posted
This is fantasy at approx. 6,500wds. It needs all kinds of work so I'll take whatever comments I can get. Just the first thirteen or the whole thing. I'm also going to post it on my LH forum later today.
Thanks guys!
--------------------------------------- On the turn of Eli’s sixteenth summer, they branded him for use in the mines, and shoved him on a caravan headed north. His feet carried him towards Arena, just below the icy peaks of Sorrow’s Shroud, deep into the bowels of the mountain. There were tales from that region that chilled the blood, and weakened the knees. Eli heard them as he grew, prattled about by the kitchen folk. The sounds of weeping children on the wind. Slaves stolen in the night, only blood left behind. Shadows that would drain you of your very soul.
His heart pounded against his ribs, harder and harder with each step, but he would not show fear. If he was an animal, at least he would be a strong one.
posted
The timeframe is not clear. It makes me wonder where this story really starts. I'll read the whole thing. Email it to me since I can't see your LH board.
Posts: 370 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Reading this, a couple of thing popped out at me. First, who branded him? Was it the city council, his parents or the king’s guards?
Second, the MC is put on a caravan. Reading in to that, I get that he was put on a wagon in a caravan. A simple change of “on” to “in” would clear it up to me.
Lastly, it seems to me that there is a style change between the first and second paragraph. The first comes across as distant, with the second being more personal.
posted
A couple of nits: "shoved him [in] a caravan" "Eli [had] heard them" "Slaves stolen in the night, [with] only blood left behind" Something bothers me with the three last sentences of the first parapgraph. I'd guess it's a rhythm problem: all those sentences have a trinary rhythm, and the whole gives a weird staccato feeling to the sentences. I agree I would like to know who "they" are: from having read the first version, we'll never know who you mean. Tell us now, or it's gonna look like you're withholding information for nothing Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
This beginning does not grab me. It doesn't sound like you have a polished draft yet, but if you want general comments on the whole thing--send it to wolf_dude64@yahoo.com
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posted
With the exception of "His feet carried him," I liked it. And there are not may fragments that I like.
Posts: 24 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
The first paragraph seems like 2 paragraphs to me. First you talk about Eli and what has happened to him. Then you switch over to what Eli had heard about the place he was going to. cya, Sam
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On the turn of Eli’s sixteenth summer, his master branded him for use in the mines, and shoved him in a caravan headed north. His feet carried him towards Arena, just below the icy peaks of Sorrow’s Shroud, deep into the bowels of the mountain.
There were tales from that region that chilled the blood, and weakened the knees. Eli had heard them as he grew, prattled about by the kitchen folk. The sounds of weeping children on the wind. Slaves stolen in the night, with only blood left behind. Shadows that would drain you of your very soul.
His heart pounded against his ribs, harder and harder with each step, but he would not show fear. If he was an animal, at least he would be a strong one.
I still need to work on the rythem of the last three lines of paragraph one.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited December 01, 2005).]
posted
Well, my main comment was not taken up Seriously, reading this does bring one question to mind: why does his master brand him? Is it usual, or because he is disobedient (I'm trying to pretend I never read the rest on LH)? Add to the last 3 sentences of paragraph all of the sentences if paragraph 2, which also have a trinary rhythm. I should have mentioned it earlier, but I didn't realise it until I read the whole thing aloud.
Posts: 1075 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
Thing is, we aren't in the moment. We have a summary description (master branded him and sent him to the mines), then a discussion of scary stories. Then how MC feels about it.
I suggest you identify a specific time and place to start the story. Put us there. Let us know where MC is; who's with him; what's happening in that very moment.
Now, you get a paragraph for background, which is fine; but after that, I'd want to pick a moment, and let the reader experience it.
posted
Personally I don't see anything wrong with it for an opening. It caught my attentiong. I'd actually like to read the rest. Send it over to metal_matt30@hotmail.com and I'll get back to you on what I think of the whole thing.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
"On the turn of Eli’s sixteenth summer, his master branded him for use in the mines, and shoved him in a caravan headed north."
I'm not strong in grammar, but I don't think you need the last comma in that line. The last phrase lacks a subject (who shoved him), so it is a dependant clause.
Sixteenth summer is rather vague, though I've seen many stories use this method for counting time. In this case, it seems awkward because it refers to a specific, quick, event. This means I don't know if it was at the beginning of the summer, the middle or the end. It probably works, but I thought I'd mentioned it.
It feels like your first two paragraphs lack a character. I'd rather see inside his head a little and get to know him before I have the details of where he is headed. It might also help to have a specific setting, such as the actual branding, to look through his eyes upon. This is sort of a general, vague setting covering the whole trip, it seems. It's harder to see through his eyes if we don't have something specific to see. I think you could start with a form of the last paragraph (line) and then move into the description. Then we can see those events though someone who is strong, who won't let them see his fear, despite his youth.
posted
Now take this with a grain of salt, as I am a novice at this. What seems off to me about this passage, is mainly just that your trying to build up to something,and make the reader feel some anticipation, and there is nothing there for me to care about yet. I think you need to get me interested first.
Another thing you might consider is getting a little deeper into his thoughts sooner, and leaving out some of the details that are almost irrelevant so early in the story. I think of how the scene would be for me, how it would feel to actually be Eli, placed in that situation, with the knowledge that he has at that time. So it would go something like this: Eli looked down at his feet, there shackles of iron occasionally clashing together causing his sores to reopen and bleed. He stepped on a sharper than normal rock with his already bleeding feet and stifled a cry of pain, knowing it would bring no sympathy, a lesson he had learned with difficulty. His eyes teared up, but not from the pain, but from sweat and grit which constantly got in them. He brought a hand up to his face, attempting to wipe the sweat and dirt away from his eyes. When he had cleared them enough to see he looked up and to the horizon. Far in the distance, but steadily getting closer, a mountain range thrust upward from the desert floor. Icy peaks stood out here and there along the range. He knew the name of those peaks well, Sorrow's Shroud. It's name was known far and wide, tales that haunted and chilled the blood...
Anyway maybe that will help better than trying to tell you. My main point I guess is just let us into the character a bit, let us feel how it would be to be in his shoes,(that means imagining being there yourself) and then once that's done, at least for me, I can more easily accept the other peices of information about his world, because then that information helps me to understand him better, and it's him that I care about enough to read, the information and exposition is only appropriate as it concerns your characters.
I hope I wasn't to presumptious rewriting it a bit, my intentions were not to offend, but to show how it 'feels' to write in character.
posted
Story-wise, I feel that you got me interested sufficiently to read the rest. I remember this from LH as "this looks promising, I'll read on". I have to disagree with the rewrite of Eclectic Skeptic. It's even worse when you mention the caravan and the slavery casually. Means the MC is too dulled to care, or that it's a society in which this is common. Either way, not good. My imagination is running already on that one sentence (but it has been proved it has a marked tendency to run anyway).
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