posted
I liked this introduction. The last sentence seems a bit foreboding--it says that it was time for things to change for the better but makes me think that that's not the way it's going to be, which makes me want to read more.
Clutching a handful of beautiful flowers brought from his hometown of Cyrn,
I think that the fact that the flowers come from the hometown isn't necessarily necessary--it kind of slows down the story a bit.
tigarly
Do you mean tigerlily? I'm not familar with a type of flower called tigarly
and it had always been Ethans favorite -- Hyldain's as well
I'm not sure exactly who Ethan is. You might want to either meantion who he is and how he connects to this flower or take out the part that meantions his name.
Lifting a short prayer to the gods, he looked out across the grassy hill
Was he looking out to the hill as he was saying the prayer?
turned his attention to the approaching men. He was quite surprised to see that they had finished early
It isn't clear what the men are doing that they finished early. You might want to put something in there that at least meantions what they are doing,
Overall, I liked it--I think it hooked the reader.
posted
=) Wow! That's written quite well! The opening really draws me in. I would read more if I had the chance. I'm unsure of what the two men are returning from, but that's a good thing, it just draws me further into the story. =)
[This message has been edited by x__sockeh__x (edited January 01, 2006).]
posted
I think you do a good job of setting up the scene in the graveyard--good details with the flowers. I would like to see more details having to do with the people though. Being in a graveyard does not hook me into the story, but maybe if I knew who Ethans and Hyldain are or were, or if he knows who the men are that are approaching, then he should name them, and tell me what they were doing. It seems a bit like you are withholding information to build the tension.
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posted
I'm guessing Ethans is who was recently buried, but that needs to made clearer. I agree with an earlier post that stated the description of the flowers slows down the story - maybe compress those two sentences into one.
How long is the story? I might be interested in reading it.
posted
Nit: "Hyldain wiped the dirt from the chiseled words and rose from the gravestone's shadow" -- this had me stuck for a moment on how words, being intagible, could be chiseled. Then I got to gravestone and figured it out. I initially had Hlydain pictured as lying on the tombstone, or the ground. That sentence could be rewritten to make it more obvious.
Not a nit: we're at the end of the 13 lines and we still don't know why he's delivering flowers, or what the two men had finished early, or what his relationship to them is. "C'mon, I was getting to that!" you might say (although of course you wouldn't, being polite and all) . . . but I think the time to get to it is as soon as the question arises. As in "he tossed a flower onto the grave---Anastasia's grave, his dear old aunt, killed by evil robot monkeys---" and "John and Dave walking toward him. They must have finished up at the evil robot monkey factory." Or whatever would really fit.
posted
I think you need to let the reader know about characters and/or ideas on the first introduction.
For instance: "saw two men walking toward him." If your POV character knows the two men approaching he would think of them as John and Mark, not two men. From the sentences that followed this initial introduction it sounds as though he knows them and what they were doing, but I didn't know as the reader--tell me this as soon as you introduce the men instead of leaving me hanging.
Example: "he looked out across the grassy hill and saw John and Mark walking toward him. He was quite surprised to see that his companions had finished their divinations early."
This tells me what Hyldain knows--who the men are and what they were doing--as soon as I meet them.
quote:...turned his attention to the approaching men. He was quite surprised to see that they had finished early...
quote:The visual I'm trying to give is him standing on a hill, two men walking toward him in the distance - but not terribly far. He doesn't necessarily know their exact identities. Though as it turns out, he knows one of the two men.
I think the way you have written this is fine. We don't need to know EVERYTHING in the first thirteen. As long as the next thing we see (relatively, of course) is some interaction with the one known man and his companion informing us of the MC's relation to them and their business. The fact that we don't know their business at this point is the hook for me.
I think you did a good job setting the scene, but a couple of small things bothered me. They have already been mentioned, but I'll toss my 2c in anyway.
First, the tigarly. I paid it a little attention and then moved on, mostly because I read SF/F and I expect to see odd words and phrases early on in the narrative. OSC mentions this in "How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy". The genre will gain you a little leeway, but unless you plan to use the tigarly again for some reason in the story, it is an unneeded (although minor) distraction. The imagery of the heather your MC drops gets the job done without additional comparison. As well, it is a vague way to establish difference or lend an exotic quality to the landscape. If the setting is different enough and necessary to your plot, you will undoubtedly have some more time devoted to establishing it in the narrative without throwing oddball references in. Of course, if the tigarly shows up again and has some import, ignore everything I just said
Second, the mention of Cyrn. Same thing as with the tigarly. If it plays a part later, fine, but if the MC goes on about his business for another 25000 words and never thinks about his home town or does anything important there, then we don't need to know about it. The reader will rightfully assume that there is a larger world beyond the graveyard.
Finally, I agree that the first sentence is awkward, but I really don't see a viable alternative. Your suggestion to change things around isn't too bad, but it still doesn't grab me. I just can't see a way to keep the "chiselled" words in there. Maybe you're just trying to convey too many images in one sentence? I've been trying to figure out how to rephrase it for a good 15 minutes and I'm leaning toward "Hyldain rose from the gravestone's shadow" now
Anyway, hopefully these comments have been helpful. This excerpt was well written and I'd read more.
[This message has been edited by TheBishop (edited January 02, 2006).]
quote:It's funny how a favorite image can be torn apart and disliked or not understood by others
Hehe well I actually like the imagery provided in your original sentence, I just can't think of a way to keep it intact with a less confusing structure. Maybe it would work as two separate sentences, but it might lose the impact.
posted
As a replacement for the first paragraph, this is much better. I like that we get to read the name on the gravestone. I liked how your MC rose from the "gravestone's shadow" in the first version, though. "Shadow" on its own seems so disconnected here (it could be a tree's shadow, or an evil robot space monkey's shadow), but I suppose if I hadn't read the first draft it wouldn't bother me so much. Would something like "He rose from the stone's shadow where he knelt and considered..." work? I don't know what happens in the rest of your story, but a gravestone's shadow just cries out to me as delicious symbolism.
I am assuming that you will include the semi-hook we saw before with the two approaching men that have completed their task early. I thought it worked, and this is only 8 lines in the rewrite when I paste it into the 13 line template!
Anyhoo... time for bed!
[This message has been edited by TheBishop (edited January 03, 2006).]
posted
ok, look. There is no such thing as a zombie robot. If a person is killed by an evil robot monkey, there's always the possibility that they'll get turned into a zombie. But they do *not* get turned into a robot first.
posted
I like it. My only thing is that it stutters a bit when you say a hand full of beautiful flowers.
I don't know what follows this but I think it seems important the flowers are mentioned. If not, I still think its a nice touch because you are eluding to the fact that he is far from home and these, somehow, remind him of home. By him dropping a heather into a stone base, it shows that this stone base must be pretty close to his heart for him to do such a thing with something he seems to hold so dear.
What I would do is experiment with other adjectives for the flowers. Beautiful seems to be too generic. You mentioned Heather, so it is obvious that you are not making up your own flora so I would say something like a hand full of wild flowers..., prismatic flowers...., prismatic wild flowers...., vibrant..., vivid... something with more pizzazz a little more punch, a word that expresses a little more endearment for the flowers from home, it should be just a word not a phrase.
Peace, Scott
[This message has been edited by Zodiaxe (edited January 03, 2006).]
posted
I like it. It's still a bit choppy, but nothing major. I think there's a few too many "the"s in the first sentence and the rewording in the second seems overly explanatory (if that makes any sense).
Try "...and scraped dirt away from the engraved words.", and "He rose from where he'd knelt in the stone's shadow...". For me, that would flow just right. Of course, you're the author, so feel free to send an armada of evil space monkey zombies or whatever after me.
Oh, and I didn't mention it before, but you need a possessive attached to stone ("stone's base"). Picky, I know, but the whole thing gets my seal of approval (for what that's worth) at that point.
Nicely done.
quote:I agree. I love my thesaurus.
I love mine, too. But that can be a problem. I've been accused of having adjectivitis (on these boards, but not on these boards alone). Be careful and make sure you don't throw the whole tone of your story off. Beautiful might just be the word you're looking for after all.
quote:I want to hold the reader captive here, not confuse him.
Absolutely right.
[This message has been edited by TheBishop (edited January 03, 2006).]
posted
Just so you know, apparently they are creating robot zombies these days. I'm not sure they're using the term "zombie" correctly, but I'll be watching this technology develop and see if I need to change my position on robot zombies or not.
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