posted
If you've seen the intro to Frienship in Trouble, you'll recognize the names. This, being another short story, reintroduces several of the same characters and the same setting. Chronologically, this is second of the two stories, but I worked very hard to keep it independant. I don't know the word count but I think this one is around 2-3k.
edit - this is fantasy.
Stealing for More
by Wil Ogden
For an elf, Lord Gehethrin had spoken in exceptionally ineloquent terms. Pantros laughed as the idiot stormed out of The Haughty Hedgehog. James, The lame dwarf who worked as the doorman even had a smile on his face. Pantros couldn't remember the last time he could perceive a smile through those whiskers. James had probably heard the whole conversation since Pantros had chosen the booth closest to the door to meet with the elf. The innkeeper came out from behind the bar and strolled over to sit across from Pantros. "What's up, sis? Pantros asked, rolling his blue eyes. "What did the elf want?" Tara, the innkeep asked.
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited October 17, 2005).]
posted
OK, we've got elves, dwarves, and (presumably) humans (as those who are not labelled otherwise), all in the first thirteen lines.
For me, that just breathes "Tolkein/D&D cliche", and having a pub called "The Haughty Hegehog" really doesn't help.
On a detailed level - I didn't like "perceive", unless Pantros (whose POV I'm guessing we're in) is deliberately given to using longer words where short ones will do (which he may well be).
Sorry, but I'm not hooked, and wouldn't read on. You'll have to do a lot to convince me there's a different, interesting voice here, with the cliched baggage you've chosen to work with. Not saying it can't be done... but you're making work for yourself.
posted
I would tend to agree; and the problem's easily enough fixed, I think. What might take more work is hooking the reader. So far, somebody thinks someone else isn't eloquent; I'm not hooked. What's the cool thing in this story? STart there, maybe.
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posted
Didn't somebody once say that if you have to keep using "had" then you started to late? You have:
- had spoken - had probably heard the whole conversation - had chosen the booth closest to the door to meet with the elf
If this were a movie, I would have the distinct feeling that it had started while I was getting my popcorn and I had missed the first 5 minutes. Personally, I think you should start earlier.
Edit for this additional thought:
In the first sentence, I got the impression that Lord Gehethrin, Pantros and 'the idiot' were three different people. Like Patros was watching Lord G say something that pissed off the idiot. (Who I picture as a village idiot, btw, which is not what I think you were going for.)
[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited November 19, 2005).]
posted
Gotta say, I was a bit shocked to see further feedback on this a month later.
Thanks tho, I clearly need to rework a bit.
I am currently in a overhaul rework of my whole world to eliminate the cliche elves and dwarves, at least in name. Just to, at a minimum, seperate their cultures from the cliche a person gets in the head when they see the word elf.
This will have the end result of severe changes to some of my novels and minor changes to others and no effect on several of my short stories. Still, it did open my eyes a bit as to what I need to do to stay out of the cliches, either that or I need to find an editor at TSR or whoever pubishes those role-player novels and figure out a way to bribe them or blackmail them
I asked them if I could write a story that used my old D&D character and they said yes as long as I didn't use game mechanics or other copyrighted material. I'm sure they said something else, but it has been almost 6 months or so.
But that's what stood out in my mind.
On to your story now, I've read Friendship in Trouble, how does this one relate to it? And are you going to rewrite the whole thing??
posted
Friendship in Trouble mentions both elves and dwarves so, when I come up with my replacement cultural (and racial) names for those species, I will simply have to go through and rename where needed and in some cases explain more about the character or explain less if its unimportant.
This particular story comes after the end of Friendship in Trouble by a couple of months.
Believe it or not, Pantros and Bryan were never role playing characters and Friendship in Trouble was written long before I really played Dungeons and Dragons. I experimented a little with it in college That story was written in my second junior year of high school. This one was written last winter.
But by deviating from the cliche elves and dwarves, the only problem I see is avoiding getting caught in the deluge of cultural stories that will roll over me once I start from scratch on those.
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That story was written in my second junior year of high school. This one was written last winter.
