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Author Topic: Potter's Curse--Flash Fix
pixydust
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Hey! Here's the first 13 of my FLASH story. I have--hopefully--made it clearer what is going on, and would like a few critiques to see if I'm headed in the right direction. It's about 1600wds total. Thanks guys for all the comments back at LH. It really helped me pull it all together.

Have fun!

Elisabeth tried not to look at the man, Potter, across the table, but he was almost too large to avoid. His muscular shoulders hunched over his bowl as if he were guarding its contents from the children sitting on either side of him. Little Jeffrey and Susan didn’t hide their curiosity. They gaped at the man with wide eyes as if he were a statue in a museum come to life.

She wondered where her father had found this one. Potter seemed much stronger than the others. Perhaps he would last longer. No, this was not the first. There had been at least six others, all of them now buried beneath the large mother oak at the south edge of their farm. They seemed to do the oak well, for it had grown at least three feet in the last year while everything else around them died away.


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TheoPhileo
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I'll take a look at it again, if you'd like
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wbriggs
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I'll read.
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NewsBys
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I'm hooked and I'd like to read it.
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Shi Magadan
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I'll take a look.
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Survivor
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"No this was not the first" was unnecessary and jarred me out of the POV. Other than that, it seemed an interesting opening that engaged the POV well.
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pixydust
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Thanks guys! It's on it's way.

Your right Survivor, thanks. I can just cut that. And it sounds much smoother.


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Survivor
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By the way, my plate doesn't look overfull here, notwithstanding various life things that tangentially involve me. I might be able to read this if you send it in the next day.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999  | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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