Traveler had never been this way before therefore none of the landmarks were familiar. He was alone, tired and so very cold. Even thinking about it made him shiver as he sat down by the side of the road. “How did I get so cold,” he asked himself? Recalling the warmth he once knew only intensified the chill in his bones. The warmth was a fading memory while the cold was a numbing reality. As he sat in the dark, Traveler tried to massage some life back into his aching arms. How could he press on while carrying such a load? One thing he was sure of was that he couldn’t dare let himself fall asleep. There were too many fears lurking in the shadows. “No, it’s better to stay awake and fight them off,” he reasoned. “I’ll just press on when the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 14, 2005).]
posted
Could be good. For me, it should more or less go in reverse order. The hook for me is that the sun might not come up. It should go first, I think -- it overshadows everything else, and it makes me want to know why!
[Traveler] wasn’t convinced that the sun would come up again. [This was because ...]
If you keep the rest of the text, you could let us know before the discussion of the cold that he's sitting and that he's wearing a pack; that it's dark; and that it's reasonable to fear monsters here. I had pictured him walking, unencumbered, in the light; and since I didn't know the world, I didn't know he had reason to be afraid. Just tell us early on.
quote: How could he press on while carrying such a load?
Also, the hint that something is lurking in the shadows is intriguing. Those are the things that would make me want to read on. I think the descriptions of him being cold could come afterwards. Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
I think this suffers from being to vague in hopes of making us curious so the writer can satisfy us later by revealing the secrets.
Tell us up front why he is cold now and why he used to be warm. If he is remembering a time when he was warm, unless the memory is just of feeling warm with absolutly no reason, time, place, event, then you need to tell us what his actual memory is.
posted
I agree with the others who were quicker to the draw than I - I'm not hooked, too many pieces of info being withheld. I need to know why he's cold 3 lines before he asks himself -- and he doesn't know himself? Well, why are we discussing it? Is it really important? If not, it's just eating up wordspace to talk about the weather here ;-)
I really cannot tell what kind of story this is to be - you say it's allegory and the title is Traveler...ummm, so it's...nope, I still can't guess. Clues? Don't give them here - put them into the first 13 - and name the MC sooner. I see no reason for him to remain a "him." I've done that (on purpose) myself and am getting very, very sensitized thanks to this forum about when it is "necessary" and when it is just me-the-all-powerful-author trying to control you, Reader, forgetting whose purchases will make or break me obviously ;-)
posted
I going to agree with the earlier posts and say that you should focus on the sun not coming up. That is fairly intriguing, and the fact that he has lurkers in the dark around him had me hooked as well.
As for the cold, either just state that the coldness is there or save the detailed description for later and then you could divulge into his 'warm memories'.
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