posted
I've revised this a few times, and most of my past troubles with it have been starting, so if I can get some feedback on these lines, I'd be grateful. Thanks in advance for the help.
Steven was unaware that even now, he was being watched by the snakehead. The only worry he had was raising his ten-year-old nephew Danny, a guardianship Steven felt that he was failing in.
“Danny, your bus'll be here in three minutes!”
“Is my lunch ready?”
“Oh, s--,” Steven said, then realized what he just did. “Ignore that word.”
“I know what swears are,” said Danny, rolling his eyes.
“Well, you shouldn't say that kind of stuff.”
“I didn't say it. You did.”
Steven grumbled, but left the topic alone. He hurried to make Danny a peanut butter sandwich, toss it in a bag
posted
I got whiplash between the first and second sentences. They were like they were out of two different stories. Snakehead watching then raising a nephew don't even seem related.
Now, obviously they are related, but I had to go back and see if I misread the first sentence. It stopped the flow. Maybe make the first sentence a separate paragraph, maybe in italics.
That's the only problem I had. The rest is smooth and well-written, albeit kind of boring. Gotta know more about that snakehead thing upfront, I think.
I agree with marva. There are several lines devoted to what... swear words?! Several lines out of the valuable 13 lines; in fact it seems the major topic so far in the story. Forget that stuff and give us information on snakehead, move it forward - as it is it just stalls for a timeout on swearing.
posted
Also, there's a POV confusion from the fact that Steven is "unaware" of Snakehead's surveillance and then jumping right into what seems like Steven's POV. Omnisicent viewpoints have to be handled carefully to avoid confusion.
From the sound of it, you've got the beginnings of what could be a creepy story here. IMO, these tend to work best with a tight, limited viewpoint. Pick a character and tell the whole thing strictly from that character's viewpoint. Don't tell us anything that character doesn't physically sense, think or feel.
Done right, I think you can scare the pants off people with this one.
posted
Funny thing is. this is still confusing BUT you do have me curious and wanting to read more! I get that the swearing thing is integral to the story? If not delete it - if so we need to know more about snakehead and the tie in - then we will care what happens.
Also, I think your first sentence is confusing and incorrect. Read it carefully, as written it seems to tell us that Steven was getting his nephew ready for school from inside the fireplace (while snakehead was watching). The problem can be solved by something like this:
From inside the fireplace the snakehead watched Steve get his nephew ready for school...) It's also shorter and gives the same information.
Keep at it! You have me curious and I want to read more.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 22, 2006).]
posted
The dialogue between the two people doesn't bother me. It helps establish character and rings true as something people do. I'd leave it alone.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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posted
Perhaps, if you don't want Steven to know that the snakehead was watching him you could put the first line in a paragraph to itself and possibly italicize it. Or to set it off even more, you could put it on a separate page. (that would clear up the POV problem pointed out earlier). And leave out the part where Steven was unaware--maybe just say that the snakehead was watching in secret or something like that. I personally liked the first version (if the transition between the first and second sentences could be smoother) I think the fact that Steven isn't aware of the snakehead makes it even more suspenseful.
I liked the dialog, I think it was a cute interaction between the characters. Perhaps, have the characters do more than just talk. Maybe Steven picks up his shoes or Danny runs into the room and slams door. or sits down on the couch and turns the tv on. I'm hooked by the character interactions and the dialog, but something else better happen soon besides the kid going to school or else the reader will lose interest. It's a great start.
posted
Are you aware there is a fish called a snakehead? Nasty looking critter and the subject of a very bad made-for SciFi Channel movie. Is that the snakehead watching the boys? That's the image I have when you say the boys are being watched by a snakehead. Deliberate?
Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
What nitewriter said. The hook is the snakehead thing, and we don't even know what it is, or who's perceiving it. Tell us!
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
To take some of the comments a little bit further, perhaps you ought to seperate the POVs more distinctly and elaborate on the two. If the snakehead is a mystery, perhaps you could start with an italicized section from the snakeheads POV which is longer than just a sentence--you could say what he is doing, where he is, and what he is watching. Then, you have a break and start into this seemingly innocent story from the other POV. But from the start, the reader knows it is not an innocent story because of that little introduction-type thing.
This would get in the creepy aspect that krazykiter was talking about, while keeping the rest of the story the same. And the POV wouldn't be so confusing IMO. It would also give more of a hook by elaborating on the snakehead.
[This message has been edited by ethersong (edited February 23, 2006).]
posted
Am I the only one to have a problem with the fact that this creature is specified as a snakeHEAD?? Doesn't it have a body? Or is it a disembodied head only, hanging around in a jar of formaldehyde?
IF it's a snake, CALL it a snake. If it's a head only, you need to put more attention into describing how it could possibly be watching people. If it's something else, entirely, you need to paint THAT picture.
I'm not hooked. You have one interesting line, and that's the info about the snakehead. Sadly, you lose your momentum with everything that follows. The rest of it leaves me bored.
posted
Hmmm, the snakeHEAD thing never bothered me - (as dckafka has already pointed out, the snakehead is a fish, and a voracious predator at that.) There is also a snakehead turtle and a snakehead moth as well. So is it really that much of a stretch then to assume the snakehead in the story is some kind of creature? After all, we are told it was watching two people. I agree the snakehead IS the point of interest and deserves more attention in the opening - so we more clearly understand just what it is.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 23, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited February 23, 2006).]
posted
I had no idea there was a fish called a snakehead. And I thought I was being original with the name. <sigh>
As for the snakeHEAD bit, it really is a snake head watching through the fireplace. Later, when it attacks, it becomes an entirely new monster, (kind of like a caterpillar turns to butterfly, but scarier.) "Snakehead" is the monster's nomenclature, but I'll have to clear up the visuals.
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