posted
Interesting title, no? Or maybe it's not, but that's not the point right now, is it? Anyway, here for the first time on hatrack.com is the first lines of my story. It's a horror/fantasy set in a world that I created. I don't start out with a main character per se, but there's a reason for that. I keep messing with this stupid thing, trying to make the beginnig intriguing enough. I'm almost afraid to post it because I don't think it's quite good enough, I dunno. But that's why we post stuff here, right? To get help on it. So without further ado, here's the first few lines of my story (which is right now approximately 5100 words long).
The moon was shining brightly when the small, white lamb wandered away from its mother. It walked out into the field alone and wandered some distance until it came to the edge of a darkling forest. A chill wind rustled the leaves of the trees and bushes nearby. The lamb swiveled its ears forward.
It sensed something there in the bushes, something filled with malice. A wolf?
The wind came again and ran its phantom fingers along the lamb’s back. Frightened, it turned and started to run back across the field, trying to escape the ghostly touch of the night breeze.
Out of the bushes, there appeared a shadowy form. It growled low and bared its red-yellow fangs, following the fleeing creature with golden eyes. Then it gave chase.
At hearing the sound of its footsteps following, the lamb tried to run faster, but the strange creature was too swift. It leapt upon the poor little sheep before it could get a few yards away and brought it to the ground. It cried in terror, but there was no one to hear it but the pitiless moon.
-- Okay, so that's one more than thirteen, but whatever. So...yeah... Originally, I had started out this story with the main characters, but I didn't feel like it was good enough of a hook, so I started it instead with this. I forgot to mention before that I want to enter this into the Writers of the Future contest, so any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by Shendülféa (edited March 05, 2005).]
posted
Yes, it's a great title, I think. That's mainly why I clicked on the thread. I like the first few lines, except that I would like to know about the general shape and size of the creature that comes from the woods. So that I can better picture it in my imagination.
If you are looking for readers for the whole thing, I'd like to read it.
posted
HUZZAH! You actually posted it! Ten points just for that!
Now: coming from the knowledge I have, that the story is about what/who this mysterious beast is, I have only one suggestion. Make the creature more mysterious. Make it less like a wolf. Make it more bizarre. I really want to be tearing my hair out trying to figure out what this crazy thing is. I don't want to have a flippin clue what in the world this monster is.
And when you go into your characters, make sure that the reader knows immediately that they have some kind of interest in the creature, and they want to find out what it is. You might have done that, I don't know; if you did, excellent.
Other than that, I really like this intro. Much better than the sleepy town approach you were going to use before. So far, this is splendid!
Send it my way (if you can wait a week or two, depending on the length of the story), although keep in mind that I do more SF than fantasy. If you think I could help you out, that is.
posted
Thanks, guys. I'll send you the story in a bit. I've got a couple of inconsistencies and the like to fix first, but I probably won't get to that until tomorrow sometime in the afternoon. But I'll send it to you, trust me.
And Jeraliey, it's about 5100 words long (I said that at the top). It might get longer, though, depending on whether or not I decide to add this one other scene in there.
Yay! I have 60 points now, Jaina! If I get a thousand, can I trade them for something?
[This message has been edited by Shendülféa (edited March 06, 2005).]
posted
Oh, no! You posted 14 lines! The equator has shifted! Kreplach is selling for $1,000 an ounce!
Just teasing I don't think anyone minds.
This is a nice first scene. Stuff is happening, a monster is introduced, you have a setup. Therefore, my comments are mostly limited to technical/grammar-type stuff.
Let's see... if the lamb is wandering away from its mother, you might be able to lose the word "small," since (in context) it seemed like an extra, and a bit unnecessary. That's more of a stylistic preference, though, so you can safely ignore it.
Like Jaina, I'd like to see a bit more description on the lamb-eating (presumably eating) monster. You also have a bit of a grammar goof:
quote:It growled low and bared its red-yellow fangs, following the fleeing creature with golden eyes.
Technically, that means that the lamb (the fleeing creature) has the golden eyes, not the monster pursuing it. But that's easy to fix--just move the detail about eyes into the first part, with the fangs.
I'm assuming you're using 3rd omniscient for POV in this scene, so this
quote:It sensed something there in the bushes, something filled with malice. A wolf?
is a little out of place. You've slipped just for a moment into 3rd person limited, the sheep's POV. You might want to recast that line from outside the sheep's POV. I used to do that in first drafts (still do from time to time), so it's something I tend to notice quickly.
One other thing--I do feel sorry for the lamb, since I've never personally wanted to be eaten by a monster in the middle of nowhere, either. I can relate. But the word "poor" might again be a redundant piece of description, just because of the situation. And while some would argue that the "lamb/sheep" variation is necessary to keep your prose all spicy-hot, in this case I'd argue that reusing lamb instead of that use of sheep is more accurate (and makes readers feel bad enough that you wouldn't need the "poor" part). Sheep are adult sheep, lambs are baby sheep. That, again, is a stylistic quirk of mine, so feel free to ignore it.
Otherwise, I think you're good to go. Like I said, I like the fact that you've started with an action scene and with your monster, and the title is good--I like the sound of it (it sounds vaguely Welsh). So you're on your way. *thumbs up*
posted
Well, thanks for pointing all that stuff out for me, especially the bit about changing the POV.
And the title, it's just something I made up. Welsh might be an influence, though, I dunno. I read Beowulf a couple of times and I have the Seamus Haney translation that has the Old English on the left pages. That might have influenced it perhaps. I also listen to Irish music with Gaelic (sp?) in it. That also might have influenced it. I just thought it sounded cool. *shrugs*
posted
Actually, I like the title. It does sound good.
On an only vaguely related note, if you're curious, Lloyd Alexander's Pyrdain books are loosely inspired by the Mabinogion, which amounts to the Welsh national myths (similar to the Irish stories about Finn MacCool--I'm sure I'm misspelling that). I read those books constantly as a kid and still enjoy them, so that's probably why I immediately thought, "Ah, that sounds Welsh."
posted
I'm going to have to read some of those sometimes, providing of course I can find the time. But yeah, I'll be sure to look for them.
Posts: 202 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Just my tuppeneth worth. Sorry if my comments aren't justified. It's just my point of view.
First up, I dont really like the idea of the PoV being focused on the lamb at the beginning. This might not have been intended, but I almost feel like the story is going to be about the lamb rather than a horrid monster.
Also, someone else already said this, but I spotted it too, so it must be worth repeating. The description small, white lamb doesn't work too well. Most lambs I know are small and white. Maybe you should change this to 'few days old lamb', 'newly walking lamb' or somesuch phrase.
And...another confusing sentence was about the winds fingers stroking the lamb. At first, I thought that the monster had already arrived and was stroking the back of the lamb. I can be a bit silly sometimes though.
A suggestion I have, but might not fit into the rest of the story would be to start with PoV being from the monsters perspective.
Sort of like....
It could smell the fresh blood being pumped around the helpless creatures body. Meat was on its mind. It was hungry. It bowed down low to avoid a branch hanging from an overhead tree. The little creature bravely wandered from the safety of its mother. Stumbling on new legs.
etc...etc.
However, my example isn't very good either, because anymore and you start to get confused between who 'it' is. The lamb (helpless creature) or the monster.
posted
wbriggs: I don't know if I can agree with you on the title being not a good choice. I've seen many stories with titles that say absolutely nothing about what the story is going to be about (aside from perhaps that it's about the title character). For example: Beowulf, Starman, Firebird, Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Gilgamesh, Threshold etc. While these titles may make mention of who the main character is, they say nothing about the story in general. Threshold could mean any number of things. And unless you've heard of it before, Gilgamesh could mean absolutely nothing.
IMO, a good title doesn't have to be something that says something about the story. Mine actually does, however, but it's not until a bit later in the story until you find out what it means. "Shethdyn" could be the name of one of the main characters or of the monster for all anyone knows. Just like Gilgamesh or Beowulf, it probably means nothing until you've read the story (or unless you've heard of it before). That's just my opinion, though. *shrugs*
posted
You can trade points for... I dunno, would a hug suffice? I'll have to think about that. I've never had anybody try to redeem them before. (Thank goodness: once I gave my friend ten billion points. Who knows what that would be worth?)
As for the title: I would be intrigued by "Shethdyn" just because it's a word I've never heard before, and I'd want to know what it was talking about. But different people like different things. To each his own, right?
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I don't think anyone minds.
