posted
Hello I've finished the story that I began writing ages ago. If anyone could volunteer a crit that would be great. Here are the first 13 lines just to scare you. thanks li P.S. I have been volunteering to read others work it's just that no one wants me ...sob
Averil wore petticoats, a wool skirt, two layers of wool jumpers, a leather jacket, a scarf, hat, and gloves. Yet the mountain cold still managed to stick its sharp little fingers into her bones till they ached. Walking to the village – bah - was always such a chore. The road down was steep, and shod with rough loose stones. Her boots never felt that they gripped properly, she regularly slid all the way down the hill.
‘If I fall over, as usual, I’ll have to handle the comments all day’, she muttered under her breath, then cringed, imagining the remarks. Oh, Averil still haven’t learnt how to walk yet? Stay off the drink, eh Averil, hehehehe. Idiots! Had she remembered to put on tidy underwear? Oh, gods imagine what they would say if she were wearing her old faithfuls. At the thought of that she felt her courage run and hide.
Averil tossed those fears aside, straightened her shoulders and tried to look as though she was striding confidently. Stomp went her left foot. ‘I am a proud forceful woman’. Stomp went her right foot, ‘I am not intimidated by anyone’. Averil’s foot slipped and she almost fell. ‘All right mountain’, she whispered, ‘you intimidate me’. Mindful of how unfriendly the mountain was towards her she started taking very small careful steps. Pride be damned. ************* made some changes
[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 22, 2005).]
On the whole, I like the first 13. Maybe cut down the litany of clothing, but I do understand why you're doing it and like the image of the cold's sharp little fingers. I'm not sure about -bah- in the middle of the sentence like that.
quote: The road down to the village was steep, and shod with rough loose stones.
I think you could just say "the road was steep" - we already know she's going to the village.
I did like the second paragraph, particularly where she imagines the jeers, but would prefer to see it broken up more. I think it would give more of an impact.
The only other thing I'd note is that you have some repetition creeping in there. Confident and village are the main offenders that jump off the page at me.
Let me know how long the piece is, what genre etc and I'll see if I can read more for you.
posted
very sorry, I'm a ditz 1733 wds Fantasy Only first chapter, I'm seeing if there's is any point continuing. But I have had it proof read twice so there should only be minor issues.
[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 22, 2005).]
posted
Bah! Where's me gun? Some people are just old before their time. Indeed as I am aging rapidly I can understand how this can happen Miss Beth. li Thanks R.F.Long really appreciate it.
[This message has been edited by limo (edited April 22, 2005).]
posted
I like the changes you've made. It makes it much easier to understand the thoughts that others were having about her. To be honest, that confused me so much before that I was afraid to volunteer to read the rest.
You might want to consider putting a paragraph break in front of "Idiots" since that switches us back to her thoughts, instead of her thoughts about others' comments.
I can take a look at the rest. I'll read it on the plane, but I probably won't be able to send a crit back until sometime next week.
posted
There are some minor syntax issues you need to fix, and some places that could be syntax problems but might mean what you say, it's hard to tell this early in the text.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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REALLY REALLY REALLY APPRECIATE ALL COMMENTS. Sorry I've been alternately painting (for exhibition) and partying (breakup recovery) so I haven't been around much. But I do thank you all for your replies.
posted
Thanks, I've sent you off a copy. I think that's about as many people as I can handle at the moment. hmmm that sounded odd but you know what I mean. Take care all arohanui li
Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2005
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