posted
This is the second opening choice. A few hours after the birth of the main character. Through the eyes of a warrior.
I'd reather start with the birth but it may be too dark. I'm vaclempt about the whole thing...help...
They reached the Wood by sunset. The sky lay rimed in fire as night began its quiet descent. Edward could feel the throbbing of the trees beneath his mount’s plodding. It thudded in his heart; a warning of what was to come. He held the babe tight in the blood-stained wool as he passed beneath the tumbling Oak and high-reaching Ash, praying to the Gate Keeper for the wits to see this through till the last. He had no doubt now of the child’s life, for it wept vigorously the whole way, crying for something Edward could not provide.
When they entered the Willow field, Michael dismounted, and moved to the trail horse to retrieve the body of the babe’s mother. Edward grasped more tightly to the small life in his arms as he watched his war-brother carry the shell to the base of the Mother Willow. Michael laid the girl unceremoniously upon the moss beside the large, lifeless trunk. Bones lay scattered here and there, reminders of the prior vessels of the cursed Queen. The sun would soon bleach this girl’s bones after she was the meal to a dozen beasts of earth and air. If Edward didn’t act, the child’s bones would lay here as well.
“I hate this place,” Michael mumbled. “Cursed trees. One of these days the Guardians will be watching and we’ll become memory.”
posted
I think I like this one better, mainly because it's clearer. I can more easily follow who is who and what is what. In the first I stumble over who Helen is. The first paragraph makes me feel certain she is the mother of the child. Brings back fond memories of brushing my own fingers again baby toes. But if you firmly establish in that first paragraph that Helen is the midwife, I think I might like the first opening better. I think it helps lead nicely into #2.
Posts: 1672 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Thanks djvdakota. You basicly said what I've been thinking. I can't seem to settle into those first few lines of option one. They seem wrong--choppy, or blurry or something. On a whole it's a really good chapter, and important to the different characters in the story. I just can't get past those first lines--I've been rewording them for a year now--to figure out how to paint my picture. I'll probably figure it out at like 2am some night when I can't find the energy to pick up my pen.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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I remember this from your posting it...when was it? A while ago. I liked it, so don't give up.
But clarity is the issue.
First about Helen, then about where the baby is. I'm thrown around just a little as to whether the baby is born or unborn. Just a little.
Maybe something as simple as:
"Helen brushed her fingertips against the young mother's belly. A tiny foot pushed outward..."
I think one of the problems I'm having is with 'toes'. You don't really feel the babies toes through the womb. It's too thick to be that precise about what you're feeling. Just 'foot' would help make it more clear that the baby is still inside the womb.
I'd actually be interested in reading more of this, if you're looking. I wouldn't be able to get to it until after next week, but I'd still be ineterested then.
The child’s foot pushed from within the belly of the mother, brushing at Helen’s fingertips. It kicked out, and then pulled away, as if seeking the safety of the dark womb; as if it somehow understood that the world it was soon to enter would not welcome it.
Okay now there's still the issue of it seeming like Helen is the mother.
I would scrap the whole first paragraph, but I really like..."as if it somehow understood that the world it was soon to enter would not welcome it." It's really perfect for the piture of the babies future.
posted
[quote="djvdakota"]Helen brushed her fingertips against the young mother's belly. A tiny foot pushed outward...[/quote]
Either Dakota's suggestion, or perhaps:
"The child’s foot pushed from within the belly of the mother, brushing at Helen’s fingertips as she stood by, ready to aid the reluctant delivery. It kicked, then pulled away..."
or:
"Helen stood by, ready to aid the reluctant delivery, worriedly caressing the mother's swollen belly. The child's foot pressed outward, pushing against Helen's fingertips. It kicked, then pulled away..."
I actually like the first opening that you posted better than the one in this thread, if you can clear it up a bit.
posted
Yah, this thread above is actually in chapter three.
I'm glad someone liked the other thread better. That's actually my first chapter. I have it in with an editor at Strang Pub. right now. I went through the whole mess: query...he said, "yah, sounds great, send more", then on to the proposal. He liked the first 50pgs and asked for the manuscript. So now I wait...and wait...oh yah, and then I wait some more. The clincher is that the first 50pgs I sent him started with this thread above--option two--cause I'd done all this crazy editing--mostly because the first chapter was driving me crazy--and so I really hope he still likes the manuscript with the Helen chapter first.
Thanks for all your help everyone! If anyone besides Dakota would like to comb through all of chapter one (option one), I'd really apreciate it.
Is this getting confusing to anyone besides me?
I'm trying to be prepared to send it out again in case the nice editor guy says to pound sand after eight months of dialoging. Ahhh! Well, no one said a writer's life was emotionally stable...
posted
Vaclempt--which I don't even know if that's how you spell it--is a word I got from Saturday Night Live. Yah know, "Coffee Talk"?..."Call, we'll talk. No big whoop!"
posted
I think that you're missing the point of DJ's suggestion. She started with a perceptual activity on the part of the POV character. You've consistently failed to do that. I don't know why.
POV refers to the place from which the reader will see the events of the story. Establishing POV is equivalent to a movie director deciding where to put the camera and what direction to point it. It's not quite everything, but it's pretty close. It doesn't matter if you have brilliant special effects and get the most luminous performances out of top-notch actors if you "can't be bothered" with camera placement.
Start with the basic pattern, [name of POV character][verb performed by POV character][defining element of the overall scene upon which the POV character performs the verb]. Once you've started the scene that way, you can go back and tweak things a bit if you like. But that pattern is usually simply the best way to start your scene. It establishes the entire scene, gives the context and perspective that we need to react to the events of the scene as a participant rather than a decoder.
You can achieve a lot of effects, most of them humorous, by deviating from the pattern to a greater or lesser extent. But you should be doing it on purpose, not because you simply never use the basic structure.
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I guess I should scrap the toes. Oh, well...
