posted
2850 words, SF. I would like comments on the 1st 13 or on the whole story; it's due in OSC's class on Tuesday. Thanks! (Note on the punctuation discussion below: OSC doesn't judge on mechanics, in class, although of course I want to get everything right.)
(Edit: this is also posted on my "Sub Club" on LH.)
-- Diane opened the door to her townhouse, and showed her neighbor in. It was just Bill: ever-hopeful Bill, and she hated to encourage him because there was just no chemistry, but she was still bubbling over, wanting to show everyone her new pet. Her alien pet.
"I have all the manuals," she said, "and I have a translation module for when its language ability kicks in, and I have dietary supplements, since it's adapted to a different ecosystem---"
"Where is it?" Bill said. He took off his boots: a requirement, in her house.
She led him into the living room, opened the carrying cage, and picked it up, very gently.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited November 06, 2005).]
posted
I'm teetering on whether we want more pet description earlier or not. I'm not sure.
I think if you are turning this in as a class assignment you might want to put a semi colon before the last sentence of the first paragraph, ...her new pet; her alien pet.
If you've cleaned this up since its posting at LH, send it on over and I'll give a once over Sunday. I'll probably do a lot more punctuation examination though.
EDIT: had to add this -
"If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don’t have the nerve to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. But do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites, standing for absolutely nothing. All they do is show you’ve been to college." - Kurt Vonnegut
[This message has been edited by pantros (edited November 05, 2005).]
posted
In order to use a semicolon in that sentence, the final clause must be independent; it's not. What you suggest would be just converting a sentence fragment to a comma splice.
posted
What would be correct in that spot? Is it okay to leave a fragment like that? would that be an appropriate spot for a dash? Posts: 370 | Registered: Feb 2006
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quote: Diane opened the door to her townhouse, and showed her neighbor in.
This line does not make it clear whether they are both outside coming in or whether she opened the door to Bill. The word 'townhouse' seem a little out of POV unless she is outside. So I am inclined to think these two people arrive together.
quote: It was just Bill: ever-hopeful Bill, and she hated to encourage him because there was just no chemistry, but she was still bubbling over, wanting to show everyone her new pet. Her alien pet.
Regardless of the pictuation/mechanics, (which I am unclear on) I enjoy this little paragraph. It gives a great image of someone excited about their new 'toy'.
quote: "I have all the manuals," she said, "and I have a translation module for when its language ability kicks in, and I have dietary supplements, since it's adapted to a different ecosystem---"
Ditto my comment above.
quote: "Where is it?" Bill said. He took off his boots: a requirement, in her house.
I was not sure if she had to take off her shoes too. It does however, show that he is a regular here.
I would read on, and mostly because I want to 'see' the alien pet. I like the voice used in this piece. If you want readers you can send it my way.
Edit: As to the opening line ambiguity to which I referred, you could clear it up, if inclined, very easily. For instance, if they are both outside arriving together, you could say, 'Diane unlocked the door to her townhouse'
or if she is responding to a knock at the door you could do something like:
Diane opened the door; it was just her neighbour Bill, ever-hopeful Bill. She showed him in but hated to encourage him...
Far from an ideal reworking, so grain'o'salt it if you want.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 06, 2005).]
posted
I'd like to read the whole thing, but since it's due tomorrow I really don't know if I could turn it around that fast. If you still need a full crit send it to the address attached to this profile.
My comments on the opening: for some reason it made me think of Gizmo, you know the furry pre-gremlin. Maybe the language ability thing, i don't know. I'd like a stronger first sentence. Overall your writing is clean and I was hooked.
posted
This is great. I posted on your blog, but I'll say it again. Congratulations! I'm just glad that I had a chance to critique it, and hope that my crit did more good than harm. In either case, it is pretty much a moot point, since you sold it to OSC. I can't wait to see this in IGMS. You know, the only thing that I think would make me happier was if I sold one of MY stories. This is a great online community, made so by its people and its purpose. It is a joy to revel in the accomplishments of the fellow writers that you meet here. Write on Will!
Posts: 57 | Registered: Oct 2005
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