I realize this is my first post, and that I am a bit of a newbie to these forums, as well as understanding some of your reluctances to respond to such queries, but I assure you I intend to frequent the boards and won't just vanish like some do. Any help at all would be most appreciated.

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Always standing. He had been standing for so long that he’d forgotten what it was like to sit.

Since the War of Legends and the subsequent Cleansing, no one even knew who he was anymore. No one knew he and his companions were even anything more than a trio of freaks suitable only for a circus. He chuckled-a sound the resonated through the circular chamber and down the mirror-paneled Reflection Hall.

War of Legends, indeed,he thought. By his figuring, something legendary would at least be talked about by someone. The so-called War of Legends had become compounding hyperboles told by drunkards thinking they’d made the thing up or mindless musings of clergymen trying to explain away the past. The War, such a crucial and dangerous time in the history of the world, and everyone had forgotten about it. Worse, the gods had let them.

He didn’t like the prospect of being a legend. Nor did he care for the current state of the Jail. It was in disrepair despite the fact that he and the others did all they could to keep the thing in order. Yet how could they receive help if no one knew the Jail even existed?

He reached out with a grey-gloved hand to grip the shimmering crystal podium in front of him on the dais. Applying the most minor of pressures as he’d done countless times before, he spun the dais around to face the wall behind him. It was convex, a vaulting structure composed of grey stone infused with the strongest steel mined from Grigorach by the First Dwarves. He stared now at the eight tiles, four lined above the other four, that were the only elements of color upon the wall’s bleak surface. A yellow sun, a red hand, a white eye, and a green rose all above a blue ocean, orange fire, purple clouds, and a brown tree. The symbols made him tired, as they always did, even though, in theory, he shouldn’t ever be tired. He decided--and not for the first time--that when all this was over he’d leave and go to Theory; everything seemed to work there.
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Thanks in advance.

EDIT: My apologies for the html tags. I assumed they would work, but I can't seem to figure out how to alternately manage it...

EDIT: Nevermind...I seem to have figured it out.

[This message has been edited by Pontifax (edited March 05, 2005).]

It looks like you've got interesting things going on here. You're developing a character that I could get interested in, and it definitely left me wanting to know more about his situation. But, I think you've got too much going on here to really sweep me in.

First, put this in a doc in 12pt. font and peel off your first thirteen lines. That's really what you want to work with on this board. Then, pare it down to say what you really need to communicate. It's a tough thing to do, especially when you've got a great character and a whopper of a story, not to mention an entire world to build, but it'll force you to focus it down so you can really impinge.

Essentially, you got this legendary war hero (is there a solid reason for not telling us his name here?), but nobody even knows he's this living legend. He's performing some unknown function at this jail (and we don't yet know who the inmates are), and nobody even knows the jail is there. He's isolated, jaded, and he longs for a simpler existence (at least, that's what I assumed you meant when you noted that he wanted to go to Theory, where everything worked--which was a little confusing, but I assumed you meant he wanted to withdraw into study) when his duty at the jail is complete.

That's a lot to try and fit in there, especially if it's going to take a while to resolve all these unknowns for the reader, and if you add in lots of physical details to establish the setting it gets positively dense.

The opening sentences are interesting in themselves and kind of eye-catching, but unless you explain the not-sitting thing pretty quickly in the first chapter, you might be better off starting with the next line.

Anyway, that's my first take on it. As always, it's just opinion, take it for whatever it's worth.

It seems clear that you are trying to convey great frustration, fatigue, boredom and I think that addressing its basic cause as soon as possible is more important than expanding background detail.

My personal style would dictate picking a single thing, perhaps one of the above two, perhaps his endless bitter fatigue from all the standing or his concern over the state of the jail or anger at the gods who made the people forget and expand it until it becomes a story thread as soon as possible. I'd take the external circumstance and have it reflected in the character I was trying to build.

But that is just what I would do.

BTW, I think the easiest way to get 13 lines is to count 130 to 150 words.

He found it by accident.

At first, the storybook island of Ulaneda had all the makings of a quaint, secluded paradise--a self-sufficient kingdom rife with bustling cities, dapper nobles, and a goodly king. The young priest Byron found himself mesmerized by this place that had been long forgotten by man and god alike.

But when a vicious crime lands one of his newfound companions in prison, secrets emerge, loyalties wane, and the mystery of Ulaneda begins to unravel before his eyes. As tragedy strikes again and again, Byron quickly finds himself no longer on an island paradise, but in a nightmarish realm of treachery and betrayal, caught in a web of intrigue between men of power far greater than his own, many of whom desperately want him dead.

In his frantic quest to stay alive, he comes to realize that maybe it wasn’t an accident of fate that brought him and his companions to this island—that something brought them here to serve as players in an epic performance whose conclusion may mean the end of all mankind.

But stopping it may mean something worse.

Anyhoo, everyone else seems to have addressed my questions already, and it's generally well-written to start with. However, considering your last post, I have a serious one of my own--if Ghal is only in three other chapters, why make him the character in the first chapter?

I'm not a stickler for following rules of composition, because I believe that if you do understand the rules inside and out it won't hurt to break one for effect every now and then. In this case, though, I think there's good reason to want to start with either A) your main character or B) someone who interacts with your main character ASAP, because your main character is (by definition!) the person your readers spend the most time with. The sooner they get to know him or her (in this case, a him, from your blurb), the better.

If Ghal has no relation to the main character as such, you're better off moving this chapter to a different part of the book and writing a new first scene or moving the first scene with Byron (who I'm assuming is the protagonist) up front.

Edit: I reread your post and saw that you think you need this prologue to set the reader up.

No, you don't.

If Byron's first scene is written so you can't understand it without the prologue, rewrite it so you can. It's rather easy--all you have to do is make him as confused as the reader would be. The info in the prologue can either be sprinkled in the story, or presented as a separate scene later on (with a little retooling, I think this is good enough to still stand alone as a separate scene).

I hate to be the mean old grump, and I feel bad about insisting on it, but a lot of readers will either skip prologues anyway, or not pick up a book that doesn't get its story started right away. It's not necessarily fair to the writer. It's just what happens. If you move your protag up front you don't give them a reason to put your book down.

Maybe TPTB could reset the parameters so that for the first hundred posts we can be identified as new members so as to not confuse people?

Pontifax, I have studied both and believe I like the scenreo this opener shows better than that of the second one. I believe this gives the deepest background for the story. I like contemplative personality based openers better than action based ones, but that might just be my age. A younger person would probably like the second one better.

After reading your description of the story itself and some of the other posts, I have some qualms about starting with Ghal as the first character we meet. As a reader, I am like a baby bird who latches onto the first person I see. Especially if it is a dark, enigmatic character such as Ghal. I was very intrigued by him and when I read that he has only three scenes in the whole book, I was disappointed.

Let your character—his reflections and actions—take center stage. “Always standing”, “He didn’t like the prospect of being a legend”, “when all this was over he’d leave”—these details involve the reader and move the story along. Pace your exposition, especially all the Important Labels. It’s too much to swallow. Hook the reader with the character and his musings, maybe focus on just one element of the world you are creating – the Jail, for example. The third paragraph (about the Jail) nicely merges the character and exposition about your world.