posted
I wrote a small piece just to practice POV. I think I'm having trouble with third person and levels of penetration. I'm looking for volunteers to read and critique the entire thing ONLY on POV. I'd simply like to know if the POV of this piece is appropriate or not. It's fiction, about 2000 words, and is about two people meeting for the first time in ten years. Here are the first 13:
Dwayne stopped just inside the entrance to the ballroom and adjusted his jacket while he looked around. He couldn’t remember the last time he had worn a tuxedo. He was much more comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. All the people here wore fancy get-ups, though. All the men were in tuxedos, and the women wore dresses that sparkled. In fact, the women seemed to be having a competition for who could sparkle the most. Dwayne didn’t know where to go. He wanted to wait for Leslie out of everybody’s way. His heart skipped a beat. He hadn’t seen Leslie in ten years, not since they graduated high school. He had thought about her often during that time. On a whim, he’d recently signed up for an online program that reunited people with others in their graduating class.
posted
How do you POV only? That said I would read it for you and give my opinion. Send it to me. Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I don't want to critique a long piece just for POV, but let me tell you, on your first 13, you nailed it. You immediately took us into his thoughts ("He couldn't remember..."), easing us in, and by the end of the paragraph, you had a thought (the women's seeming competition) and it was absolutely clearly Dwayne's.
You've firmly set deep penetration 3PL; don't break it and you're fine. Here's what I think you need for 3PL deep:
* An initial entry into the MC's thoughts. It can be "he thought," or it can be a thought in which it's obvious who thought it, as in
"It looks beautiful," Joe said, looking at the ring. And expensive. It would be two month's salary. Did she think he was made of money?
* Start making thoughts without the "he thought" tag.
* Avoid putting Joe's thoughts in the same paragraph as Mary's dialogue; it's a cue that it's Mary's thoughts, so it becomes confusing.
* ...and, of course, no actual POV violations, that is, showing things that aren't Joe's thoughts or perceptions.
It seems to me you're a natural at this. Or else you've already worked hard ot look like one!
posted
Thank you both. Johnmac, I'll send the whole thing to you. I'm just looking to see if I broke POV during the story. I'm not necessarily looking for critique on grammar, spelling, whether there's a hook or not. Posts: 97 | Registered: Aug 2005
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