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This is an extremely short flash, all of 70 words long. Mike Munsil called this flash horror. Mostly my title sucks, and I'd like some help brainstorming it, but since the story is so short I can't post it here. Here's the first line of it. If you're willing to read the rest and offer suggestions let me know.
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Anna told me about a time when she was taking a bath and a tapeworm poked its head out of her.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 12, 2005).]
posted
I admit. I'm intrigued. Send it on; I'll review when I get off work tonight. (I have a friend who has a fascination with tapeworms. This would be right up her alley.)
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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Oh, by the way, I don't believe that tapeworms do this sort of thing. The head is the attachment point, if a tapeworm were to stick out its head, it would have no means of avoiding being completely...er, ejected.
By my retreat into semi-clinical detachment, you can probably guess that I'm not about to read the rest of this story. :shudders:
posted
I chose "It Lived" precisely for that classic B-movie horror feel... "It's Alive!" or "They lived!"... you know, like that three decade era that produced a great many horror films. But it was also part of the text in Mary's story that grabbed me most.
posted
I'm with CrazyDel on this. I like the title My friend Anna. It sounds so warm and fuzzy and then you read the first line and your jaw drops in horror! I love it!
I think the contrast adds to the creepy sensation as you read the story. The tone of the story is so very matter-of-fact and that, together with the title, just builds that dark element.
All that said, the B-movie throw back that HSO suggested plays to the humour in the piece.
posted
I stumbled on that a little, too. but I like "damply" more than "moisture" and I think I'm stumbling on the "hung down." perhaps "when she stood, it stuck damply to her leg."
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I don't think the word "damply" is the trouble... not in my opinion. I think picking a stronger word in place of "stuck" would be a better choice. "Stuck" is too vague. Tell us how it sticks... that's my point!
Posts: 1520 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I had trouble with that phrase and I think it was because "damply" seems to be refering back to the word "stuck". So how does something stick damply?
Is it sticking and damp? Is it sticking because it's damp?
I think the phrase begs a different question than it answers:
How did it stick? It stuck loosely. It stuck closely.
Why did it stick? It stuck because it was damp.
Damp is refering to a "Why" question but the phrase structure is refering to a "How" question.
I don't know as that makes any amount of sense what-so-ever. I think it could work fine if left as it is, but in the same token, it was almost like a hiccop as I was reading.
Feel free to ignore my rambling.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited April 13, 2005).]
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stuck damply means to me that it was moistly clinging there, sort of half hanging on by will and half hanging on because of the moisture. Sort of like slinging a piece of spaghetti onto a wall -- it sticks damply when it's done.
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I shouldn't tease you about this, since it's a classic case of living in a glass house. Tapeworms are one of the few things that I'm severely squeemish about. When you pointed out the issue with the head poking out, my heart sank because I realized I would have to research it, but really, really didn't want to. I typed the word "tapeworm" into a search engine and stared at all the entries that popped up. Then I turned the computer off, without clicking on any of them, compelled by a sudden need to wash dishes.
Posts: 2022 | Registered: Jul 2003
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