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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Suicide World

   
Author Topic: Suicide World
Troy
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(This is a science fiction novel which is broken into sections with titles instead of chapters. The first section is called "Suicide World.")

On the day of her 21st birthday, she let slip her real name.

That morning she awoke, as she did every morning, to the cacophony of Suicide Steep. The wind uncoiled, flexed its tendrils over the fields, shivered in the grass; snapped and cracked the Atticant flags flying above Suicide City. The water: a thunderous gale which slathered and slashed at the rocks below, sharpening and smoothing them into the jagged teeth of a ravenous ocean. The water was never satisfied. No matter how much blood it got, no matter how many lives were swallowed up in its maw, it would always be hungry for more. And the people who sacrificed themselves to it -- they were hungry for death. This, she thought, was the hungriest place on earth.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Jun 2005  | Report this post to a Moderator
Troy
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Question of etiquette: Re: The first 13 lines rule. Is it the first 13 lines as laid out on my computer, or the first 13 lines that would appear on the forum?

Thanks.


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M_LaVerne
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Seems a bit over written but hey...it's suicide city. I'm intrigued mostly because I'm wondering how a place with a penchant for suicide maintains a population.

Give me the girl's name. Preferably after the first sentence but for sure by the last line. If she let it slip, then slip it to the reader already.

On a tech note...whichs need commas unless you meant to use that.

Cool.


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M_LaVerne
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Beats me about the 13 line thing. I'm new here myself. I assumed it meant the first 13 sentences. But I think the intent is to keep it short cause we're all supposedly busy writing...
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Troy
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You know what I just realized, I hate it when stories start with someone waking up. Waking up? DO something. In medias res, right? Gah.

But, eh, maybe because its a novel it will work....

(no, i know it wont. damn.)


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M_LaVerne
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Then just cut the first two sentences and go from there...
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M_LaVerne
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Oh, and give me the girl's name and make it a good one. Her name needs to say to me she's different. She's stared at the jagged teeth...she's peered over the edge...but for some reason said f@#$ it...she's gonna live.
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mythopoetic
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I am incredibly intrigued. I liked the whole thing about the "hungriest place on earth". I'd be happy to read more at some point if you want me to.
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Beth
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First 13 means the first 13 lines in your word processor, using a 12-point font and 1" margins.

and yeah, give me her name. If she's important enough to start with, she's important enough to name.

The descriptive paragraph is pretty good, I think. Perhaps a tiny bit overwritten, and I don't think I'd want to read a whole novel that's written like that paragraph - but it's good dramatic description. Hopefully, after that paragraph, you start to spend more time with your unnamed woman - that's where the story really is, not with the water. I hope. If it's a story about water I'm probably not very interested.



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M_LaVerne
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Yup...
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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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What Beth said about the first 13 lines.

The idea is that you are showing us the first page of your manuscript. When you send a story to an editor, the editor will look at the first page, and depending on whether or not you have done your job, may or may not go on to the second page.

If the editor doesn't go to the second page, your manuscript goes back to you in your SASE along with a rejection letter.

We ask for only the first 13 lines in order to do one (or both) of two things:

1--tell you whether we think the editor will go to the next page (based on whether or not we would) and what we think you could do to help improve your chances with the editor.

2--decide whether or not we would be willing to look at and give you feedback on the whole thing.

So set your story up in manuscript format, with only 13 lines on the first page, and post just that much.


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Bumbus_McGee
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I thought it was good. I personally don't see why we need to know the name so badly. It could be an interesting element to have a protagonist you don't know the name of, but that is just my opinion.
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LeGLeSs
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i agree with bumbus the name is a mystery a bit like suicide city ....

[This message has been edited by LeGLeSs (edited June 16, 2005).]


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Killerkop
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I agree, im intriuged to just what this suicide world is, and the how it plays out in your story, the added mystery of an unknown character just goes with it. I dont think it would work is we knew Lauren was walking around suicide city. But the descriptions you have are amazing, but at the same time i feel like its overkill. The jagged and the maw and all that stuff, its an awesome way to describe it and really gives this place an alive feel (which is awesome for it to be suicide city) i think maybe its just too much too fast, maybe if there were a few more lines in there with "typical" descriptions it would balance out, but thats only my opinion. If your looking for readers, im interested.
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