posted
Hi guys, I'd be grateful for any thoughts on the following, which is the start of a sword and sorcery short story I'm working on
Kodigan shifted the sword to his left hand and waited. All around him the forest was silent, except for the stead drip of blood from his wounded right arm. The thrown dagger had struck deep, grating against bone and numbing the whole limb. No birds sang now, no animals scrambled through the trees, startled by the sudden clash of steel and the cries of dying men. Two bodies lay at his feet, cut down in the first furious charge that had all but taken him by surprise. He risked a glance downwards. The men wore no clan insignia on their clothes, their faces unmarked by ritual scars and their weapons too well maintained for mere brigands.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2006).]
posted
I like fantasy, and this sounds like an interesting beginning.
I am wondering though, if his right arm is his sword arm, then he would have had to shift his sword to his left right after he was hit to have killed the other two, not afterward.
Also, a dagger deep enough to strike bone in his arm likely hit some major circulatory vessels as well and he would be loosing blood rapidly enough to loose conciousness. But I could be wrong.
posted
You have a minor problem with order in the first part. You mention how the forest is silent, move on to describe his injury, back to silence, and then back to how he received his injury. I'd suggest that you describe the silence, including the lack of bird calls and animals moving, and then move on to his injury. Or even leave his injury until the end of the segment, as it seems the character is more concerned with whether or not the attack is over, and who his attackers are.
I agree with mommiller about the sword, as he should have dropped it when his arm went numb.
The last sentence is very complicated and a little hard to read. I found "...their faces unmarked by ritual scars..." especially distracting.
It's a good scene, but a common one in sword and sorcery fantasy. To start with this kind of scene, you need to find a way to make it new. Something unique to this forest, to this warrior-character, and to this particular failed ambush. You are getting close, with the final references to ritual scars and insignia. I suspect the really interesting part of your story is just about to start, and it might be worthwhile to find a way to jump straight there.
posted
I liked what novice pointed out, combine the different themes, ie.. silent forest, and injuries. But its really just a matter of preference and doesnt' really detract from the story for me. Try it and test it for yourself... I liked it, I would have kept reading if there were more. You may have fixed it already but in the second line the word 'steady' needs a y.
One minor suggestion would be to include what Kodigan is feeling, he seems rather silent about deep wounds. Even a brave man would have calculated thoughts about the loss of blood, and how much longer he could last, its about being realistic, not cowardly.
posted
I think it's an interesting beginning; I'd read on.
Only one thing: I can't parse that sentence:
quote:No birds sang now, no animals scrambled through the trees, startled by the sudden clash of steel and the cries of dying men.
I'm afraid I don't understand what "startled" refers to. You describe a negative: there are no birds, no animals, so it's kind of hard to tell what noun "startled" should go with. You can't refer to something that doesn't exist. If you mean that the birds and the animals are silent because they've been startled by the battle, you should get rid of the negatives.
The wound sounds really serious, and I'm not sure he'd be this calm about it. Basically, he's bleeding to death on the forest ground. I could be wrong though, since I don't know enough about your character.
posted
I'm afraid I'm not really moved. There's a wounded man in a forest, who's been attacked. I don't feel I know any little detail that makes me care about him. I know a little about what has happened; I know nothing, not even a hint, of why it's happened. Why is he in the forest? Why was he attacked (I'm guessing he doesn't know - but if we're in his POV, he should be wondering fiercely about it). You give me a mystery, but you don't give me a clue, a little lead-in as to why I should care about the mystery. I tghink part of the reason is that Kodigan is being pasive. He's waiting. He's not acting; he's not even planning; he's just waiting.
This is an example of how the scene might hook me a bit more:
"Kodigan leant against the tree, gritting his teeth while the blood continued to run down his arm and drip onto the forest floor. He looked down at the two dead men. He didn't recognise them; they had no clan markings. He had no idea why he'd been attacked, why he'd almost been killed. But he meant to find out why..."
You can then lead in to tell me what Kodigan was doing before he was attacked, if it's relevant (and it probably should be, at least in some indirect way), and what he's going to do about it.
Remember, though, all this is my personal approach. YMMV, and it's entirely right that it shoudl do so.
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