posted
Short story of about 1,500 words, in which a teacher says she'd sell her sould for more hours in a day, only to meet with the Subsitute Teacher From Hell who is willing to take her up on that offer. I'm afraid it's awfully stereotypical, and that the hook just isn't good enough. Here's the first thirteen:
On one of those spring days that start out like winter and end up like summer, Kimberly Matthews sat in her empty classroom fanning herself with the seven pages of to-do list that John, her husband, had written out for her. Out the window, the last bus pulled out of the parking lot. Kim took a sip of water, and made a face. It was like drinking bath water.
She went over to the bookshelf and divided the bottle of warm water between the plants on each side of the extra world history textbooks. "Maybe this will help perk you up, poor things," she said, feeling as wilted as they were. Unlike the plants, though, she couldn't blame it on the heat. But some refreshing A/C wouldn't hurt her, and so she decided to seek out the air-conditioned half of the building,
I also don't like the A/C vs. air-conditioning terming. (Is "terming" even a word?) What do you think I should do?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 02, 2005).]
I think that if you want to convince the reader that this woman would sell her soul for more hours in the day, you need to show how desperately pressed for time she is. This opening doesn't achieve that. We know she has a long to-do list, but we don't see her rushing around getting on with it. Nor do we know what consequences, if any, there will be for her if she doesn't complete it. Or when the deadline is.
There's no apparent pressure on her at all. She has time to take a drink, water the plants, even talk to the plants. And to consider using up precious time by moving to another part of the building just because she's hot.
None of this shows me a woman under pressure of time. On the contrary.
Have her phone ringing. Have someone out in the car park honking their horn for her to come. Have several people--pupils, parents, whoever--all wanting to see her, and all impatiently jabbering for her attention and refusing to wait in line. Her watch beeps to remind her she has an appointment. She has only so long to get to the dry cleaners, the store, the school her own children attend, her friend's bridal shower. Whatever. Show the demands on her time and then we might believe she's desperate for more of it.
[This message has been edited by BuffySquirrel (edited October 02, 2005).]
posted
Ah, great idea! Thanks. That's exactly what this piece need. *beats self with a brick* I should have seen that myself. I guess it's hard to be objective enough. Or just plain logical enough.
So when I get the next draft done, I'll re-post it and see if anyone wants to take a look at it.
Thanks again, BuffySquirrel. Maybe now this story will actually make a bit of sense.
posted
Having a character refer to the "A / C" in dialog works for me---in the circles I move in, it seems to get as much use as "air conditioning"---"the 'A / C' is busted," "the 'A / C' is down," "the 'A / C' is too cold," "my car's 'A / C' is on the fritz," and so on---but I'd be hesitant to do so outside of dialog.
I notice that the examples I've made are all when the "A / C" has failed. Would a character notice it otherwise?
Quotation marks and spacing here are my own personal idiosyncrasies, though. (Would you believe I had to look up the spelling of "idiosyncrasies?")
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