posted
I just jotted some of this down earlier today when I had nothing else to do. It's sci-fi, and I'd like comments on this opening.
Robin should have called in sick today. She'd woke up with a headache, and the Tylenol wasn't helping, but she decided not to bother. Being a receptionist at the Green Crab Hotel, she had to put up with people who were bigger headaches than what she was having, so she clocked in and sat down at her desk. A minute later, the maid Judy came to her frantically.
“The toilet just ate the janitor!” she screamed.
Yeah, Robin definitely should've called in sick. “Come again?” Robin said.
“The toilet,” Judy panted. “A tongue came out of it, wrapped around the janitor's neck, and swallowed him. I ran out to find someone.”
Well this is so outrageous you certainly have my attention! I can't get over - green crab hotel. That is such a great visual image, green crab. Ya I would be interested in seeing where this story goes.
posted
I think this is an interesting idea and a good hook. It's kinda scary--when I was a child I seriously had this re-occuring nightmare that the toilet was trying to eat me...Maybe it was a remnant from the one and only time my dad left the seat up at night . . . But I think that this first thirteen is good. I think the headache in the being adds to the feel of "It's going to one of those days".
I liked the first two lines of dialog, but I think the second one is a little weak.
quote:Unless her headache or her taking Tylenol has something to do with the story, cut it.
...Why?? I think that's fine. It sets Robin's mood and adds comedic effect later.
My only comment is that I think you should jump into Robin's head in the first sentence and in the "Yeah, Robin definitely should've called in sick" comment. It's her opinion, why shouldn't she think it directly? Reading the first sentence, third person suggested to me that there was a narrator observing Robin, which later doesn't seem to be the case, except in the "Yeah" line.
Overall, good opening, very imaginitive. Nice hook.
posted
The something coming out of the toilet and dragging a person in -- I remember seeing that in some movie about a cruise ship that had gotten a load of some sea beast in its hold. The creature was feasting on the passengers. The story started with some group come to rob(?) the ship and finds the ship deserted.
posted
Who is your intended audience? If this is a story for kids or teens I think it might work fairly well. If you're trying to target adults I think you need to rework it a bit. The pacing is incredibly fast, the tone is a little over-the-top, the title is a bit silly... That all might work for a kid's story, but not for an adult's story, I think. (I don't think there is anything wrong with writing for children. I just think you need to clarify if you are.)
Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I'm one of those no-nonsense American readers who see writerly indulgences as silly wastes of my damn time. Its not funny, it doesn't add to the story, cut it.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited February 27, 2006).]
posted
Personally, the line of dialogue "Come again?" sounds unnatural. Nobody ever says that. Unless you are going to establish a quaint sort of dialogue throughout the story, I'd suggest changing it to something more natural sounding. Maybe she could laugh it off at first, or something.
posted
I think you've got something. The headache/Tylenol works for me. I agree with Jessica an the "one of those days" part.
The toilet eating the janitor is a good hook.
The only minor issue I have, is with the maid's finishing remark "I ran out to find someone" seems odd. It doesn't seem to instill the urgency she had earlier. Is a receptionist or 'someone' else more able to handle the situation? I would think she'd run out to get away from it, unless this sort of thing is 'commonplace.'
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