posted
Fantasy. c.9,400 words. Looking for readers.
===
The wind slid off Kun Cheng Mountain, sharp and cold as a knife to the heart.
Bai Wong, muffled in furs, stood outside the door of the Pillow World. He felt inside his coat, for the money-pouch. It did not feel so heavy, somehow, as it had back at Chan Cheng Mine. He wondered if he had enough money, or if they would laugh at him, and turn him out onto the bitter streets. There were other places in Tsongda that would be glad to take his money; wineshops and noodle-houses. Perhaps, even, somewhere behind an unmarked door, there might be a woman who would take his coin, and offer him certain kindnesses in return. But he had been told of men who had knocked on such doors...
The hook doesn't quite work. Too many hiccups - for example, pillow world makes me think of a store in a strip mall ("Come to Pillow World, where the discounts on Temperpedic Bioform Pillows are INSANE!"). Too much time enumerating the places the MC might go to spend his money, I feel like you're trying to build background, but it bogs your opening down.
Why "...as a knife to the heart"? Cold and sharp as a knife is a cliche. Knife to the heart strikes me as overlaying one cliche with another.
Do like the far east fantasy (I'd guess) setting.
[This message has been edited by dckafka (edited February 28, 2006).]
posted
I've read this once, haven't I? I'll delighted to read the new version (and by now I have forgotten what I said about the old one, so I might even make a good first reader).
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posted
The first line could easily be added 'into' the main paragraph I think. Apart from that nitpick...I'm hooked by the unusual setting (Tibet or Nepal?) so if you can be patient I will read it by the weekend? Best Wishes John Mc...
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