posted
Rough draft title. This is a humorous piece, and I'd love to get some feedback. Since humor is so personal, I'd like to get an idea of how different people react. -----------------------------
For three months I gave my all to the French Foreign Legion before it grew tedious and loathsome, and I knew that I had wrung from it all I could. Jean-Paul, I think, was simply horny for France. A good man, but what an appetite, eh? Now this was, let me think, probably five days - say a week - before the mess with Switzerland and the camels.
I take no responsibility for Switzerland. For my money, they can be neutral and uppity in northern Africa just as well as western Europe. In fact, they have even more to be uppity about now. They should thank me. I’m sure they’re all happy as pigs in shit.
posted
Good hook I wouldn't say it's humourous, more like scornful or ironic but it's too soon to tell yet and I like the voice of the character. Because I didn't recognize the references (is this real history or something you're making up?) it felt like you were cramming it with data. I don't understand the part of JP being horny for France, and the rethorical question after that. Still... it makes me want to keep on reading and find out why the character thinks nobody should like France that much. Is France the country? or is it the name of another character? The second paragraph threw me off a bit. I got a bit lost bet again I would read on to find out. I find the thirteen line limit doesn't do justice to your story. I don't think all stories should start with a bang, some just need a little space to develop, so you're probably doing just fine at this point
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
A large part of the first few paragraphs of this story is building the character of the narrator. I'm trying to slowly play out the story, while really digging into the voice. The narrator doesn't really tell much about himself, so my goal is to let you get to know him by his manner of speaking and his attitudes. Some people may find him hard to take.
If anyone's interested enough in reading the whole thing, let me know.
posted
I don't hate it, because you've got an interesting voice here. But it doesn't feel very connected. I'm not really sure what the story's supposed to be about since you've jumped from the FFL to Jean-Paul to Switzerland.
posted
I'll critique it, if you like, as long as you're not in a hurry.
I like the voice, although I agree that you seem to be cramming in information. Maybe you expand the first paragraph, providing a little bit more detail or cutting where needed; the enigmatic reference to JP's "appetite" and how he's "horny for France" could each be explained or cut. I'm assuming he's a main character -- maybe we find out just a little bit more about the narrator or JP before you drop the bomb about Switzerland and the camels. I don't think the second paragraph provides any more of a hook than the first, so you have a little room to play with.
posted
I, for one, wasn't necessarily kertwanged over the mentioning of the camels, since you straightway mention Switzerland in the next paragraph clearly, establishing that this paragraph is the first part of the camel story (I'm guessing). I'd be motivated to read further.
Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
If you're claiming that the lack of clarity wasn't deliberate, then you need to rewrite this as an outline.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Survivor: There was some intentional goofing with the reader. The narrator is unreliable and a bit cracked. I'm developing character and voice. I'm glad that you find it off-putting. The narrator, as a character, is a pain in the butt.
If I've annoyed you, I feel like I've done my job.
posted
Just keep in mind that if you annoy the readers very much, you'll probably lose them altogether, which means that the rest of your carefully contrived story will be wasted.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
True enough. I do try to keep that in mind. My goal is that the reader realize that the character may have some qualities which the reader finds annoying, but that the character and story will be interesting enough that they'll want to continue reading none the less.
If nothing else, the reader gets to see if the character gets what's coming to him.
posted
It was hard for me to read. Sentence 1: if he's that much an opportunist, why join something so demanding? I'm not saying there isn't a reason, I'm saying I don't know what it could be.
Jean-Paul, horny for France: since you can't, um, "do" France, I didn't know if this meant he was metaphorically horny for the country, or literally horny for some of its residents.
I take no responsibility for Switzerland: huh?
For my money, they can be neutral and uppity in northern Africa just as well as western Europe. Huh? Was the population of Switzerland deported to Africa? What's happening?
In fact, they have even more to be uppity about now: huh? What's he talking about?
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