Pete Samson held his head between his hands, trying desperately to relieve the pain throbbing in tempo with his pounding heart. The pain increased in kind with each passing beat, and there seemed little he could do to stop it. Blood flowed from the deep gash in his forehead, dripping in a steady stream onto his now wrinkled black suit and blood stained shirt that was once white, spreading nice swirls and patterns onto the bus-stop bench. About to lose his job, his wife, and now slamming his SUV against a telephone pole, he was convinced he had no luck--none whatsoever.

"Hey buddy, here ya' go," a slurred voice said behind him. "You need it more'n me." Pete glanced over his shoulder, seeing two well-dressed men in dark, neatly-pressed suits. The smell of alcohol on their breath...

[Edited] I edited the first paragraph slightly before anyone commented to include the 'bus-stop bench part. If you commented on this before the change I appologize.

[This message has been edited by luapc (edited May 08, 2006).]

The general idea of the story revolves around a guy down on his luck who gets a penny from one of these guys that turns out to be magical and grants him wishes. The two guys here don't know its magical, they were just the way I used for the penny to get into the MC's posession. The pennies double every time a wish is granted, so there is a single one at first, then two, four, eight, and so on. The story revolves around the consequences of this. This is not secret and is revealed in the first four paragraphs of the story, but its just not soon enough.

Showing all of this in the first couple of paragraphs, not to mention the first 13, is challenging. I know, you can't show everything, but what of this description of things do you think needs to be included to make this work and be engaging for the opening?

Thanks for any future advice.

And thanks Weatherby for the offer.

And if the pennies double every day, in 64 wishes, this poor man will have more then 50,835,136,605,443 tones of copper sitting around, with a stack reaching several miles, equal to $1,844,674,407,370,955.16.

We start off with Pete Samson in a world of pain. Literally, his perceptual reality is defined by pain that obscures every other sense. He's not thinking about where he is, or what's just happened, he's just trying to push back the pain.

Then, without any preamble, the pain is totally gone from the narrative, and doesn't rate any mention whatsoever. Yes, we are getting information about why he was in pain, but the pain itself has vanished utterly.

From your description of the story, I think that the pain should continue to define everything that Pete percieves until he gets rid of it by fervently wishing his head would stop hurting so badly. Or you could just drop the whole "world of pain" angle, not everyone will like it. I think it's appropriate to the POV and could work for your story, but right now it doesn't help. You drop it too soon and then start hitting us with things that don't seem very plausible.

You can give us the hook up front: "The day Peter found the magic penny..." and then go on to what happened in that day, before the penny.

wbriggs' observation regarding order struck me as particularly insightful. I couldn't figure out why I didn't feel drawn into this hook, until I read his comment. I'd rather find out about the SUV straight off, as I first thought, "ooh, migraine, poor guy..." and then, "ah...no, ok, he was mugged..." etc.

There is no fantasy in this yet, which kept me from having a way to identify with it. That's not really a mark against it, but if I pick something up expecting fantasy and get wrecked SUV's and impending divorce, I feel a little let down. Is there a better genre description for this type of contemporary setting?

I also agree about the drunk guys. I was expecting wrinkled suits, at least, and got distracted wondering how these fellows got plastered without getting wrinkled.

I didn't feel Survivor's confusion regarding the pain. I think it's acceptable for the character to have other considerations as well, and I didn't feel like you needed to keep reminding me he was hurting. I just kind of assumed he still was.

"About to lose his job, his wife, and now slamming his SUV against a telephone pole, he was convinced he had no luck--none whatsoever."

To be grammatically correct, "to lose" would have to work with all three of the items that follow it, ie "About to lose his job, his wife, and his sanity." One way to correct it would be to change the tense: "He'd lost his job, his wife, and control over his SUV...."

The two guys with the penny didn't work for me. You said that you threw them in to give him the penny, and that's the way it came off. If someone is giving him the penny, I think there should be a reason: the guy had the penny, and knows about the hidden danger, and wants to get rid of it, or the crone who he swerved to avoid, thus hitting the telephone pole, throws it at him with a curse.

Thanks also to Wetherby and Dude for offering to read, but I think I'll revise it before sending it to anyone. Once I do, I'll post the rewritten opening here, and then if you still want to read it, I'll send it out.

Slamming his SUV into a telephone pole seemed the last of Pete Samson's worries. He should have just hit the mangy dog, he thought, but instead he'd swerved. The gash on his forehead, dripping in a steady stream onto his now wrinkled black suit and blood stained shirt that was once white, spread nice swirls and patterns onto the bus-stop bench as he watched. And the wrecked SUV wasn't the worst of it. On top of the latest bit of bad luck, he was about to lose his job and likely his wife as well.

"Hey buddy, here ya' go," a slurred voice said behind him. "You need it more'n me. Maybe it's lucky." Pete glanced over his shoulder, seeing two rough looking men with two-day stubble wearing brownish stained clothes. The...

The swirls and patterns in the bench seems a little abrupt too. He's talking about crashing and how he's go so much else to worry about, and then he's looking at the pattern of blood. If it's imagery, I need a little more detail about it, and a little insight into why he's focusing on the pattern. Maybe he's still a little fuzzy from the impact of the crash, maybe he's just reaching his emotional limit and staring into space. Give me a hint.