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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Carnival Pop

   
Author Topic: Carnival Pop
TL 601
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Carnival Pop

Someday someone somewhere is going to invent a bomb which will destroy all the humans and animals within a certain radius, its blast radius, while leaving structures and plant-life intact. It’ll look something like a slow blue wave, and after it splashes through the center of city after city, total surprise, on a cold October morning, the Enemy (with a capital E) will arrive by the busloads and will walk around picking out new houses. Whole families of them. These will be foreign people, people whose customs we could never hope to understand. They will speak to each other in a strange language and will use indecipherable criteria to select their new homes. What color is the car? Is there a dog dish? What brands of electronics are in the house?

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 21, 2005).]


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tchernabyelo
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Are you looking for full crits? And how long is the piece?

I love the "it'll look something like a slow blue wave... on a cold October morning", that totally changes the flavour of the introduction.

I have no idea what's really going on, since the last couple of lines indicate that Kin's information is actually just an aside. But I'd definitely read on, simply because the prose style is just pure joy to read.


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TL 601
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Yes, I am looking for crits. Indeedly-do.
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thexmedic
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Generally I like it. It’s a nice style. The action is underplayed, but that’s kind of the point (I think) and it adds some humour, which keeps the thing moving.

As far as crits are concerned:

I think you could cut “within a certain radius, its blast radius” down to “within its blast radius.” It just seemed a little repetitive and I think everyone will get what a blast radius is.

Because of the tone, which is slightly formal, I would change the “It’ll” at the beginning of the 2nd sentence to “It will.”

I would cut “(with a capital E)”. It’s a little to cute for it’s own good. Its funny, don’t get me wrong, it’s just not the same tone of funny as the rest of the piece.

Plus, I really don’t get the last line. Maybe it makes more sense after these lines though.

Still, I liked it.


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tchernabyelo
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Well, I'm willing ot read and crit, as long as it isn't the start of a magnum opus.

Send it along and I'll do what I can.


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benskia
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Slowly, but surely, they will draw their plans against us.

I found it interesting so far. Would like to read more & offer a brief critique on the overall thing if poss.

Is the "(capital E)" bit staying, or was that for our benefit? This might come over as a bit "dear reader" if its stopping. Which I dont mind, but others seem to.


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TL 601
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Not sure why this was edited, for the record. I *did* follow the 13 lines rule. I get very irritated when people don't, so I always do.

But okay.


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TL 601
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Well, I guess the problem is I wasn't using courier. Made my 13 lines slightly longer than is acceptable, I guess.
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Robyn_Hood
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I can probably crit anything under 3000 words, if you want to send it my way. I'm not sure I like it, but I don't dislike it either. I need to get a stronger image of what is going on to decide.
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TL 601
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so...

tchernabyelo
benskia
Robyn_Hood.

sent. and thank you.

It's 2249 words, if anyone else is interested in reading it.


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hoptoad
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I like the image, but have to wonder how the ENEMY will deal with infrastructure and services though.

If you still want readers, send it through.

Edit: The above list of respondents is a great group, let me bring down the tone a bit...

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 21, 2005).]


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TL 601
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eh, i forgot to take my address off this.

no one abuse it, please.


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rcorporon
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I like it so far, but the last 2 questions are confusing (only because I don't know what is going on totally).

The style of writing is easy and fun to read.

Good stuff,
Ronnie


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benskia
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Heh heh. That was a fun read. Totally different to what I was expecting.

I've sent my crit back to you in e-mail.


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pixydust
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I'll ck this one out TL. I always seem to love what your crazy brain comes up with. It makes me feel less alone in the universe.
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TL 601
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sent, pixydust, and thank you.
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Jaz
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So far I like it, as everyone else seems to. You def. have me hooked and I am interested to see where it goes. Send it to satwell426@yahoo.com and I'll try to help where I can.

Jaz


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maria102182
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It seemed to me almost to blah for what you seem to be trying to portray. And I would put more emphasis on the backround in the later story. My big question, who are these enemies?
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TL 601
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Would you feel betrayed if you found out the story really wasn't about these Enemies?

just curious.


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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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quote:
Well, I guess the problem is I wasn't using courier. Made my 13 lines slightly longer than is acceptable, I guess.

From the "Please Read Here First" area:

quote:
This is the way we determine if a story fragment is 13 lines or not:

First we highlight the text and copy it to the computer clipboard. Then we paste it into a manuscript template in MS Word, with Courier New font set at 12. Then we count the lines. If the sentence in the 13th line is only a little longer, we let the text go over 13 lines.

Finally, we go back to the topic and delete all but the actual, MS-Word-manuscript-format-12-point-font 13 lines.



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pixydust
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I went ahead and posted the critique in your PSC forum, Troy. Thanks for the fun read.
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TL 601
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Yes, Kathleen, as I said, I realized why you cut it, and I'm fine with it.

When I initially posted it, I just wasn't thinking.


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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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I thought I'd post the explanation for those who might not have realized about courier, TL 601. I'm glad you're NOT one of the few who need things pounded into their brains.
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hoptoad
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I have read your piece and the critique will be sent tomorrow.

I am cogitating, letting the thoughts settle.

The initial feeling is, this is interesting writing and sounds right, but is there a story in there?

Is it supposed to be a stand alone? It seems a bit disjointed and ignores punctuation and grammatical conventions. Like the first few paragraphs. I am not sure if this is a deliberate tactic to make the text feel dense and impenetrable or whether you have some other aim.

Crit will come tomorrow.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited September 26, 2005).]


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