posted
I am compiling a book of essays and would love for some feedback. The first 13 lines of one of them is below.
I appreciate feedback on these and also seek anyone interested in reading more.
Thanks
After living with one ADHD event after another, it takes a lot to embarrass me. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for my sons and husband. Probably the most embarrassing event for them so far involved, two buckets and a running fire hydrant. No, I did not back the car into it and cause the leak. Actually the fact that it was leaking proved to be to my family’s advantage.
After returning from work after another hectic day, I found that I had yet again failed to send in a payment. Now my water supply to the house was shut off. Anyone who has ever done this, knows just because you make a payment immediately, the water company does not rush out to turn your service back on. If you have water before 11:00 p.m. consider yourself lucky. We are not a lucky family, but we are inventive.
[This message has been edited by Second Assistant (edited August 19, 2006).]
posted
I think this would work better shorter. You've got a lot of explanation, but your point, I think, is to make us laugh, and tell us a story. How about: The water was cut off; it wasn't my fault; how do you flush a toilet w/o water? (For example, the "With 5 boys in the house and 1 under 3": it's a valid question how to flush the toilet w/o water, whoever might be present.)
To me paragraph 1 can be summarized as
It takes a lot to embarrass me.
And that would be OK -- but where does it get funny? Maybe with a funny event, or maybe with funny dialog.
posted
When I read an essay, I'm not interested in what didn't happen. I'm interested in what did happen. This is because essays are short and need to get to the point fast. The first paragraph spends a lot of time waving hints about what happened, but without the relevance, I'm wondering why I care.
The second paragraph is a better start, because right off, you tell me that the payment was late and the water is gone. Although I'm not sure about the last sentence, because it doesn't seem to fit with everything else that's been said.
Overall, this has the potential to be funny. I can relate to the circumstances, but nothing unique is happening yet.
posted
Perhaps it's just because I'm an ADD mother and wife myself, I found this fragment to be something I can REALLY relate to, and I REALLY want to read more. I didn't see much wrong with any of it, and again, perhaps it's because I'm ADD, and the bit I read follows the way I think. Perhaps it won't appeal to everyone, but I like it, and I have a feeling that a lot of other people will, too.
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posted
Well, I'm NOT an "ADD" mother, nor do I know what "ADHD" stands for. I might make a guess, but I could be in error. Unless your audience is specific to whaddever ADHD stands for, you might give us the proper name for the ADHD condition. Once you've anchored us as to what you mean, THEN you can resort to using an ancronym.
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posted
Thanks Elan, you pointed out my problem also. Not only the assumed knowledge of what ADHD means, but I in reading this I cannot even tell who has it. The mother? sons? husband? whole family?
If this is to be an anecdotal essay it needs to presented clearer.
posted
ADHD stands for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, and most people will know this. Also, since she is used to ADHD and they are not, we can assume that she is the one who has it.
The essay is definitely NOT too long, sorry. Your essay is fine. It starts a little more long-winded than *some* would like, but you are allowed to start an essay off more slowly than a short story. An introduction is allowed to be a little out there, so long as it comes to a point, which yours does. If this were an expository or other more formal essay, your voice would be wrong, but it isn't and yours isn't.
As for your story, I think I know where this is going. My question is, did you open the hydrant or was it just leaky (or am I completely off track)?
posted
Thanks for all the comments. Dead Poet is right on the meaning for ADHD. The book I am compiling is for a literary agent interested in my proposal plus the first 30 or so pages.
The audience will definitely be adults who have ADHD, or some form of it. It may also pose an interest to those married or in a relationship with ADHD people.
My purpose is to bring some humour to situations which we struggle with daily that non-ADDers will not relate to on a regular basis. It is to offer confirmation that the ADHD readers are not "alone" in their dilemna.
I have more essays and will post the first 13 lines as I can.
posted
You let me know as soon as this comes out because I WANT a copy.
And ADD stands for Atention Deficit Disorder. The type I have does NOT include Hyperactivity, but it is just as annoying. If anyone is interested in how the ADD/ADHD mind works, read the essays once this is published. It will seem chaotic and confusing at times, but it will DEFINITELY give you a small hint as to what those of us afflicted with this disorder go through on a daily basis.
If nothing else, it will prove to be interesting! LOL
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