Steve gave the floor a last scrubbing and tossed the rag into the garbage bag next to the door. He stood with aching knees and stepped to the sink. The water was bloody cold but he kept rubbing until his hands were wiped clean, and then let the water drain the pink muck out of the sink bowl. He leaned over the faucet and took deep breaths to keep from throwing up. Steve was very careful not to look at the shower as he breathed. He had to get out of the room. Grabbing the garbage bag, he hurried outside.

It was a warm enough that the humid air clung to the sweat that already soaked him. He walked towards the dumpster and trashed the rags. He started back to the room but found he couldn't walk any farther. He'd left the door open, even though he'd been told not to do that the instant he got the job. There were only two reasons for this: keeping out thieves and flies.

[This message has been edited by Ray (edited March 21, 2005).]

1) When you say that cleaning the blood hadn't been on the itinerary, I get the impression that it has gotten onto the itinerary, and now he has had to do it more than once. I don't know if that's the impression you want, but that's what I'm getting.

2) "The door was left open, the first thing he'd been told not to do..." was a confusing sentence. I think you just worded it awkwardly. Maybe "He'd left the door open, even though he'd been told not to do that the instant he got the job" or something along those lines would flow better?

But to reemphasize what Elan said, it would be nice to know what you want from us. This is a pretty good fragment, I just want to know what to do with it!

wbriggs: I don't have the reason in the next paragraph, but I can change that really quick.

Jaina: Thanks for pointing that out. I'll change it right now.

quote:

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The water was bloody cold but he kept rubbing until his hands were wiped clean, and then let the water drain the pink muck out of the sink bowl.

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Do you want to imply the water was "bloody and cold" or "very cold"? I get the sense that it means very cold, but having mentioned cleaning the blood from the shower, maybe you need to subsitute this definition of bloody for something else.

We were told to keep the doors closed. It kept out theives, squatters, and... flies.

It's a good saying and Barker borrowed it from someone else. I don't think you intentially copied him, but I might change the phrasing so that it doesn't sound so much alike his.