posted
This is the lead-in for a series of stories with the same MC. I'm asking for readers for the entire piece, but will certainly appreciate any comments you have on the first 13 or so.
If you do decide to crit the entire thing, I ask that you just tell me what you think is going on in the story, rather than crit commas, etc. I'll get to those later. Also, please tell me what genre you think this is. And, yes, the POV is deliberate.
Thanks in advance!
A Case for Kenny Lee --------------------
I’m on my way to work, when I first see the kid. He’s standing at the side of the road, looking like he’d like to ask for a ride, but doesn’t quite dare. I downshift, putting the old engine in compression just for the pleasure of hearing her rumble, as I slow down and eventually stop next to him. I wait until the dust settles a bit before cranking down the window. No sense in getting too much dirt inside the old girl.
“OK sport, need a ride?”
The kid looks closely at me before getting in. He’s wary. He should be. But the old girl is clearly a cop car, and cops should be trusted.
“Yessir”
I slam it into 1st and we’re off to the races. Well, kinda.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 15, 2005).]
posted
This is a case where a colloquial narrator voice fits the story.
The word Huh! seemed out of place, like the wrong word.
My only problem is that I don't trust the narrator, so far he could be a pedophile on the prowl. I'd like something more concrete one way or the other by this point.
Is it a hook? It'll get me to flip a few pages so I can see if he's a good guy, but I would be unwilling to read on word for word based on my distrust until I confirmed that he was either a good guy or an average joe in extraordinary circumstances.
You might fix pantros's reservation by making some comment about how MC thinks about the issue of giving a strange kid a ride, its safety or lack thereof?
You might also adjust the first sentence to "I'm on the way to the precinct where I work," just to get that bit of info out earlier.
I shouldn't read -- I've read this one before, so of course I will know what's up!
posted
Well, I liked it. It sounds pretty good so far..I'm assuming more background of the character is cleared up as the story progresses?
Posts: 12 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I reckon she who must be obeyed might take a scalpal and slice the end off this first thirteen.
I remember this from the first time you put it up on F&F and remember the story very clearly--and what is happening. It is good to see that you are still working on it, because I enjoyed it once I understood what was going on.
If you want another crtique I'm happy to help.
Edit: I too have a pet peeve about getting a string of punctuation advice and no meat to the critique.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited December 15, 2005).]
posted
Thank you for your comments. I appreciate them.
quote:My only problem is that I don't trust the narrator, so far he could be a pedophile on the prowl. I'd like something more concrete one way or the other by this point.
Will you expand on your reaction to that? That is exactly what I was trying to achieve.
quote:I'm assuming more background of the character is cleared up as the story progresses?
Yes, I believe it is.
quote:I reckon she who must be obeyed might take a scalpal and slice the end off this first thirteen.
If I've done something wrong here, I certainly invite Kathleen to fix it or delete this thread. As this is only an intro and will be greatly expanded when it is published (always optomistic ), I don't believe I have jeopardized my rights by putting this much of the text out into the public domain.
quote:I too have a pet peeve about getting a string of punctuation advice and no meat to the critique.
I am aware that my punctuation is creative at times, but in this instance I want to address larger issues. I am always grateful for any comments people have. Sometimes I disregard them, but I always appreciate them.
Thanks. The intro is on its way to those who agreed to look at it.
[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited December 15, 2005).]
posted
Regarding the distrust that pantros expressed, that's actually what hooked me. I felt slightly unsure/uncomfortable about this guy throughout, and that's what would make me keep turning pages. You see, you gave just enough to keep me from forming my own definite opinion, without actually telling me. So I'm unsettled and want to know more. It's a creepy beginning.
I'd love to read it. I hope you don't mind waiting a while, though. I have house guests coming, and then I'm flying back to the nest for the holidays. I'll take it with me to read on the plane.
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