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Hi folks. I'm working to meet the Rewrite Challenge deadline and could stand 3 or 4 people to give a pretty broad critique of this first draft. It's historical fiction, backdrop Custer's march to the Battle of the Little Bighorn, a bit under 4000 words.
First 13 lines as follows:
It can never be said of Reverend Asael Quincy Clayton that he was a perfect man.
He had a thirst for strong drink and a penchant for cursing--but only in the privacy of his own lodging. He had, however, slipped on one too many occasions in the presence of one too many influential parishioners. Which is how he found himself at Fort Abraham Lincoln, trying to attract a new congregation by selling Bibles to soldiers more interested in spending their money on liquor and whores, and to newly Christianized Indians who couldn't read.
At the fort cursing flowed as freely as the whiskey, and Reverend Clayton soon succumbed again to both.
posted
I can read. (although I am not really a historical person - I am probably not your target audience for this piece.)
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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1) I think it should read: "It COULD never be said of Rev . . ."
2)Perhaps a stronger way of putting the last sentence would be "At the fort CURSES flowed as freely . . ."
I know you are more interested in broad critique than nitty gritty at this point, but since it was only two words I thought I'd mention it anyway.
The rest reads pretty smoothly and is done well. The voice is a little too distant for me to feel very connected with the character, you are doing more telling than showing IMO. If the rest zooms in a bit it is probably fine.
The subject matter does not grab me personally but I'm sure there are a lot of people who would be interested and I wouldn't be grabbed by anyone on this topic, so please don't take that as a criticism. It has nothing to do with the actual quality of your work, which is good.
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I agree with autumnmuse's suggested changes. Also, that last line in the second paragraph stuck out. It seems the "and to newly Christianized Indians who couldn't read" is kinda stuck on the end. I would like to see the "Christianized Indians" get their own sentence.
I have read quite a bit historical fiction lately. I would be happy to look at this. You can send it to fsilv01s@uis.edu and put Hatrack in the topic.
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Sounds like you've got more than enough readers already. I do read a little historical fiction, and I wouldn't mind giving it a quick once over if you still need more readers.
Posts: 491 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I like historical fiction but agree with autumnmuse's concerns about the POV voice, unless this is going to introduce a defined (rather than implied) narrator character pretty soon.
I don't think that I can help with critting the whole thing in a timely fashion just now, even though I found the concept fairly interesting.
Your pov is perfectly fine. I have no problem with it. It is clear and consistent, it is simply not the almighty third person limited or even the tolerated first person that are the only kinds of pov we seem to accept around here.
In fact, this is a very well done voice, although I'm not sure what to call it. It's the sort of old-fashioned storyteller's voice that belongs in a tale like this. It's not quite omniscient because we never depart from the reverend, but it's not the reverend's limited perspective, either. It's more like the storyteller simply chooses to follow only Clayton but he has a unique and fun voice of his own.
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When I read the whole thing, the voice reminded me of Mark Twain--an invested narrator, but not deep penetration POV. Since it's historical fiction, I thought it set the tone nicely.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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Christine may be right. The only real reason I would require a defined narrator is because the first sentance is in present tense. Change "can" to "could" and you eliminate my need to see a narrator character.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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My husband is an expert on just about every military battle fought. I know he would be a great sounding board for your piece. Send it our way please! Posts: 142 | Registered: Jan 2005
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Dakota - congratulations. You're my very first critique on this board. I have been extremely reticent to critique others' work as I do not feel I am good enough to tell others how to write.
But, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your beginning. It looks like you have plenty of volunteers for the full read but if you need another...I'm willing.
I really liked the picture you painted of your character. I felt like I had an image of him right away even without a full-blown description and I really like that. You made him interesting to me immediately.
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