posted
It's been a while so I thought I'd include the beginning of a new story I've sent to our writing group. As always, your comments (complaints, praises, threats, etc.) are always appreciated.
The sunset signaled a new day, a day Trace anticipated with childlike glee. As darkness fell the thirteen year old scampered from his seclusion chamber, bolted through the maze of halls until immediately stopping at the hatch that lead to the lower levels. His bare feet burned as he skidded to a stop in front of the numeric keypad. Without conscience thought Trace flashed the 12-number code that granted access to everyone in his family. Ever since his father ordered a new compression plasma drive for the his computer, Trace could barely contain the excitement as each day the upgrade failed to show meant one day closer to its inevitable arrival.
posted
So far all I'm getting is that this kid is excited the sun went down cause of a "new day"--but I don't know why. All the techno stuff confused me a bit. Really the only reason I would have kept reading was to find out why "day" starts at night.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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I'll add that it's unlikely that the boy used the access code without a conscious thought. (If so, actually, I think we have a story about altered states of consciousness.)
posted
I love the idea of starting with "The sunset signaled a new day..." Right away you've established something of interest in your world.
When you say "anticipated", I think sunset hasn't happened yet, but then you've already said it was happening, and you move straight into Trace leaving his chamber. Maybe "greeted" or "met" would work. (Well, "anticipated" works, as my complaint falls into the realm of "very minor" complaints. But you may need some further description of time passing between the first and second sentences, to keep the action consistent. I get the impression you want me to see Trace standing beside his door, looking through a window, waiting for the moment he can leave his room ... but you didn't say any of those things, I added them in my own head.)
The second sentence is a really nice set of images, but I think it gets a little weak when you say, "...until immediately stopping at the hatch that lead to the lower levels." Your previous verbs, "scampered" and "bolted", are nice descriptive verbs, and then you continue his action with "immediately stopping." Those two words are redundant, and the -ing construction does not conjure a strong image. I'm not sure you even need that last phrase, as the next sentence says almost exactly the same thing.
I think "ever since" is an awkward way to describe time. Maybe just tell us how long he's been waiting. The whole last sentence is rather long and convoluted, hard to follow. Plus, I'm having trouble picturing a thirteen-year-old boy who would be excited about having to wait another day to get his new computer drive.
I'm not sure you've set a strong hook here, though I like the scene and you've introduced several things that interest me. I'd keep reading, but I have questions that may be out of place, like wondering if Trace is a vampire or if he's in some kind of artificial environment. I like the way you write, and appreciate that I'm not going to be distracted by frequent mechanical problems, or have to keep re-reading to sort out POV and tense problems.
posted
I will admit that I'm curious about Trace. Is he not human? But I'm confused as well -- especially the last sentence. Also, I think I understand that Trace is a child, so maybe the word 'childlike' is not right? And 'immediately' stopping after bolting through the halls stopped me -- I had to go back. Sounds like an interesting, world, though. Hope this is helpful.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
There is something strange about the first two sentences, it's as if the first sentence is a false start. And I think that you mention too much that can be assumed, if I were you, I'd cut it down to this:
quote: As darkness fell, the thirteen year old scampered from his seclusion chamber, bolting through the maze of halls until skidding to a stop before the hatch keypad. Trace's fingers flashed the 12-number family code...
This version is a little bit lighter and faster to my ear. It has all of the same plot elements, but it's not bogged down in description.
posted
I agree with Tanglier, but I would make sure not to lose the fact that the new day begins at sunset.
You're probably like me and noticed these spelling/typo mistakes the moment you posted, but in case:
Without conscience thought => conscious plasma drive for the his computer => one of those has to go
I also think "meant one day closer" should be "meant it was one day closer"
I agree with Loretta about "immediately stopping." A few words later, he "skidded to a stop" in front of the keypad. Are you telling us twice that he stopped? I
I'm interested in the story. The rest of the stuff is fixable.
(Edited to correct mispelling of conscious )
[This message has been edited by Wayne (edited August 21, 2006).]
posted
Thank you for all your help. Don’t you hate submitting something and the obvious problems and mistakes come back and hit you up-side the head? A bit of background, Trace is a boy who’s never set foot outside his home, to do so could bring arrest of his parents and indentured servitude for himself. He sleeps during the day in a concealed room until night when he and others in his situation join cyber-gangs. Kids surf the net disrupting society and having fun as only kids have. Oh, and he is human. Thanks again for the help. Here’s my newest version of the 1st paragraph with some modifications:
The sunset signaled a new day, a day Trace anticipated with almost giddy delight. As darkness fell the thirteen year old scampered from his seclusion chamber, bolted through a maze of halls until reaching the hatch that lead to the lower levels. His bare feet burned as he skidded to a stop in front of the numeric keypad. Trace’s fingers were sweaty and slid slightly against the worn plastic as he flashed his 12-number family code. His father had ordered a new compression plasma drive for his computer, and Trace could barely contain the excitement. It had been days since it should have come, and as each day the upgrade failed to show meant another day waiting for its inevitable arrival.
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