Someday someone somewhere is going to invent a bomb which will destroy all the humans and animals within a certain radius, its blast radius, while leaving structures and plant-life intact. Itâ€™ll look something like a slow blue wave, and after it splashes through the center of city after city, total surprise, on a cold October morning, the Enemy (with a capital E) will arrive by the busloads and will walk around picking out new houses. Whole families of them. These will be foreign people, people whose customs we could never hope to understand. They will speak to each other in a strange language and will use indecipherable criteria to select their new homes. What color is the car? Is there a dog dish? What brands of electronics are in the house?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 21, 2005).]
Are you looking for full crits? And how long is the piece?
I love the "it'll look something like a slow blue wave... on a cold October morning", that totally changes the flavour of the introduction.
I have no idea what's really going on, since the last couple of lines indicate that Kin's information is actually just an aside. But I'd definitely read on, simply because the prose style is just pure joy to read.
I can probably crit anything under 3000 words, if you want to send it my way. I'm not sure I like it, but I don't dislike it either. I need to get a stronger image of what is going on to decide.
Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jul 2004
It seemed to me almost to blah for what you seem to be trying to portray. And I would put more emphasis on the backround in the later story. My big question, who are these enemies?
Posts: 102 | Registered: Aug 2005
quote:Well, I guess the problem is I wasn't using courier. Made my 13 lines slightly longer than is acceptable, I guess.
From the "Please Read Here First" area:
quote:This is the way we determine if a story fragment is 13 lines or not:
First we highlight the text and copy it to the computer clipboard. Then we paste it into a manuscript template in MS Word, with Courier New font set at 12. Then we count the lines. If the sentence in the 13th line is only a little longer, we let the text go over 13 lines.
Finally, we go back to the topic and delete all but the actual, MS-Word-manuscript-format-12-point-font 13 lines.
I thought I'd post the explanation for those who might not have realized about courier, TL 601. I'm glad you're NOT one of the few who need things pounded into their brains.
Posts: 8276 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
I have read your piece and the critique will be sent tomorrow.
I am cogitating, letting the thoughts settle.
The initial feeling is, this is interesting writing and sounds right, but is there a story in there?
Is it supposed to be a stand alone? It seems a bit disjointed and ignores punctuation and grammatical conventions. Like the first few paragraphs. I am not sure if this is a deliberate tactic to make the text feel dense and impenetrable or whether you have some other aim.
Crit will come tomorrow.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 26, 2005).]