posted
Any volunteer readers for 3500 words? It was well over 100 degrees. The two-lane desert road stretched ahead through undulating waves of shimmering mirages across miles and miles of empty desert. He hadn’t seen another car all day and wondered if he was the only one on the road, here was a chance to open it up. Reggie the Rabbit they called him, more for his driving skills than his luck with women. A quick downward glance showed the speedometer needle wavering at 95. The Ford Mustang shot ahead as he floored it. Arms locked straight, face stretched into a senseless grin; he imagined flying low almost touching the road surface. Bleak desert landscape whipped by in a blur as the straining engine maxed at a roaring whine. In the far off horizon an indistinct dot appeared to grow rapidly in size.
Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Well...in my opinion this is too non-active. I rearranged your sentences, cut some out and added some ideas to make what "felt" to me a bit more interesting and active.
(Name) hadn’t seen another car all day and wondered if he was the only one on the two-lane desert road. (He was bored with cacti and dry gulches and the temptation to give his car a real test was too much) The Ford Mustang shot ahead as he floored it. A quick downward glance showed the speedometer needle wavering at 95. Arms locked straight, face stretched into a senseless grin; he(flew low barely) touching the road surface. Bleak desert landscape whipped by in a blur as the straining engine maxed at a roaring whine.
Then (or, suddenly or ?) in the far off horizon an indistinct dot appeared. It grew rapidly in size.
At this point dragging in his problems with girls seems irrelevant. This is about him, speeding and something heading his way. Bring the other in when it's more appropriate, how 'bout?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 16, 2007).]
posted
>REGGIE hadn’t seen another car all day and wondered if he was the only one on the road, here was a chance to open it up.
Comma splice.
I think you mean speed? "Open it up" makes me wonder what "it" is.
Best to name MC as soon as convenient.
Very clear narration.
On the rest: I have no hook. Someone's speeding, and it looks like there's no danger, either of cop or of accident. No struggle, no danger, nothing else of interest to make me need to read on.
What's the cool thing about the story, that will make us want to read it? Start there?
posted
I think you could even make it shorter, with a clear PoV, and plenty of room to get us into some action:
Reggie the Rabbit blew down the desert road in his ('68?)Mustang. There was nobody else on the road. He had the speedometer buried, just the way he liked it. Heat eminated from the black, leather interior, so he cranked down the window.
Something was moving toward him. At first it was infinitesimal, and then it got closer and bigger--much bigger. It was headed right for Reggie, and moving faster.
{I raised the speed, because of the vehicle year.}
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 16, 2007).]
posted
I agree with the above, especially the lack of a hook in the first 13; however, I doubt that affects the entire story, so I will be happy to read. (I have a busy class schedule right now, so it may take a few days to return the reply.) If that's okay, feel free to send it along.
Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Babbler's revision adds a lot of excitement to this first 13. The way it starts out (as it stands, not Babbler's version), it's more like a travelogue and doesn't hook me at all. I don't care about this guy, although I can relate to the fun of driving fast. But I don't see the excitement in this first thirteen that I'd expect, the way it is at present. I'd like to know the guy's name up front, and the bit about the girls isn't necessary right now. I'd like to know more about the car, and the dot on the horizon (which is always far-off, so I'd lose that description of it). The line about "imagined flying low almost touching the road surface" bothers me - if his BODY was touching the road surface, he'd have a scraped up bum if nothing else! LOL! The car has to be touching the road or he's out of control, so the mental image created by this line doesn't work for me, although the "arms locked straight, face stretched into a senseless grin" works in this context.
He isn't a sympathetic character so far - do you want him to be? And I don't see any conflict here to draw me into the story. But being a fan of fast cars, I might read it anyway.
I think it would be interesting if you involved more of the senses. For instance, if it's over 100 degrees, he might be wiping sweat off his brow, or feeling sticky in his leather seat, or he'd jerk his arm off the door as if he was burned from the heat in the metal (if he was going to hang his arm out of the window). He would feel the pressure of being pushed or pressed back in his seat when he accellerates rapidly. He might notice the smell of the hot tarmack as well as the mirages you mentioned (I liked that line a lot, BTW: "undulating waves of shimmering mirages across miles and miles of empty desert." VERY well done!)
If his engine is "maxed" at that temperature, and he's a real car guy, wouldn't he be concerned he might blow his engine (I'm not mechanical enough to know if this is a problem, but if he's redlined the tach in 100 degree heat, wouldn't he worry about throwing a rod or something??? Especially in an older car - if it is an older car like a '68 Mustang?)
I think you have an interesting situation set up here. With a little tweaking, it could sing! Good luck with it!
posted
Cut this down. Too many words, too little interesting things. In my opinion, at least. I'll look at your stuff if you do so and work the whole thing over one more time before sending it to me.
If so,
yos _@_gis.net
sans spaces and _ between the words and the "@."
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited March 17, 2007).]
posted
The beginning does not really grab me. I agree with wbriggs, you need to name the character the first time you introduce him. Also, the description in the first sentence is nice, but it doesn't move the story forward and slows down your opening.
I have a slight backlog right now, but I'll read if you aren't in a hurry.
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