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Christine
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EDIT: TAKE THREE!

I've read and reread every comment. I hope this version fixes more problems than it causes...let me know!

Marianne has long been able to predict the future but is powerless to alter its course. When her daughter inherits her dreaded power, she decides to make a change and move across the country. To her surprise and delight, she discovers that she is not alone – other women have the power too. One of the women has even been manipulating prophecy in an attempt to take charge of her ability. At least, until Marianne finds her murdered. Will Marianne learn the truth about her own power before it’s too late?


###########################


A few weeks ago, I gave a synopsis of my novel to my publisher to put up on her web site. I guess it was too long because today when I went to see it, she had cut bits of it and it is frankly choppy. I am working on a better one, but before I present it to her I want to make sure I have a good one. I'll probably use it on my web site too. Here's what I was working on just now:

#

For years, Marianne has been plagued by prophesies of future events she is powerless to change. When she suddenly decides to make a change in her life by moving across country, she meets five women who know exactly what she is going through. Then Marianne finds one of those friends murdered. With the help of Detective Derek Richards, she must find the murderer before the murderer finds her

#

Please, be brutal. I'm trying to sell a book. The only catch is I can't change what the book is about at this point and the summary can't be much longer than this.

If you want to see the choppy one on the publisher's web site, it's here: http://www.twilighttimesbooks.com/ttbcurrent.html (Go down until you see "Touch of Fate")


EDIT: TAKE TWO

Basd on Elan's suggestions, I came up with this revision. I'm leaving the old one up in case people think that one was better:

Marianne has been able to predict the future since her twelfth birthday – and since that time she has been powerless to alter her own prophecies. When she suddenly decides it’s time to make a change in her life, she moves across the country where she befriends five women who know exactly what she is going through. Then Marianne finds one of those friends murdered and clues suggesting that she died because she tried to take charge of her dreaded ability. With the help of Detective Derek Richards, Marianne must learn the truth about her own power before it’s too late.

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 12, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 13, 2006).]


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Elan
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quote:
For years, Marianne has been plagued by prophesies of future events she is powerless to change.

Question: by "years" do you mean all her life? the past decade? Or a year or two? And who is the prophet? Are these prophesies that Marianne herself is coming up with? Or has some Oracle-type person prophesized FOR her? I also want to know, have these prophesies had time to come to pass? That is, does Marianne KNOW they are true? Or is she living in dread that they MIGHT happen? The way you phrase this first sentence can give us this information.

quote:
When she suddenly decides to make a change in her life by moving across country, she meets five women who know exactly what she is going through.

What change is she making? Is the MOVE the change? The way this is phrased, it seems like the move is the method to make the change happen, but you aren't telling us what the change IS. And you say she meets five women who know what she is going through. What IS she going through? The five women might know, but we, the readers of your blurb, don't know.

quote:
Then Marianne finds one of those friends murdered.

You've now re-catagorized the five women as friends. The way it was phrased in the previous sentence, she only "met" them, which means they could have been mere acquaintences. In the previous sentence, you might say "Marianne makes friends with five women who know..." then the nature of their relationship is more clear.

quote:
With the help of Detective Derek Richards, she must find the murderer before the murderer finds her.

I'm not much into murder mysteries, but this seems like a really trite way to say it that has been used far too many times before. There is nothing to suggest a connection between the friend's murder and the MC's belief that she, herself, is in danger. A sentence that mentions the clue that leads the MC to the belief her life is in jeopardy would help hook me into the story.

As a writer, I think summarizing your own story is harder than actually writing it. Your summary wasn't bad, but these were thoughts I had as I read the blurb. Hope this helps! Good luck.


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Christine
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It is SO much harder than writing the novel. You ask me questions that I spent PAGES answering in the book! How do I make it clear in a sentence? I'll give it another go though...

I put the changes up in the initial post so that new readers in the thread could find them...

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 12, 2006).]


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Elan
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I write ad copy all the time. This IS ad copy. I have the advantage of ignorance and emotional detachment. I don’t feel compelled to add too much in, since I don’t KNOW any more details. If you don’t mind, I’ll make a suggestion for you. Obviously, since I don’t know your story, I’m making my best-guess at the unknown elements. But hopefully this will give you an idea of how to sum it up?


“For the past ten years, Marianne has been plagued by dreams of future events that come true, catastrophic events that she has always been powerless to change. She lives in fear of being accused of being a witch. Hoping that a change of scenery will disrupt the pattern of her prophetic precognition, she decides to move across country. Along the way she befriends five other women who have the same, eerie ability of true dreaming. Then one of those friends is murdered, and a note is left accusing her of being a witch and a threat to kill Marianne next. With the help of Derek Richards, she must find the crazed killer before she becomes the next victim of his witch hunt.”

Does this help?

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited June 12, 2006).]


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Elan
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ooo... we were cross posting. I like the new version much better.
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thexmedic
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Two minor suggestions:


One:

Split the following into two sentences:

quote:

Then Marianne finds one of those friends murdered and clues suggesting that she died because she tried to take charge of her dreaded ability

So it would become:

quote:

Then Marianne finds one of those friends murdered. Clues suggest that she died because she tried to take charge of her dreaded ability.

Two:
I keep tripping up over:

quote:

she moves across the country where she befriends five women who know exactly what she is going through

This one's pretty subjective but I'd maybe change the word "where she" to "and along the way."

Aside from that it reads great, and it's a really cool premise. Let us know if it hits the shelves because I for one would love to read it.

[This message has been edited by thexmedic (edited June 12, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by thexmedic (edited June 12, 2006).]


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mommiller
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Queries about the second version of your synopsis.

Does Marianne befriend, which I take to mean help out these five other women, great pentagram symbolism there, or do these others help her out? If the latter is the case than these other women "befriend" Marianne.

Here's my go at it.

Ever since she was twelve years old, Marianne can predict the future. Unfortunately, this gift does not allow her to alter what she sees. Now twenty-five, (or however old she is) Marianne leaves her home to venture across the country encountering five other women much like herself. When one of the five's unexpected death points to murder it is up to Marianne, with the help of Detective Derek Richards to sort through the clues and to learn the truth behind her own capabilities before it is too late.

I borrowed from some of the other comments as well.

I love mysteries and would pick it up if it ever makes it to print.

Good luck!!

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited June 12, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited June 12, 2006).]


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Christine
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I am beginning to have more pity on authors whose back of book blurbs don't seem (to me) to match the novel -- at least not the way I pictured it.

I always thought befriend just meant to make friends. Does anyone else have an opinion on the connotation?

I am trying to only go into the most necessary details here. If I add too many, I fear they will just add more quseitons. She's actually 38, has a 16-year-old daughter, got divorced a couple of years ago after she caught her husband cheating on her, (one of a few things in her life she did NOT predict and that is important) and is trying to make this change for the sake of her daughter, who inherited her ability. But I can't fit all that into a short, one-paragraph blurb, especially since it's all background and not actual story.

BTW, this book WILL make print. I don't have the official releas date for the paperback (it'll be sometime in 2007) but the e-book is September 15. I really, really, appreciat eyour help on this. It's amazing, but before the book is accepted for publication you think that day -- the day it is accepted -- is the fulfillment of your dream. Turns out there's a lot more hard work to do afterward if you want to be successful.

I really, really, really appreciat the help you guys. Keep it coming!

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 12, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Christine (edited June 12, 2006).]


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Pyre Dynasty
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(going from take two)I'd include the divorce and the teenager as the reason for moving. (perhaps not the cheating or the girl's power) I don't like the "suddenly", which to me means for no apearant reason.
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mommiller
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Okay, let's try this...

Ever since she was twelve, Marianne has been able to see the future, a gift with its own curses since there is nothing she can do to change what she sees. Blindsided by a divorce, Marianne journeys across the country with her teenage daughter to make a fresh start. On her way she encounters five other women with similar gifts. When one of the group's unexpected death points to murder, it is up to Marianne and hunky Detective Derek Richard to sift through the clues. Will they be able to discover the murderer? Or will the "witch hunt," begin anew...

Two questions,

1) Will you sign my copy if I mail it to you next year?

2) How come the hunky detective gets a last name and not Marianne??

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited June 12, 2006).]


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Christine
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1.) Absolutely!

2.) Duhhhh....that's a good question!


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wbriggs
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I really like mommiller's last version.
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Christine
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It's pretty good but it's not actually correct in terms of information.

The friend's death doesn't point to murder -- Marianne herself discovers the body of her friend with bits of brains on the wall behind it. :=)

There is no witch hunt. That is absolutely the wrong word for the tension in the story. This is magical realism -- most people don't believe in magic and try to find other explanations for what they see.

"blindsided by divorce" isnt't quite right either, but it would be too touch to explain why and it's not as far off as the others.

**************************

I wasn't going to say it but with Will's last comment I guess I feel I have to: I would really rather you didn't try to rewrite the summary for me. It would be so much more helpful if you just pointed out what worked/didn't work and why. Or even if you tell me what impressions you are getting from my summary. It is obvious through your attempted rewrites that not all the impressions are correct and in the end, I am going to have to write the finished summary with my own style and in my own voice.


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wbriggs
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Point taken.

Looking at the last version currently posted:

Marianne has been able to predict the future since her twelfth birthday – and since that time she has been powerless to alter her own prophecies.

I'd strike "since that time" -- I think it will mean the same thing.

When she suddenly decides it’s time to make a change in her life,

It seems a little random -- I'd rather know what precipitates it.

she moves across the country where she befriends five women who know exactly what she is going through.

How do they know? Telepathic? Having the same gift/curse?

where->and, I think. If this is the country where she befriends them, it's unclear if she finds them at her new home, or along the way.

Then Marianne finds one of those friends murdered and clues suggesting that she died because she tried to take charge of her dreaded ability.

Parallelism: I don't like "finds friend murdered and clues" -- maybe "finds friend murdered; the clues suggest..."

I don't follow the end. How do you take charge of this ability? How can clues point to this? A little hint such as "the Evil Robot Monkeys wanted no human to have this power" or something.

With the help of Detective Derek Richards, Marianne must learn the truth about her own power before it’s too late.

Sounds like Richards is a big deal (title and full name), but I don't know why. I'd say give him a word to say why he's interesting, AND reduce him to "a policeman" or some such.

These are nits, I think.

[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited June 13, 2006).]


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mommiller
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Point doubly taken.

Thanks Briggs for commenting on my version of the synopsis. It was a fun exercise, but I can see Christine's point about having to do it herself.

The story does sound like an intriguing one that I would be interested in reading.

Good luck with the synopsis Christine!


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tchernabyelo
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As someone who's tried to write cover copy for about twenty different novels... I know how tough it is. On the one hand, you're trying to give some of the essential flavour of the story; on the other you don;t want to give away any cool surprises. Most novels, stripped to a few bare lines, come over sounding trite or cliched.

I'm working this off the second version that's up in your original post, since that seems to be your latest. For me, what doesn't work is this:

Firstly, the mention of the twelfth birthday. It's a detail, and while it might be important to the actual details of the plot, it isn't important to the summary of that plot. I hesitate to rewrite, but "Marianne has long been able to predict the future - and powerless to change to what she can see." To me, that conveys all I need to know from the first sentence you have (I really don't like the "since that time" phrase, as it seems redundant - she was clearly powerless to alter her prophecies before she had them).

Secondly; "when she suddenly decides..." begs a question. Why does she "suddenly decide" if this has been going on for so long. Either just settle for saying "When she finally decides", or tell us at least something about why she makes the decision.

Thirdly "she befriends five women who know exactly what she is going through". This is clearly a humungously major plot point - it implies that fir the first time in her life she finds someone who shares her power, and she finds not one, but five? All together? yet you mention this as a run-on from her decision. At least give it a sentence of its own! This would also help break up the structure you've got here - at the moment, four very similar sentences, and I think just one shorter one to break up the pacing would help.

Fourthly - "clues suggesting" doesn't work for me, and the "because she tried to take charge of her dreaded ability" reads clumsily as well. Just settle for telling us that one of the women is murdered, and either flat out tell us it's because she was trying to "change" the future she'd read (indeed, you can switch it round - mention that she was trying to take charge of her powers, and then say she gets murdered; we'll make the connection, and I don't think it matters in the copy if the MC wouldn't have known, prior to the murder, that that's what her friend had been doing - that sort of detail isn't important to cover copy).

Finally - the last sentence does come over as a cliche. I'm not sure it's necessary to mention the detective at all, no matter how significant he's going to be - after all, the entire blurb so far has been about Marianne, and I think you're best to stay focussed on her as the MC. But that still leaves you with a "race against time" motif that has been done all too often - and, though I note you say this is "magiic realism" rather than crime, that last sentence really makes it sound like a stalker/whodunnit novel. Maybe you want to make it sound more of a puzzle, and less of a simple threat to Marianne's life.


Sorry if this sounds negative; as noted, I know how hard it is to condense tens of thousands of words (which you're doubtless, rightly, very proud of) into a handful of sentences.


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Christine
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I'm working on a third revision now...I'll put it up in the original post soon.
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Pyre Dynasty
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Works for me.
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