The fragment is first-person, present-tense and is part of the frame for the remainder of the story. I've decided on this because the story ends with an epiphany. At the end, I want the reader to know the narrator has not had time to contemplate the ramifications of this information yet.

Thanks in advance for any comments.

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It’s 2:30 a.m. and Liz has been gone for nearly four hours. I pick up the phone. The quivering sound of the dial tone halts me. I’ve already left three voice mail messages. The third message was an apology for the second. I drop the phone and sit back down again to wait.

The house is silent except for the repetitive sound of rain drops ticking against the large, bay window that frames the view of our front driveway. Outside the night brightens as headlights reach across the neighboring houses. The car continues past without slowing. I settle back into my chair and replay my argument with Liz. I remember and revise what I said and guess how she might have responded, producing conversations that never happened. The rain grows heavier until I can’t see past the wet

Note from Kathleen: 13 lines of manuscript text (12-point courier font with 1-inch margins on 8.5x11-inch paper) please.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 08, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by jtcarroll (edited February 08, 2006).]

The voice seemed rather uninterested in the events it was describing. It's the middle of the night, Liz (wife, I assume) is 3 hours late and who knows where, and . . . is MC freaked, thinking she's lying in a ditch? Is he hurt, because she's out with another guy? I don't know.

I found some things confusing, easily fixed I think. Liz has been gone 4 hours, so I assume she lives with MC. But then who's he calling?

Did she leave him?

Mark Twain always said that the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug. I think you have a few lightning bugs in here. I'll list them (in my humble opinion, of course):

quivering (1st line)
sound (4th line)
ticking (id)
continues (5th line)
revise (6th line)
producing (7th line)

I like the piece, and would like to read more, but I think it would benefit from some Hemingwayesque tightening--less words are better, etc.

Here were some phrases I noticed that could be replaced with single words:

-"quivering sound" (1st line, could be replaced with any single descriptive noun)
-"sit back down again" (2nd line, could be replaced with a single verb)
-"repetitive sound of raindrops ticking" (4th line, could be replaced with a single descriptive gerund)
-"continues . . . without slowing" (5-6th lines, could be replaced with a single verb)

Good. I wanted to convey a mood of repressed emotion and detachment.

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I like the piece, and would like to read more, but I think it would benefit from some Hemingwayesque tightening--less words are better, etc.
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Thanks for the comments. One of the problems with first-person, present is that short sentences, with unmodified subjects and predicates, come off sounding noir-ish, so it took a few revisions to get to this version. Your suggestion were objective and helpful. Thanks.

[This message has been edited by jtcarroll (edited February 08, 2006).]

I agree wbriggs...the first person is rather distracting. But its not a big deal.