I think I have this more or less the way I want it now.
Any comments would be appreciated before I send this out. I'm considering Apex as a possible market.
The full text is also posted in my PSC forum at Liberty Hall.
------------------- Title: Switch! Word Count: 499 Genre: sci-fi -------------------
They say a child doesn’t start making coherent memories until after age of three or four, but that isn’t always true. At least, I don’t think it is.
For me, it seems as though I have always had memories. I remember sitting in my crib, playing with my stuffed animals; and standing in front of the oven, watching mom’s chocolate chip cookies bake. I remember learning to walk and talk -- struggling to feel coordinated. I remember...
It’s just that now, I’m not so sure those memories are mine. In fact, I’m not so sure any of my memories are real.
[This message has been edited by Robyn_Hood (edited October 04, 2005).]
posted
"doesn't-isn't-don't" confuses me. Any way to lose one of the negatives in the first paragraph? Makes good sense otherwise and it hooks me.
Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
I don’t agree, I think the first part adds information. But I do think that the first and second paragraphs could be combined. In doing so, I think you can cut the last sentence of the first paragraph.
Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
So much depends on where this is heading. The recounted memories don't work for me--they come across as an adult's version of how they imagine a small child might feel. But that might be intentional. Perhaps even intrinsic to the story. So I hesitate to criticise .
Posts: 245 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
At this point she's really looking for final readers of the whole thing, not crits on the snipped posted. Or she might have sent it already.
I will say, at this late date, that perhaps the second sentance should be changed to "At least, I didn't think it was." That gives a little more connection to the revelation of the last line of your snippet.
And how can you not know where this is going, Buffy? Aren't you paying attention?
posted
Thanks for the comments. However, Survivor is correct, I am looking for final edit readers. For me, that means no major plot changes or massive re-writing; I want to make sure there are no errors and that the logic works.
quote:They say a child doesn’t start making coherent memories until after age of three or four, but that isn’t always true. At least, I don’t think it is.
Survivor, I thought I needed the "it is" to agree with the "isn't" of the previous sentence since they reference the same concept. Also, I'm wanting to communicate that she is experiencing confusion right now, not that she never that it was true.
Am I off base? Should I consider a different way to communicate that confusion?
posted
I already commented on the last version, but if you are just looking for a quick read through for errors, send it my way. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
It wasn't the logic which made the first paragraph hard for me to read but the superficial appearance of illogic.The three "n't" contractions threw me.
Stopping to sort out negatives may be easy for some folks but what if the editor is a bit obsessive compulsive and dyslexic?
posted
It's just so easy to misread "any comments would be appreciated" as meaning that any comments would be appreciated. My mistake!
Posts: 245 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
No, I'm sure she appreciated the comment, but I'm just surprised you missed the discussion of her story idea on the other forum. The fact that the character's memories don't seem like normal memories is the whole point of the piece, so it was good that you noticed that.
And I was overstating when I said she wasn't interested in feedback on the opening text. After all, my comment was on a line in the opening, the same one that had been mentioned by then. I just meant that she was also looking for final draft readers.
posted
If the story was posted before, I missed it. We busy editors, you know .
I gathered that the premise was that the character unusually had memories from the years prior to about three or four years of age. My problem was that the memories as presented didn't convince. Now that may be deliberate--the story goes on, for example, to explain that this person only thinks they have these memories, but they are in fact fabrications by an adult imagining how a two-year-old would perceive the world (like when adults are hypnotised and then 'regressed', and act as they think small children act, rather than as such children actually do act).
Or, it could be that the memories are meant to convince me that they are genuinely the memories of a two-year-old. Without reading the rest of the story, I can't say, so I hesitate to suggest "but these aren't believable as memories from a two-year-old, even if such memories could exist".
posted
It isn't necessarilly a spoiler. While there is a twist, the hints need to be there in order for it to work. There's no reason why an intelligent reader couldn't put things together. Posts: 1473 | Registered: Jul 2004
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