posted
Deltron Experiment probably stank, so heres an alternative storyline. ask if you want the basic plot. critique requested.
Shadow elementals… the words seethed through the Emporers mind like wildfire. generations ago, the Shadow elements where defeated, so why did he worry about them? It must be that rebel, Dur An. That dragon belly has been clogging up our trade routes for long enough... “Captain Ikol. Take your men and make a sweep of the forest. Find the rebel and bring him to me.” Soon, the Emperor thought, soon, you will be in my grasp, boy…
“Another trade caravan, Dor.” The rebel group of Dur An was around the campfire when the scout, a wind Elemental called Falc On, came into camp and reported. The group was made completely of Elementals, so there was no need for large numbers. "Vulcan, feed that fire." the named fire was slowly dieing, so Vulcan set the embers ablaze whith a blast from His fingers.
[This message has been edited by dreadlord (edited November 15, 2005).]
posted
This reads like a super-condensed one-man play. You need to fill in the blanks between the sentences. Take your time. The reader wants to be immersed in the story.
Also, name the pronoun in the first sentence. Who is this 'him?'
posted
It was just to confusing for me to read. I gave up on the first paragraph. You simply need to slow down, and explain a little bit. Already, names like Shadows, Dragon Skin are appearing...
Posts: 14 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
I strongly recommend you get rid of all the capital letters for any word that is not a proper noun, ie someone's name. A capital letter has the same effect a period does because it brings the reader to a dead halt. The reader has to stop and make a decision as to whether this is a new sentence or not. It is like a stutter, and it destroys the smooth flow of the sentence. Don't use a capital letter to show us the character thinks something is important; you need to show us that fact through the character's thoughts and actions instead.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
the Him is the Emporer. I was trying to do the opposite of the norm for this kind of story. instead of the light being the good guy (of sorts) the dark is good, and the light is corrupt and selfish. I wanted to put the idea across that anything can be anything. (probably to complex for a first book, huh,) Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I don't think you should include definitions in your narrative. The serious insult would be more effective if it were either a familiar term or one so obviously derogatory that it needed no explanation. (Dragon skin in my mind represents strength or inviolability.) Also, the definition of an Elemental: if what you've provided is all there is, then it can probably be ommitted altogether - although you might want to make it clearer that the Elementals are not composed of their elements (are they?). If there's more, fill it in later when it's relevant.
The first paragraph seems unfocused; maybe that's why it's confusing. You introduce too many things at once with minimal development. Is the focus on shadow elementals in general? On the Emperor? Do we get a history of the defeat of the elements' shadows? Only after all these dead ends do we hear of the rebel.
posted
"Shadows of the Elements"? That sounds to me like lame sci-fi/fantasy. No offense. Think about it? How often is something the "shadow" of something in these genres. I wouldn't be surprised if you found it a little ridiculous as well, after you couldn't think of a better word for it. It appears like you try to shroud it in mystery as well to compensate, though I can't be sure.
If you have to TELL us that "dragon skin" is a serious insult in "Karboroc", maybe you shouldn't use it at all. Otherwise, drop the "(a serious insult in Karboroc)" thing. Or just tell us some way that's more natural.
I like the "Soon you'll be in my grasp, boy," thing.
Isn't "Falc On," just a different way of saying Falcon?
"beings who could control the abilities of a single element..." Show us, don't tell us. While I don't know exactly how you want to present your story, how about keeping the mystery going with these things called "Elementals".
posted
"…" I am not excactlly sure what the funny characters are at the end but they appear all over some posts I see and really distract me so badly I cant read through it.
Posts: 18 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
O.K, lets see if I can bring you up to speed a little... no, the elementals are not made of that element. that would, in my mind, be like saying that the druids in Terry Brooks The Sword of Shannara were made of magic. they simply are real people like you and me, who can use elements like fire and water to their advantage. as for the software I am using, I usually use the school computer during my free time to do this, so I dont know. yes, "Falc On" is just another way of saying falcon. Falc On is the wind elemental in Dur Ans little group, and the wind is naturally fast, so I wanted to portray that in everything about him. He is restless, temper-mental, and moody, like your average teenager. Dur An is the last of his kind: a shadow elemental. In my experience, Dragons seem to have a weak underbelly, so that portrays weakness... O.K, so that was lame. changing insult now. that better? now, about the shadows of the elements, what I mean is that the "dark elements" where all killed. namely, all the shadow elementals. I guess I should change things... that clear everything up? Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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Shadow elementals: the words seethed through the Emporers mind like wildfire. We know that the Shadow elements where defeated a long time ago, so why do I worry about them? It must be that rebel, Dur An. That dragon belly has been clogging up our trade routes for long enough... "Captain Ikol. Take your men and make a sweep of the forest. Find the rebel and bring him to me." Soon, the Emperor thought, soon, you will be in my grasp, boy.
"Another trade caravan, Dor." The rebel group of Dur An was around the campfire when the scout, a wind Elemental called Falc On, came into camp and reported. The group was made completely of Elementals, so there was no need for large numbers. "Vulcan, feed that fire." the named fire was slowly dieing, so Vulcan set the embers ablaze whith a blast from His fingers.
You go back and forth with 3rd person to we to I. Pick one and stick with it. If you are going to quote his thoughts this needs to be italisized to seperate it from the narrative text. (check the ubbcode button to the left to see how to italicize in Hatrack)
Soon, the Emperor thought, soon, you will be in my grasp, boy.
With the exception of very well done colloquial narrative, I should never read "you" within the expository text.
Instead of saying "We know the shadow elements..." try just saying "The Shadow elements..." I would keep that first paragraph in pure 3rd person and avoid having his thoughts in dialogue form. Just tell us "The shadow elements were gone so why did he fear them?" (use your words).
Avoid time referencse like "long time". Generic time references are okay if the actual amount of time is not important, but go for a less common phrase like "generations ago" or "in his father's reign"
posted
thanks for the tip. I really like the Idea of "generations ago", so maybe I will use It... hmmm... the whole swithing from third to first person is pretty obvious when you read through a second time... geeze, is it THAT obvious? ah, dipped strawberries.
Posts: 240 | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Dispite my confusion, I am intrested in finding out where this one is going.
I don't really care much if you change perspectives but in all the books i have read they usually put in the ~ so that you know. But like all thinks its not worth doing if it can't be done right.
Aside from that the only thing that I did not like was the "dragon skin" or whatever insult. Insults that I can't relate to are irritating, but maybe thats just me.
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