I'm trying to come up with a more archaic way of saying the following:
quote: The words carried on the breeze like a pollution.
Without using pollution. What would fit with a character living in 5th century Ireland? I don't want to use smoke unless it can be made clear that it is an unclean kind of smoke, rather than a fire. Pollution and contamination are the best words I can come up with, but I'd like something that better fits the period.
posted
In 5th century Irland, they'd still be speaking in Celtic, so if your bringing it into English, it would technically not really matter how it comes out... but yea... I know what you mean, you want something to be more of the steoro-typical "old-century deepness"... something a bit more poetic sounding.
I haven't had any coffie today, so my best is still sleeping, but I can give it a wack:
for the use of "smoke" The words carried on the breeze like the thick smoke of burning {anything that burns with thick smoke... i drew a blank there}
posted
This is just so brilliant I wanted to capture it again:
In 5th century Irland, they'd still be speaking in Celtic, so if your bringing it into English, it would technically not really matter how it comes out.
It's such an eloquent portrayal of your perspective on writing. I appreciate it a lot.
-"The words carried on the breeze like burning pitch (or tar)." I don't know if they would have had that in 5th century Ireland, you would need to research. Also, the simile would work best if your viewpoint character was at least a little familiar with shipbuilding. On a related note, burning coal (if they had it) produces a nasty black smoke.
-"The words carried on the breeze like the smoke from a funeral pyre." Did the Irish do funeral pyres?
-Does it have to be smoke? Could it just be a bad smell: "The words carried on the breeze like the fumes from a week-old corpse." Or something.
I don't know if any of those work, but maybe one of them will spark an idea that will.
I'm really not sure, I think they might, I was thinking about that one myself, but I was, and still am, too lazy right now to try looking it up (coffee is a crutch, and I don't care)... I like the sound of burning pitch though...
[This message has been edited by RavenStarr (edited April 15, 2005).]
posted
Thing is I use an image of smoke a few lines later, so I really want to avoid it if I can.
I don't think the pre-Christian Irish used funeral pyres - its more an Anglo Saxon thing. I may be wrong here. Can anyone provide a link to prove that they did? Fire, as one of the elements, was used in celebration, particularly at at the high celebrations of Lughnasa, and Bealtine (which means beautiful fire). It would have been a positive thing.
Its good so far though. A general bad odour is a good idea, but I think it has to be something specific - something personal and repugnent to the pov character.
Hmmm... Any other ideas?
R
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited April 15, 2005).]
posted
The words hung in the air like a pall, heavy and corrupt. Or, if you need them to actually be carried somewhere: The words carried on the breeze like windswept ash, grey and insidious.
Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I thought plague was transmitted by fleas, not by air? That's a rather modern concept, anyway, and wouldn't fit with a 5th century Celt's world view.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
The words carried on the breeze like the smell of rotting vegetation. --or-- The words carried on the breeze like the stench of a bog in the height of summer.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
like the pox? like the smell of the privy? You can use polluted I think. I just looked it up in chronicals of Matthew Paris (13th century) he uses pollution as a spiritual / moral word rather than the physical idea of it we have today as well if that helps. It's 4am here, what scan I do apart from read13th century tales of everyday life?
Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
I agree w/ all the people who suggested some sort of unpleasant smell, or any unpleasant thing, like ashes. And I think this is _your_ opportunity to be creative, _and_ to express something about the character who said the words (or the source of the words, if they were from a book or something), or about your POV character's feelings about the source of the words. You've already done this by likening the words to pollution, but if you can drive this a step further by using a comparison that's precisely apropos to your story - I think that could be the difference between good writing and _really_ good writing.
"...like the stink of a drunkard's fart."
"...like the corruption of rotting meat."
"...like the stench of a week-old corpse."
"...like the odor of a dung-heap."
I'm not suggesting these particular ones; my point is that you can easily come up with dozens of these, and you are the person who is qualified to pick the one that best fits your story.
You can use a thesaurus to find other words for "stench" and maybe for "rot", "pollution", etc.
You could also mess around w/ the other part: "the words assailed me" or whatever, and then something different for your simile.
Have fun.
Gard
Sorry about all the edits.
[This message has been edited by Beauregard Doumitt (edited April 16, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Beauregard Doumitt (edited April 16, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Beauregard Doumitt (edited April 16, 2005).]
posted
'The words hung on the breeze like a miasma.'
mi·as·ma n. pl. mi·as·mas or mi·as·ma·ta (-m-t)
A noxious atmosphere or influence: “The family affection, the family expectations, seemed to permeate the atmosphere... like a coiling miasma” (Louis Auchincloss).
A poisonous atmosphere formerly thought to rise from swamps and putrid matter and cause disease.
A thick vaporous atmosphere or emanation: wreathed in a miasma of cigarette smoke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [from the Greek, pollution, stain, from miainein, to pollute.]
posted
Isn't "offal" a pretty good pre-Industrial Revolution word? I'm not sure of the exact definition, but I always imagined it would smell bad.
Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
offal: 1. Waste parts, especially of a butchered animal. 2. Refuse; rubbish.
I'll bet those smell. Probably the worst smells I've ever experienced were rotting carcasses of various critters. I'm sure you're all glad to know that. Probably a more common experience in Middle Ages than now.
posted
'taint' is a good fit, it could carry on the breeze.
As mikemunnsil said 'miasma' is also a good one, it used to mean a vapour that carries disease.
The only problem is that a 'miasma' doesn't move, it hangs around like a bad smell, a fog. A breeze would disperse it.
The critics, he says, "will sit in their large automobiles, spewing a miasma of toxic gas into the atmosphere, and they will thank you for not smoking a cigarette." --Charles E. Little, "No One Communes Anymore," New York Times, October 17, 1993
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited April 18, 2005).]
posted
Just to be argumentative, pollution is a pre-industrial word but it used to be more related to defilement than the way it's used now.
quote:Isabella:That, had he twenty heads to tender down On twenty bloody blocks, he'ld yield them up, Before his sister should her body stoop To such abhorr'd pollution. Measure for Measure by Mike Mu--I mean W. Shakespeare.
[This message has been edited by MaryRobinette (edited April 18, 2005).]
posted
The only real problem I'm finding with using "pollution" is the way the modern reader understands it.
At the moment the phrase stands as "stench of corruption", but I'm not really happy with that either.
Miasma would be great but as detailed above, the "whatever" needs to be detected across or through water. The character has merged with a body of water and it is the sound that brings him back to reality as he is attacked.
That said I may just go back to the original sentence - It has a simplicity to it that appeals.
posted
I feel an obligation to help out here, since I had originally objected to the use of the word "pollution" due to it's more modern-day interpretation.
The original quote was:
quote:The words carried on the breeze like a pollution.
How about something like this: "The breeze was polluted by the sound of words..."
mix it up a little - the term "polluted" doesn't sound quite so 21st Century as "pollution"
posted
You can always opt for the "You can't please everyone so I'm keeping this as I originally wrote it, so suck it up, readers, and get over your little snit about the word 'pollution' " line of thought...
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I was another one of the readers who commented on the use of the word pollution in RF's story. If you read the whole story when you come to the word pollution it is distracting. But the way Elan suggested reworking the sentence, so pollution was presented in a different way works for me.
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited April 20, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by Kickle (edited April 20, 2005).]
posted
Yeah, it's a shame when the writer is so danged good at crafting that feel of other-worldliness... I guess it's the price you pay when you try to plug in a word that has taken on new meanings. Darned language keeps changing. As my kids constantly remind me... the word "thong" no longer means a pair of shower slippers and they get annoyed when I use that word to refer to footwear...
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
Jereliey - don't delete it! It made me laugh - something I need on coming into the office at 8.30am after a day off!
Thanks guys for all suggestions. It certainly proved that there is more than one way to skin a cat... Hang on, am I channeling HSO?
But anyway, it was very interesting to see all the possible variations. I ended up with a sort of combination of a couple of them. I don't have it to hand, but something like
... words, harsh and gutteral. They polluted the breeze like the stench of carrion.
The story is winging its way across the Atlantic as we speak (or mouldering in a post room in Dublin's General Post Office). Many thanks for all the help.
R
[This message has been edited by RFLong (edited April 21, 2005).]