posted
Hey,all!! This is my first post, but don't be too gentle- I've learned to develop a thick skin recently, which I believe is a prerequisite for any budding artist.
Will def look to give feedback also, but meanwhile I have just drafted the first chapter on an unfinished SF piece of undetermined length and am just looking for comments on how the first 13 grabs you, really. Does it hook you? Is it confusing? What impressions do you get of the MC? etc etc
Many thanks in advance for your comments.
Shuffle paced back and forth on the roof of the shuttle duct. He didn’t do standing still too well, hence the name. He booted an empty can off into the shadowy depths of Golmouth Street Station, listening to it clatter against the ducts below and wondering if he had the right U-bend after all. The time blinked 21:56 in the top left corner of his vid-shades. Of course he had the right U-bend, he thought. She was just late. He whistled a half-tune to keep himself company in the darkness. An inane little jingle that had snuck through his firewall this morning and been rattling around in his skull ever since. He hated it when that happened. Not the annoying addictiveness of the tune so much as the fact that someone had managed to put it there in the first place. Didn’t matter what armour you evolved
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posted
First, I have no idea what a shuttle duct” is. So, I start off confused. Then I don’t know what a U-bend is. You don’t have a good hook, I think, even if I did know what a shuttle duct was.
You have two paragraphs here and each one is on a different subject. It’s not working – for me, that is. Although I like your description of the wetware spamming of the tune, it isn’t really story at this point. And it doesn’t seem to be all that important to the story, just a nifty little bit of what we have to look forward to. I may be wrong. This may be crucial, but it doesn’t feel so and the waiting for “she” is more likely to be important. It feels as if you got off track of the story about this guy waiting for a woman/girl/girlfriend/accomplice -- see I don't yet know what their relationship is.
posted
I had a hard time getting past the first couple of sentences for the reasons arriki mentioned: I don't know what a "shuttle duct" or a "U-bend" are and there wasn't enough description in the action to help me visualize it.
However, once I got to the part about the song breaking through his firewall, I was intrigued and willing to read further. I think that's where your hook is, if you want to keep this opening.
Just my thoughts.
[edited to correct spelling of user's name.]
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posted
I'm bumping the "Just tell me" thread in Open Discussions -- relevant. (I think I would like this, if we got past the uncertainties.)
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Thanks for you comments guys. Just in case you care: a U-bend is a plumbing term- guess not everybodys Dad is a sanitary consultant. And a shuttle duct was my substitute for a futuristic train tunnel- which seems pointless now, and def confusing. Here's the rewrite which has hopefully eradicated any confusion, again any comments welcome:
Shuffle whistled a half-tune to keep himself company in the darkness. Some inane little jingle that had snuck through his firewall this morning and been rattling around in his skull ever since. He hated it when that happened. Not the annoying addictiveness of the tune so much as the fact that someone had managed to put it there in the first place. Didn’t matter what armour you evolved to protect your grey matter these days, he thought peevishly, some dirty spammer always came up with a new tooth or claw to open you up and get at it. He shivered. The deserted depths of Golmouth Street Station were cold and lonely. Flying rats and other winged things
posted
Err..a half-tune is just that, half a tune. A series of notes that doesn't quite qualify as a tune, but is not comeplety off-key. A tune whistled by someone who is only half tone deaf perhaps. I dunno. I think my ma used to say it when she was playing the piano. Guess I should drop that one too to save confusion.
As for def confusing, sorry that's an abbreviation for definitely, you can blame my girlfriend, she has a text message addiction and uses that all the time. Somehow subconsiously it snuck through into my writing emails.
Hope this clears things up.
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posted
O.K, sci-freak to the rescue! a schuttle duct is a fancy name for a spacedock! a U-bend, while it can be a plumbing tool, is also used as a turn that makes a U. a jingle... do I really have to explain? "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way" THAT is a jingle. geeze, aww, just take the two cents.
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posted
I liked the first installation better, though it needs some clarity. With some tweaking, I think I could enjoy reading it.
Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
Just saying "hence the name" isn't good enough, in my opinion. A short, interesting story about how he got the nickname would be better. And "standing still too well" would sound better as "standing still very well".
Shuffle paced back and forth on the roof of the shuttle duct. He didn’t do standing still too well, hence the name. He booted an empty can off into the shadowy depths of Golmouth Street Station, listening to it clatter against the ducts below and wondering if he had the right U-bend after all. The time blinked 21:56 in the top left corner of his vid-shades. Of course he had the right U-bend, he thought. She was just late. He whistled a half-tune to keep himself company in the darkness. An inane little jingle that had snuck through his firewall this morning and been rattling around in his skull ever since. He hated it when that happened. Not the annoying addictiveness of the tune so much as the fact that someone had managed to put it there in the first place. Didn’t matter what armour you evolved
posted
Basically the problem lies in using the whole first paragraph to tell us he's waiting for someone and she's late. Nothing else in that paragraph is so far important or that interesting. You don't tell us who he is, who she is, or why he is there.. i.e. why is he waiting for this woman?
Give us some information that is relevant to the scene first before you launch into the jingle business. In fact cut most of the first paragraph and tell us just why he is there.
If you want to put these two subjects together, though, here in those all-important first 13 line...you need some way to segue from one to the other. Don't just bump them up against each other.
posted
Guys, had a rethink and shuffled things about a bit to try and clarify the why, what, when, how? of my story, whilst trying to maintain a hook and avoid an info dump. Any comments welcome:
The time in the top left hand corner of Shuffle’s vid-shades blinked 21:56. Gina was late. He cursed quietly to himself in the deserted depths of Golmouth Street Station. She only ever called him when her berk of a boyfriend had been abusing her, or when she was really bored and couldn’t track anyone else down to annoy. He eyed the little black rucksack hanging off the back of his scooter with suspicion. Or when she needed a favour. How is it he had become her lap dog anyway? Perhaps it was because she was beautiful and popular and funny, he thought, and he was nothing but a little gutter runt.
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posted
Your second one is much better. The first version was, for me, way too busy and confusing.
Hopefully "berk" is just a typo of "jerk".
I would just keep the sentence a: "She only ever called him when she was really bored and couldn't track down anyone else to annoy, or when she needed a favour." The part about her boyfriend abusing her doesn't seem to fit.
posted
Your third opening is the best one so far, imo. You've given me something to latch onto in the way of characters instead of just setting a scene or throwing out technology. You've also let me know that something is going to happen between these two characters as well as a hint of what that something might be. I'd keep reading just to find out if I'm right (I'm probably not but that would be half the fun).
The most important question, though, is does this third opening resonate with you, the author? Do you feel it's improved?
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I think my ma used to say it when she was playing the piano. Guess I should drop that one too to save confusion.
