posted
Okay, this story is not finished yet, but I think is is shaping up to be about novella length. So keeping in mind this is a work in progress, I could use some help with the beginning. All right, here goes.
When she remembered her father years later, she always thought of him as big and golden. He would squeeze her little body so hard that she could hardly breathe, and it was wonderful. When she rode on his shoulders, it was the best and scariest thing, and she felt like she could see the whole world. To her young self, it felt like he could fix anything. The only time he failed her was the day he died.
She recalled watching from the bushes, hiding her bright fire red hair as he fought with the soldiers, as he laughed at them, as he flung weaker and weaker spells at them, and as he died with the lauphter still on his lips and his bright blood pooling around him. She watched, unable to look away as they dragged in a girl who looked so like her, and killed her, shouting they had the princess Sophia.
It was not until years later, when she faced her own death by the sword that she understood that he hadn't failed at all.
Is this any better?
[This message has been edited by maria102182 (edited September 02, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by maria102182 (edited September 02, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by maria102182 (edited September 02, 2005).]
[This message has been edited by maria102182 (edited September 02, 2005).]
posted
What you have here is really great and I liked it a lot. It has good emotion and tension, and you manage to build it up just right.
Some tips.
1. Don't hide the protagonist's name. It's one of the most annoying things to me, reading through pages and pages only for the narrator to casually reveal the characters name to be something mundane. Unless it's important to the plot, tell us who the progtagonist is as quick as the story allows. Plowing through all the "shes" and "hers" in place of proper nouns is kind of annoying.
2. Try to establish your genre. As I read the opening paragraph, I thought this was a modern day romance. After the mention of the princess, I had no idea where or when this was set. Is this fantasy? Mainstream?
Flashback and reflection openings are hard to pull off, but in this instance, you managed to make it work. Good work.
[This message has been edited by Swimming Bird (edited September 02, 2005).]
posted
I like it! Aside from what Swimming Bird said, here's my thoughts:
quote:She watched from the bushes with her bright fire hair covered as he fought...
I didn't realize at first that this was a flashback--I think the solution would simply be to say "She had watched..." and continue as you do. Also, the bit about the "bright fire hair" confused me, and I had to re-read it a couple of times before I realized that she had bright red/gold hair that would be easily seen from the bushes unless it was covered. It's a good detail, but it's awkwardly worded.
Hmm... I think that's all from my end of things. You've got a great start here!
posted
A promising beginning, but I have a problem with this convenient lookalike with whom the protagonist is apparently unacquainted. It seems too pat. An illegitimate sister, a cousin, almost anything would work better for me.
Posts: 245 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I certainatly appreciate all the help. In the next paragraph it was going to become clear that she was thinking about this the night before she has to face her execution in and arena, kind of like the Romans did it. I tried other openings, but this is what worked for me, at least so far. And her name is Sophia. And red hair is quite common among her people, so a look alike would not be that hard to find. I was trying to point out that they found the wrong girl, and it saved the princess's life, and allowed her to grow up and save her people.
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
No, she's just to young to know about something like that.
I'll pretty much stick to SB's first point. There are some slight issues about how the "flashbackiness" of this opening is handled, but some good proper nouns would help a lot.
In addition to the names (and perhaps titles) of both "him" and "her", consider naming the place and time the remembered event occurred, and the place and time from which she remembers it. You don't need to stop there either.
posted
okay good feedback, now another question. How would I expand this begining without making it seem drawn out. I want her to remember this in better detail, and insert more of the magic. Thoughts?
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I think if you're too add any more detail it should come in the 2nd paragraph. That scene is the crux of what you're writing about so I'd add it in there.
As for the magic - maybe add some sort of obfuscation spell that Sophia's father cast to help hide her. Red hair in green bushes is hard to hide. Just a thought...
On the subject of red hair, although you've explained that red hair is common amongst Sophia's people to us, you haven't in the paragraph so it does seem odd that a look-a-like is so readily available. Also it's unclear if the look-a-like was planted by Sophia's father to confuse the attackers or whether she was a handy scape-goat. Without the explanation it reads like she's the latter, but I assume you mean the former.
All that said, the emotion really comes across in what you've written. The switch from the joy of rememberance to the horror of it all is so subtle, it was a joy to read. The sound of laughter from the moment of the father holdin Sophia, to the moment of his death held everything together fantastically. Plus, the last sentence is a great pay-off.
posted
The phrase "looked so like her" gave me the impression that the resemblance was more than just their having the same colour hair.
If red hair is so common, then grabbing the first red-headed girl they see and assuming she's Sophia makes the soldiers very stupid. Killing her without establishing her identity makes them...well.
If the soldiers rounded up every red-headed girl they could find and killed them all, on the assumption that one of them must be Sophia, that might work. Think Slaughter of the Innocents...
posted
It is more than just the red hair, but this is a child remembering, so I was intentionally a little sketchy with the details. And the girl was a handy scapegoat. And the soilders are stupid, they just wanted to get the royal family out of the way so they can get to looting. I meant it to be that when someone who did know what they were looking for came to make sure, they only had a description, and when they couldn't find someone who fit it better they assumed that the soldiers got it right. And red hair is easy to see from the bushes, that's why it's covered up.
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I've been doing some thinking, and I thought I would maybe start this with her in prison facing an unjust execution, and remembering her life, and then I bring this in. Does that sound better, or should I leave it the way it is?
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Whatever you do, avoid an opening scene that is a flashback. Editors will toss that unread. It's a sign you are opening the story in the wrong spot. Perhaps start with the scene as it first happens.
My theory is you should start a story at the point things begin to unravel for the protagonist. Not necessarily at the point THEY realize that fact, but at the point their life suddenly veers in a different direction.
posted
Well, speaking as an editor, I would probably read past a flashback opening (I might groan a little first), but I would definitely have problems with a protagonist escaping because the antagonist is stupid (or their representatives are). It's too easy.
Don't make things easy for the protagonist. Make things hard. As Bill Martell has it--"what's the worst thing that could happen?". The soldiers kill the other girl, your protagonist thinks herself safe, but then she's spotted. Or someone betrays her. She can't fight the soldiers so she has to find some other way to escape. Ramp up the tension.
posted
I see what you mean. I had meant after this to show that she was in prison and facing a horrible execution. I guess my point is that she has always been in danger, and even though she survived that, she isn't going to survive now. Her life has always been in danger, becuase her enemies are very aware that she is the ralying point that she is. And I wanted to start the story off with a good action scene, kind of the mood she survives against increadible odds, but her luck is running out.
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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quote:And I wanted to start the story off with a good action scene, kind of the mood she survives against increadible odds, but her luck is running out.
That's an excellent starting point, in my opinion. Go for it! Really stack those odds against your protagonist, and show she has to be clever and resourceful and work hard to survive.
posted
I just finished reading OSC's book How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy, and I realized that I was trying to write the kind of story where the world order is upset, and then gets back to normal after various complications. And he said in the book that you should start the story when the world order gets upset, at least for the main character, and for her it is when she has to watch her parents die, and I was spot on with starting the story here, I just need to expand it more. Anyway, as you can tell, I'm exited about this. Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Okay, but in that case you need to start it when the world is normal and show the world getting upset. That means you start there in scene, not in flashback. Unless the flashback itself is an event that upsets her world.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Alright, I also agree with the flashback is a risky way to start a book. However; you're working in a world of magic. What's to stop you from writing it as a magically recorded event. This way you could start the opening scene in the present tense and when the flashback is over, cut scene to the protag looking in a magic journal that visually shows her entries, or a crystal ball (as lame as that sounds) or basin of water(I just watched the movie "Serenity" and this particular hooked worked extremely well).
This process would also allow you to tie the flashback in with her present actions. Perhaps she is watching the memory to gain resolve for something she is about to do. Or perhaps the protag is the brooding, dark anti-hero who watches the memory every day to remind her why she is who she is.
When showing the world of order going into disorder, remember that the word "order" doesn't necesarrily mean "good" or "calm". The word "order" refers to the world's natural state according to your POV. If your POV is a grim, remorse-filled woman who still grieves/resents her father's death and she lives in land at war, then keep her that way because that is HER order. As long as you create situations that cause her to grow, then you have created disorder.
posted
I tried starting it with her in prison about to die, and I tried starting it later, but neither of them fit. It just needs more work. But I do think I have picked the best place to have it start. She is youmg, but old enough to remember as an adult when the kingdom was peaceful, and not the conqured shell that it is. The war is the disorder, and she has to lead her people so that things can get back to the way they are supposed to be.
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