posted
Ok, I'm having some trouble. It doesn't read like I want it to yet, and I'm having some trouble pinpointing whatever's getting in the way of the story. I'm also having some trouble titling it.
So, I was wondering if a couple of people could look the whole piece over and give me some feedback, especially if they're familiar with my writing style and can tell me what I'm doing differently (wrong?). Any advice for the first 13 is welcome, too.
I don't know how to describe this except as your basic fiction, with some surrealistic elements. It's about 2900 words, and may not be well edited yet.
***
There was no silence deeper than the one that hovered thickly indoors on an overcast winter’s morning. Even before Marni opened her eyes, she knew that it had snowed again while she slept. There was a chill in the air, a smell like the one that lurked in a long-empty freezer. There was a tangibly frigid quality to the light, even behind the heavy drapes. She could hear nothing but her own hitching breaths. All other signs of life were either muffled by the snow or sucked into the clouds. It was barren outside, desolate. Her house had no one but her to fill the oppressive emptiness inside.
She rolled over on the couch, still clutching the scratchy throw pillow to her chest, and opened her eyes to the steady stare of the answering machine’s message light. She curled around the pillow, dragging the knitted blankets up with her knees and burying her face again. Her eyes felt gummy and swollen, her face cold and sticky with dried tears and snot. What had she expected? She had been lying there all night; she couldn’t have missed the call.
It hadn’t come.
***
Thanks in advance for the help!
[This message has been edited by Jeraliey (edited May 01, 2005).]
posted
Well, the thing's actually due on Tuesday, but it would be unfair of me to expect anyone to manage that on such short notice. At this point, I could probably turn it in as is. I gave it a brush-up this morning.
Right now, I'm just looking for general feedback, because even though I like this story, it's just not reading right and I'd like to find out what's wrong with it.
[There was no silence deeper than the one that hovered thickly indoors on an overcast winter’s morning.] Even before Marni opened her eyes, she knew that it had snowed again [while she slept]. There was a chill in the air, a smell like the one that lurked in a long-empty freezer. [I DON'T KNOW WHAT A LONG-EMPTY FREEZER WOULD SMELL LIKE.] There was a tangibly frigid quality to the light, even THROUGH [behind the] heavy drapes. She could hear nothing but her own hitching breaths. [All other signs of life were either muffled by the snow or sucked into the clouds. It was barren outside, desolate. Her house had no one but her to fill the oppressive emptiness inside.]
She rolled over on the couch, [still] clutching the scratchy throw pillow to her chest, and opened her eyes to the steady stare of the answering machine’s message light. [She curled around the pillow, dragging the knitted blankets up with her knees and burying her face again. Her eyes felt gummy and swollen, her face cold and sticky with dried tears and snot. What had she expected?] She had been lying there all night; she couldn’t have missed the call.
posted
I'm with wbriggs on deleting the first sentence and choosing some phrase other than "long-empty freezer." I'm more reserved about endorsing his other suggestions, but none of them are really bad ideas as far as I can tell.
I'm also curious about why you would choose the name "Mami" for your main character. Again, I can't flag it as a mistake, because I haven't read the story yet.
For now, I'll say that you have a condition "mauve" on the opening prose. I don't know whether that's part of your style or not. If you like, I can read the story and give some general feedback.
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