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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Restoration, v.2

   
Author Topic: Restoration, v.2
jeduthun
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Thanks to those of you who encouraged a rewrite of my Flash Challenge 6 entry. I was thinking of it as a throwaway story the whole time -- maybe that's my new sneaky strategy for silencing the Critic! Here's the first 13 lines of Chapter One. Let me know if you'd like to see Chapters 1 and 2, and I'll email them to you.

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Ramwa felt the men coming up behind her before she could see them. She remained sitting, absolutely still, in the tall grass. The yala petals were dissolving in her mouth, and the yala power filled her mind with color: all the flowers in the meadow seemed to glow with the vibration of life. They practically sang to her, in vivid oranges and yellows. The yala told her there was a wild rabbit hidden in the tall grass nearby, his delicate nose twitching with fear, waiting for the men to pass. Everything was alive with color, but the men were blank, empty spaces where there should be life.
They crept slowly toward her. The Yala petals had completely dissolved, and now Ramwa began to hum, quietly, a simple melody, calling to the grasses of the meadow, and

---

Thanks!


Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
cklabyrinth
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I'm hooked, more or less. Seeing as this isn't likely to be flash anymore, I think you'll have more time to finish hooking me. I am really interested in the intentions of the man. Are they searching Ramwa out specifically, or are they unaware of her presence?

Also, just some nit picky suggestions.

ADDITIONS in caps, [removals] in brackets:

Ramwa felt the men coming up behind her before she could see them. She SAT STILL[remained sitting, absolutely still,] in the tall grass. The yala petals DISSOLVED [were dissolving] in her mouth, and THEIR [the yala] power filled her mind with color: all the flowers in the meadow seemed to glow with the vibration of life. They [practically] sang to her, in vivid oranges and yellows. The yala told her there was a [wild] rabbit hidden [in the tall grass] nearby, ITS [his] delicate nose twitching with fear, waiting for the men to pass. Everything was alive with color, but the men were blank, empty spaces where there should be life.
They crept [slowly] toward her. The [Yala] petals had completely dissolved, and now Ramwa began to hum, quietly, a simple melody, calling to the grasses of the meadow, and


I'm unsure about the last adverb (quietly), as to whether it's necessary or not. But ultimately it's your choice.


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Judas
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I'd like to see the chapters...it's a good start. I like the changes cklabyrinth recommended.

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cklabyrinth
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BTW, you can send me the chapters as well. Forgot to add that.
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Void
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I like this. It promises to be very imaginative. I concur with the changes suggested above, which are minor but do improve. I would like to read more if you don't mind sending it to me.
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jeduthun
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I've emailed the three of you the first two chapters.
Posts: 41 | Registered: May 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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