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Author Topic: The Final Trial
pantros
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Things looked slow, probably due to the holiday in the US. So, heres some fuel for critiques. If anyone really really wants to read it (and hasn't) I'll send it.

The Final Trial
By William Ogden

"How in Hades did you miss?" Liadan yelled at Pheziana.
"He ducked."
"He was asleep until your shot’s slamming into the tree trunk woke him up."
"I'll get him." Pheziana started cranking the string back on her crossbow.
"Like we have time for that." Liadan drew a dagger and hopped down from the tree. She hit the ground running, chasing after the job.
If they'd pulled off the job cleanly, it would have been her last job as a journeyman. Why had Jullivl insisted she take Pheziana along?


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Calligrapher
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I'm drawn into the story and can visualize the action. I have one comment about these two sentences:

"Liadan drew a dagger and hopped down from the tree. She hit the ground running, chasing after the job. If they'd pulled off the job cleanly, it would have been her last job as a journeyman."

The use of the word "job" three times in a row drew me out of the story and I started thinking about the syntax. I got the point that the act of killing and the target was just an impersonal "job." But I think the same could be accomplished by eliminating the second "job" and slightly re-wording the sentence. Then I wouldn't be re-reading that sentence.


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hoptoad
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I agree with the job, job, job comment. I'd also assume that the characters don't know why they have been assigned to kill this man, otherwise you may give us a clue too.

It feels like the story starts a minute too late.

Even if we had something like:

quote:

The crossbow bolt slammed into the tree, startling the traitor awake instead of killing him. Liadan stared in disbelief.

'How in Hades did you miss?'


Clunky I know.

I can't help but wonder why Liadan takes the time to yell and holler and argue when her target is escaping. The dialogue could almost be replaced with internal dialogue as she runs. Unspoken responses to Pheziana's yelling. It also allows you to do something like have Liadan cringing at Pheziana's inexperience in giving away their position. Maybe that's too much for the first 13?

Using the word 'Hades' puts this story squarely into an alternate Earth setting, one where familiarity with Greek mythology allows it to work its way into everyday conversation.


As an aside:

I have never seen someone sleeping against a tree and I work in a Botanical Gardens. I have tried to do it myself, but it's usually very uncomfortable. People usually rather lie on the grass an stretch out.

The only reason I can think of why someone might do this is if they were wanting to rest but remain vigilant/alert. That may fit with this story, I don't know, in this instance maybe the quarry knew he was a target.

Edit for spelling, grammar.

[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited November 23, 2005).]


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wbriggs
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It wasn't until reading the critiques that I found out they were shooting at a human being, not an animal. I still don't really feel I understand what's happening, or rather, why.
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sojoyful
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This sentence was awkward for me: "He was asleep until your shot’s slamming into the tree trunk woke him up."

One reason is that you make the action belong to the shot - "your shot's slamming". At first I thought you meant to say 'shots' and threw an apostrophe in there incorrectly. Then I realized what the grammar was actually saying. But when the voice in my head read it out loud, it sounded wrong. Why couldn't you say, "He was asleep until your shot slammed into the tree trunk and woke him up." That would be much clearer.

The other reason is that if you say he was asleep until something happened, you don't need to say that it woke him up. That's redundant. So, "He was asleep until your shot slammed into the tree trunk right above his head." I added right 'above his head' part to qualify why the heck that action would result in him no longer being asleep.

The other part that I had trouble with was, "She hit the ground running, chasing after the job." Three problems. 1 big, 1 medium, 1 small.

Big: You are using the word 'job' in two conflicting senses. In this sentence, the 'job' is the actual mark or target to be killed. In the next sentence, the 'job' is her assignment to kill him, or the act of killing him.

Medium: Having the two 'ing' words right next to each other is awkward. In my head it makes it sound like an 'either/or' statement: she was either running or chasing. Can you rephrase to avoid putting two 'ing' words together like that?

Small: Wouldn't she be a journeywoman?

Although I liked the dialog, I had a hard time visualizing the characters until four lines in because I didn't even know what gender they were!

I agree, I think you started at least one line late. hopatoad's suggestion (or something along those lines) is a good improvement.

To be honest, I had a hard time figuring out whose POV we are in. You show actions for both L and P, so when you got to the last paragraph, I wasn't sure which was you were calling 'her'. There was a chance we were in P's POV, in which case I would accuse you of violating that by referring to her in the third person in that paragraph. I'm pretty sure that's not the case. But, as our lovely American justice system shows, if there's reasonable doubt, that's enough to decide a case.

Whew. Now that I've said all that, I'll also say that I would love to read your story. Now is a very good time for me, since my graduate school professors have been merciful in giving a light load of work over the holiday. My email's in my profile. Stick Hatrack in the subject, and let me know in your email exactly what you'd like from me.

PS - I just realized I offered to read before knowing how long is it, since you didn't state that. So....how long is it?

[This message has been edited by sojoyful (edited November 23, 2005).]


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pantros
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1050 words or so. I sent it. Thanks for noticing the Gender whos/who issue. That's one i would never have caught myself.

Thanks to everyone who has responded so far. I'm sure I have gotten something useful from each of you.


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Monolith
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I agree to a point about starting the story a few seconds too late. But the action tends to pull me in.

I have to agree with using 'job' so closely together. Why not use the term 'mark' or 'target' instead of job the first time you use it?

I agree with using the term 'job' as an assignment though.

I do like the way you write pantros, pretty straight-forward and nice characters.

I'll take a look at it if you can wait till Sunday or so.

-Monolith-

PS: One other thing just came to mind. Why are they chasing this guy? What has the quarry done to their employer that the employer wants him dead.


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Spaceman
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It may be something with just me, but I really don't like many beginnings that start with dialog. I think you need to start with the arrow slamming into the tree, then go into the dialog.
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Omakase
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Most of what I saw in the first 13 that could be improved have already been commented upon, but the one other thing that stuck out for me is the description of "Pheziana started cranking the string back on her crossbow." String makes me visualize a thin little line.. maybe cord or cable works better.
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sojoyful
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Hey pantros, I just emailed you my critique. Let me know if you didn't get it.
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AbbeyRoadWriter
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heheh...Journeywoman...don't know if PC has a place in what i think is a Fantasy piece (crossbows, reference to Hades, bizarrely spelled names) but thanks SoJoy for keeping us honest.

first off, i love the use of 'job' as pronoun for their target. subtle and original establishment of an unfamiliar (ie: perhaps not our own) world. for me this was the single most effective part of your narration. keep your tags subtle, especially when you're establishing a whole other world. also, only use it in that context from now on. it hightlights the nice twist on the language. the "job, job, job" comment earlier is spot on.

here's the biggest problem: you've got baaaad Soap Opera Dialogue syndrome. think about what your dialogue says. if you're giving them words that speak more to the reader than each other, you'll have awkward dialogue. "He was asleep until your shot’s slamming into the tree trunk woke him up."
is the worst culprit. this simply would not be said. removing the 's would help (implying possession of an action this way, especially by an object, doesn't fly) but it's still pretty bad. let the story tell the story. don't turn your characters into narrators. at least not to each other.

i definitely agree with starting the scene with action not dialogue. that way you won't feel so compelled to paint an entire picture in what your characters say to one another.

if you're still looking for more complete critiques, i'd love to read the rest and give you what i can. my emails in my profile.

Andrew


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Spaceman
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quote:
i definitely agree with starting the scene with action not dialogue.

Note: I didn't say to start with action, I said I thought starting with dialog didn't work. I leave it up to pantros to interpret that.


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