posted
Hi, this is a short story. Sci-fi setting. 2000 words Does it grab? Any readers would be great.
Edit: Forgot to mention, there is some low-level coarse language.
Leon raged through the tunnels he had carved from the red rock himself. ‘Julie!’ the woman didn’t answer. 'Julie! Where the hell are you?’ He stormed into the kitchen, another cavity he’d gouged-out himself with pick and hammer. Julie was there sitting beneath the only skylight in the house. She was nursing a bottle of sweet potato gin. ‘You into it already?’ he spat the words at her. She stirred from her stupor, ‘I can’t work today.’ He regarded her as he would a bag-lady; one he happened to have married.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 21, 2005).]
posted
Not hooked -- mostly because I find the man so repulsive I don't care what happens to him. (Or her, for that matter.) If I liked the characters, I might well be interested in this carving-out-a-home thing.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Just a few things you need to tweak. When you say "... he had carved from the rock 'himself'". The 'himself' is not needed in the two places you used them, and serve more so as a distraction. If you want to emphasize more thoroughly on how he created everything, I suggest writing a paragraph or just a sentence about how hard or easy it was to do so. The 'himself' should be dropped. Other than that, I'd just reccomend going over it again after a few days, and rearranging a few of the sentences so they flow together more smoothly. I'm not sure if the style caught me, but I am interested in what's going on, so that's a plus.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I'm interested in the carving-out-a-home part, and the sweet potato gin part, but agree that Leon seems to be an unpleasant chap. There are also a number of grammatical irregularities that get in the way for me.
Posts: 1750 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
He is repulsive/unpleasant isn't he? I am surprised he engendered this reaction so fast. He gets worse before he improves.
I know this is rough, so help me out with the grammatical irregularities. I am not great with grammar or characterisation or plot or language or... most other things.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited June 21, 2005).]
posted
"sweet potato gin" is really a wonderful detail, though.
OK, so purely on the grammatical stuff, I'd suggest this:
Leon raged through the tunnels he had carved from the red rock himself. ‘Julie!’ the [Capitalize The - the rest of the sentence is not a dialog attribution, but its own sentence.] woman didn’t answer. 'Julie! Where the hell are you?’ He stormed into the kitchen, another cavity he’d gouged-out himself with pick and hammer. Julie was there [I'd put a comma here but am not positive it's mandatory] sitting beneath the only skylight in the house. She was nursing a bottle of sweet potato gin. ‘You into it already?’ he [Cap He - again, the second half of the sentence its own sentence, not an attribution - either cap He, or rephrase - "You into it already?" he spat.] spat the words at her. She stirred from her stupor, [Period instead of comma, again b/c it's its own sentence] ‘I can’t work today.’ He regarded her as he would a bag-lady; [s/b a comma, not a semi-colon.] one he happened to have married.
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