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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » I just dug this one out of the closet...

   
Author Topic: I just dug this one out of the closet...
djvdakota
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...would anyone be willing to take a look at it for me? It's so old I'd forgotten it existed, but a fresh read didn't make me gag.

Length:It's VERY short--only 150 words
Title: Generations
Genre: I suppose you'd call it urban fantasy

I'll only give you the first four lines to tantalize...

quote:
Whirrrrr, clunk, click, hiss.

Grady picked up the copy as it slid out of the machine. Better. Dimmer. Threadier. Almost to that substanceless spiderweb kind of look that copies get as you wander further and further from the original, like blue veins under thin skin.




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yanos
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I'll look. But "threadier" scares me.
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Paul-girtbooks
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>substanceless< is a real tongue-twister of a word. I would try rephrasing that.
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tchernabyelo
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I was certainly intrigued as to quite what might be meant by "threadier".

At 150 words, I'll happily read. Knowing my tendency to blether on, my critique will probably be longer than the story!


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Dude
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I really like the language and the pacing of your teaser. I'll look at it. wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
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ThisProteanSoul
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Sure, I'll read too.
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wbriggs
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I'll read.
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djvdakota
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Thanks all. I'll think about 'threadier.' I mean, if it SCARES you...

[This message has been edited by djvdakota (edited October 12, 2005).]


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yanos
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It does!
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Survivor
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I'll look, but I agree about "substanceless" and "threadier". You can probably just replace "substanceless" with "ephemeral". You can do the same using "gossamer" instead of "threadier", though it isn't a comparative.

But it kinda sounds like one, neh?


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djvdakota
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Sure, Survivor. It's on its way.

Did all y'all get it?

Yanos: Skeletons in your closet? A nasty incident in a cotton mill?


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