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I'm planning on entering the White Wolf Novel contest and would appreciate some feedback on the "pitch" for part one. Right now I just have the idea roughed out, but I'm not sure I like the way it comes across (but it's hard to outline the plot and main character in 250 words ).
I'm not looking so much for a full crit of the document, more for general impressions. Familliarity with White Wolf's Vampire: the Masquerade or the Requiem RPGs would be helpful.
250 words, Vampire/Horror
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Ophelia has always been a royal consort and as a Ventrue of the covenant Invictus, this has suited her well. Living in Vancouver, Ophelia and Hamlet move among social elite of Hollywood North with ease. But after more than 600 years with Hamlet, Ophelia wants to command a city. Rumors are circulating among the upper echelons of Kindred society about a vacuum of power in Chicago. After a final blowout with Hamlet, Ophelia contacts one of her progeny and heads for Chicago.
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Mike, I added that sentence after the fact because I thought I needed to boost the info on my character. I guess you can tell it doesn't really fit; I might have to find a different way of adding it. Thanks.
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I have a couple of questions mainly because I have been out of the Vampire game scene for a while. In a nutshell: Ophelia has been with Hamlet for 600 years; is this the REAL Hamlet and Ophelia? If so, when did their relationship go to the dogs? Was the diablorising of Ophelias childe an accident or some act of hatred against Ophelia?
The diablorising of other Vampires figures strongly in many game sessions and looms large in the minds of many players, I wonder if using it as a plot device may be a bit predictable.
From this piece it seems the plot is pretty linear and IMHO Maxwell should not be deposed, implying rewrites to the Vampire Requiem game material. This may sound dodgy but probably safer. It may be better to have an unresolved and simmering enmity occur. After all Maxwell IS an established prince with a princely history and Ophelia has to earn her spot against such an enemy. It doesn’t feel like she earns it, at least not in this summary.
If it IS the real Hamlet and Ophelia then that is cool, didn't Hamlet say something about drinking blood? I like it a lot, are they still haunted by ghosts? Is there still madness, poisons and bizarre minstrels? It sound like a really good idea but maybe Hamlet should figure again somehow in the ending, making it a feel complete.
For instance maybe a replay of the kings murder in Hamlet, like the minstrel scene with the poison in the ear, some sort of disturbing echo, tap into the richness of the subject matter.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited February 23, 2005).]
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That's an interesting idea, but remember that if they've been together for 600 years that still only makes their relationship contemporaneous with Shakespeare rather than the supposed events of Hamlet. So while they might have been the inspiration for the characters in the play, it would be really awkward to make them historical figures on which the play was based.
The point about Maxwell not having been deposed may or may not be a concern, I suppose the real problem is that in juxtaposition with her former station she might come off as a bit pathetic, and not in a good way. You know, like an executive assistant to a high-powered boss who decides to explore new openings at another major company and ends up flipping burgers.
On another note (which may or may not be related), this summary makes the narrative transition from Hollywood to Chicago sound really weak. Anyway, I'd be willing to give you feedback on the whole summary.
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This is supposed to be the original Hamlet and Ophelia, but I didn't really research it properly, so I missed the fact that the Danish prince on which the play is based lived before 1100 AD. This complicates things because I don't really want my characters to nearly 1000 years old. I figured if they were around two or three hundred years before Shakespeare, that would be sufficient. I think I can probably make it work, especially since, well, this is my story! (Ain't it great to be a writer?)
I think I figured how I can do this. In the sources I found on-line, the lady in Amleth's life was unnamed. Therefore Hamlet could be much older and he embraced Ophelia to be his lady of the night, when he was about 300 years old. When they meet Shakespeare, he inserts Ophelia's name as Hamlets consort.
quote:The diablorising of other Vampires figures strongly in many game sessions and looms large in the minds of many players, I wonder if using it as a plot device may be a bit predictable.
From what I'm reading in the first novel, diablery is a serious issue in Kindred Society. It isn't talked about too much but it does feature prominently in one scene. It feels like it might be something worth building towards. Just because something is expected, doesn't mean has to be predictable. I think I can do it in such a way that readers will (hopefully) react with disbelief and shock. The key function of the diablery in the story is to trigger a blood-hunt that will result in the death of Persephone (Prince Maxwell's childe), and the opening of blatant hostillities between Ophelia and the Prince.
quote:After all Maxwell IS an established prince with a princely history and Ophelia has to earn her spot against such an enemy. It doesn’t feel like she earns it, at least not in this summary.
I agree. When I first started outlining the story, it seemed like the whole thing was resolved in less than two weeks. Even though I don't particularly like the first Requiem novel, I'm learning a bit about how the Kindred culture acts in Chicago. As a result of what I've learned, I think I could find ways to stretch the story out over several months, perhaps even a year. This would allow for a bit more exposition and an opportunity to delve a little deeper in the inner workings of the society.
I hadn't thought so much about introducing elements from Hamlet, but now that you mention it, I can think of several ways to encorporate it. I don't want it to be so overt it becomes a running gag, but there are some definite possibilities.
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I have already come up with a lot, including chapter/scene synopsis, character sketch and history for Ophelia, and some random ideas that may or may not figure into the overall story. My problem is, I only have 250 words to sell my idea. I don't want it come off sounding bland (which I think it might as is), but how do I build the intrigue and still get the key plot points across?
(where's the emitocon for pulling your hair out? )
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I thought of an alternative to Ophelia being a fairly pathetic "also-ran" facing a favored foe. You could have her take the long term road, placing herself behind the scenes at the head of a group planning to outlast Maxwell in the end. It's a one way mirror story, then. She knows about him, but he doesn't know about her. It would be a good way to position your novel and characters so that they could be adopted for a wholesale change in the entire milieu, but they don't get written out of existence unless someone decides to do that specifically.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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I'm not sure if the "one-way mirror" concept will work. Partly becaue I don't know if I, personally, could pull it off.
My first idea was to end the story with Ophelia meeting her final death and Maxwell retaining his position. Then I had the idea of turing this into a multi-volume saga.
The story concept spreads over 2 or 3 books. The first, of course, is "Power-hungry Ophelia comes to Chicago, puts the Prince in Torpor and takes over." The second, "Certain powers, that used Maxwell as a puppet leader, revive the former Prince from Torpor and destroy Ophelia." The third, "Hamlet hears of Ophelia's final death and comes to Chicago to exact his revenge on her destroyers."
I was reading through White Wolf's submission guidelines and they said something about liking trilogies. Then I read somewhere else that they may want to get away from that with the Requiem books.
I don't know if I should push the envelope and put Maxwell into torpor and Ophelia on the throne, or if I should essentially support the status quo and protect my character by killing her off so no one else can use her.
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May I post one warning? Writing for White Wolf can be fun. But be prepared for some vicious reader feedback. It is like writing for Star Trek they will tear the book to shreds and become personally offended at every little "liberty" you take from the standard formulae. The readers not the publishers. I saw a guy rip a vampire book in half at a bookstore one time because the author misrepresented this guy's favorite clan.
I think your idea is good though I would steer away from final death for a character. Have the appearence of a final death. Think of soap operas (which is what the Masquerade really is just with monsters) you always need a surprise "Blast for the past."
I read the entire series and enjoyed more than others, but the last novel of the Dark Ages series I couldn't finish because it just became to flat and unoriginal.
I've gotten some other feed-back on the final death thing, and think I might have a way of avoiding it. I'm actually surprised that Persephone has survived as long as she has. If I didn't know better, I would swear that she would be killed off by the end of the first novel. I don't really like Persephone, and while I'd love to see her go out in blazing ball of flame, I could probably find a deep, dark hole to throw her down for a while.
I also think I will go back to my original concept of killing Ophelia or putting her in torpor instead of Maxwell.
I just hope this won't be too cliché. The insecurity of Maxwell as prince of Chicago is a major theme in the first book. I'm only halfway through, but there are already signs that some of the Primogen are positioning themselves for a possible take-over. If there is a degree of war in this novel and Maxwell manages to stay in power, and then if the same sort of thing happens in the next novel, by the time the contest's novel is released (likely to be the third or fourth in the Requiem line), people could be saying, "Enough already. If he's such a weak leader, why does he continue to beat back his competition? Get rid of him or something."
This is all very good feedback and it is giving me alot to think about. Thanks all.
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