posted
Okay, I completely agree with what everyone has said (Thanks, Survivor for clarifying some of the issues...duh). So, here is a new go at the first thirteen for option one. I hope it cleaned most of the muddle up. Thanks everybody for your input...keep it commin'...
Helen placed a hand on the belly of her young charge. She could feel the life within, struggling to remain. It kicked out, pressing against her palm, and she felt a surge of fear. Could the child sense what lay beyond its safe refuge? For as each moment passed without an end to this torture, it began to seem as if the child knew that the world it was soon to enter would not welcome it.
She pulled back her hand and dipped a rag into the bowl beside her, watching for signs of awareness in the girl's eyes. After twenty-three hours there had been no progress, other than the slowly ebbing life of mother and child seeping into the weathered quilts and molded hay. The child would not come, and with each tightening of the mother’s belly it became clear that death was close.
She placed the cool rag on the mother’s face, wiping away the perspiration. An intense heat bled from the girl’s pores as the sun sank into the horizon. Soon it would be too late. Most likely it was too late already.
Is there still a question as to what's going on. Has the whole "is Helen the mother" thing been cleared up? I still read it and feel like I see a thousand misstakes so feel free to tear at it with great vigor. Oh, and the "progress" thing I decided to just leave for now...I have to still think about that one.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited June 20, 2005).]
posted
It is much clearer now. Only nit from me would be to not call the mother anything but "the mother" throughout the scene. You call her "girl" a couple of times and it could be confusing.
... for signs of awareness in the girl's eyes
... intense heat bled from the girl’s pores
If you need us to know that she is young enough to be called girl, then maybe say something like:
Such a shame for one so young to die in childbirth. OR This confirmed Helen's conviction that girls this young should wait to be mothers.
posted
That's actually been irritating me too, but then when I replace "girl" with "mother" it sounds repetative. "mother, mother, mother..." Yuck! So basicly I just have to decide which is more damaging: repetition, or confusion. Probably confusion...I guess...maybe... Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
I don't have much to complain about, so I'll go for a nit: An intense heat bled from the girl’s pores as the sun sank into the horizon. I can't picture this; heat would come from the whole skin, not the pores; and the sun seems irrelevant. Maybe something like "The sun sank into the horizon, but despite the cool, her skin [was hot -- however you'd describe it]."
The fact that I pounced on that one sentence shows I didn't find much else to complain of.
posted
That's funny. The "...bled from her pores..." refers to persperation. My nebulous way of drawing a word picture. Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
Just say "perspiration gleamed in the light of the setting sun". We all know what that looks like. Or, at least we wouldn't admit not knowing
It's interesting how you portray Helen as being a nurse rather than a midwife. In other words, I didn't get the impression that she's there specifically to oversee the childbirth. In this version it seems like the girl is her charge anyway. I'm not sure that was your intention, though.
For the "girl", if you refer to her once as "the young mother" (italics are mine, you won't need them), then all the other references can be "girl" or "child" without too much problem.
Overall I think that this does have more...descriptive value than before, but some of the descriptions seem a bit off target. Only because we already have an idea what you're trying to describe, though.
The one thing that gets me is: "After twenty-three hours there had been no progress, other than the slowly ebbing life of the mother and the child seeping into the weathered quilts and molded hay."
I know what you mean by it but rearrange a few of the words like so: "..other than her life slowly ebbing away" or something like that.
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