posted
Here's 13 or so lines from a full story that I'll be sending out within the next couple weeks. I'm currently doing a final edit, and if anyone finds the first 13 especially promising, I'd appreciate a couple reviews (the full work is a still-too-wordy 8,000 words). __________________
Was it a dark and stormy night? Was the rain really falling in savage sheets, and the wind really howling hauntingly between the city’s somber, skyscraping tombs? Was this his apartment? His city? His world?
Who the hell knew any more, Harlin groggily asked himself. Who the hell cared? But of course, it had to be his world, he concluded, as his clearing mind registered the floor covered in crumpled trash and the furniture caked in thick layers of dust. No purchased world would ever look so shabby.
Reaching trembling arms out to the framework of the apparatus, and stretching reed-thin legs down toward the floor, Harlin disengaged the waist clamps that suspended him. Though it was only a few inches between feet and soiled carpeting, the sickly looking man’s legs still buckled beneath the unaccustomed weight of his torso. Only his tight grip on the machine’s tarnished aluminum frame kept him from collapsing entirely.
posted
I would start with paragraph 3 and weave the backstory in as you go. I would also ditch the play on "it was a dark and stormy night". It distracted me and it would keep most editors from reading further, I believe.
I'll trade you a critique for a critique if you'd like. You have mine already.
The series of questions at the start was a bit of a put off. But I stuck with it to see where you were going.
Then I was introduced to the character. The first thing the character thinks, after introducing himself is "Who cares?" Immediately I thought, well, if he does not care, why should I?
One consistency thing: Does aluminum tarnish? All I've ever seen it do is get a kind of white haze, if not polished.
I agree with mike. Try starting with the third paragraph. It does a great job of getting me to ask engaging questions about the story. Questions like: Huh, what's wrong with this guy? Why does he need a machine to carry him? Is he sick? Why is he getting out of his chair? All those questions start to get me into the story.
posted
It seems like with the series of questions the main character thinks to himself at the start, what you are trying to convey is his disorientation as to whether he is still in this device (which I'm guessing has some kind of "purchased world" virtual reality) The questioning doesn't really work for me, and I wonder if there's any other way to convey this confusion and/or disorientation, if that's what you're going for.
Posts: 21 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
Damn, and I really liked the beginning ... oh well, that's what critiques are for. I will take all these comments into consideration as I do the final edit, and thanks for the replies. (NewsBys, that was a nice catch on the 'tarnished aluminum' -- it never even occurred to me).
Mike and D_Allen, I appreciate your time, and the full version is on its way to you both.
posted
It's an okay beginning, but there are bits that don't really work. And in an overall sense, it is true that I didn't feel really interested in reading a lot more.
There are two problems. One is that you have a bit of uneven POV penetration and the character doesn't seem very sympathetic. The other problem is that so far this looks like another "perils of addiction to Virtual Reality" story without much to set it apart. I don't know that you want to address the latter right away. It will tend to take care of itsel if you can make the POV character more intersting as the sort of person we'd like to get to know better. Right now pretty much everything about this person tends to repel us and make us leery of reading more about him and his life.
posted
Man, I'd just like you to start out with a unique and gripping description of said dark, stormy night that would set the mood and THEN flow into a mental realm of confusion, anger and despair from there. Tell us about the water driping down the windowpane or gushing out of storm gutters...whatever...but bring us there! That said, I only like dark beginnings if I know they're going to lead me somewhere. I have to know from the start the character is worth caring about and worth saving. Otherwise, I think, oh great. Another character I'm supposed to feel sorry for, but I don't. He has to have something to make me want to like him eventually...even just a biting sense of humor. Something.
posted
Collectively, I definitely think you've nailed the flaws in this beginning (many of these flaws, I now see, also carry throughout the entire story). My protagonist isn't especially likable, and that's going to be a big drawback of ever getting this published.
Based on this new perspective, I'm going to lay out a brief plot summary. Looking at the story through fresh eyes, I see that there's more editing here than I originally planned, and I'd especially appreciate comments on whether the story itself warrants all the extra work. If this is just a rehash of a theme that's already been done to death, I'm inclined to set it aside and work on polishing some of my other, more unique projects. (My writer's group has set of deadline of 2 weeks to get at least some material out into circulation).
Harlin is a sinner. Harlin uses his purchased virtual realities to act out upon his own dark impulses. Unknownst to him, he has been identified and targeted, though. A salesman comes to Harlin's door, offering him a 'free' upgrade of his V.R. gear, and though he has doubts, he accepts. Obviously, this is a bad choice, and he quickly finds himself in a 'virtual hell'. A (poorly-defined) antagonist/religious zealot slowly reveals to Harlin that the realm was set up to punish the sinners of the countless virtual worlds, for the broader society has long since allowed itself to slide into decadence. Harlin faces a choice about his own future, and finds some small measure of redemption. Throw in some muddled religious symbolism, and spatter with a generally dark and gloomy tone, and you have my little tale.
Looking at this post, I think I just answered me own question....
posted
I'm not sure what answer you just gave yourself, but if you do another version, maybe start with the sentence "Harlin was a sinner." That sure caught my attention just now.
posted
It is possible to create and sell "unlikeable" lead characters, the Thomas Covenant series being one of the best examples.
I did like your imagery in the third paragraph. I had a clear enough picture of those legs to curl my lip in revulsion.
I was also thrown off by the "dark and stormy night" reference, as others have mentioned. Unfortunately for whoever the original writer of that line is, the first thing I think of now when I read it, is Snoopy. So I was thinking funny and then thrown off a bit when I reached the next paragraph.
posted
Give Harlin a sense of guilt. He'll need it to be redeemable and it clearly sets him up for redemption. Make him intelligent but somewhat lost, too.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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