posted
I hate my brain most days, but especially at times like this. Trembling, I huddled in my bunker and pressed a button, releasing the predator into the aviary. On a monitor, a sliding door mawed open---revealing only darkness within. Then it emerged---three kilos of pissed, sanctimonious carnivore: my assistant’s cat, “Verm,” aka., the Verminator. Tail bullwhipping, Verm sashayed forth and stopped at a plywood barrier, an L-shaped wall that served to hide him from the prey. The cat's ears perked at the twitter of birds beyond the blind. He slunk to the edge of the partition, his shoulder blades camming like oiled axe heads beneath the skin of his back. I snatched up a wastepaper basket as fear seized my stomach.
Posts: 59 | Registered: Mar 2007
| IP: Logged |
There are some images I really like. There is certainly an immediacy to the scene.
I'm confused about why the MC is reacting the way he/she is and (maybe because of it) the opening line seems disconnected to me.
I'm not sure why the MC is so afraid. Presumably the bunker is away from the aviary where he's just released the cat and he's watching/ studying it. It's his "assistant's cat" so why is he afraid of it? Three kilos isn't very heavy. The puking his guts out watching the cat take down the birds I can understand, but not his fear.
Why is he afraid?
If you conveyed the basis of his fear, I'd probably be hooked.
Otherwise, you might tone down the descriptions a mite because, to me, you are on the edge of trying to hard.
ex:
". . .mawed open . . "; " . . .sashayed forth . . ." - can a cat do this?; ". . .camming like oiled axe heads . ."
posted
I mostly like it. There are some order-of-revealing issues.
I hate my brain most days, but especially at times like this. [WHY? IT'S OK TO TELL US IN THE NEXT LINE, I THINK BUT YOU DON'T TELL US FOR PARAGRAPHS. SO ESSENTIALLY YOU'VE TOLD US NOTHING. I'M NOT EVEN SURE WHAT "HATE MY BRAIN" MEANS.]
Trembling [WHY IS HE/SHE TREMBLING?], I huddled in my bunker and pressed a button, releasing the predator [LATER WE FIND THAT MC KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT THIS PREDATOR IS, AND COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT MORE SPECIFIC. BETTER TO TELL US UP FRONT.] into the aviary.
On a monitor, a sliding door mawed open---revealing only darkness within. [SO WE'RE LED TO WONDER. BUT IF WE'RE TO EXPERIENCE THIS WITH MC, WE SHOULD WONDER NOT WHAT'S IN THERE, BUT, WELL, WHATEVER MC WONDERS ABOUT.]
So, bottom line: tell us what's up, esp. why MC is scared; cut a little from the description of the cat's movements; and, yes, this is cool.
posted
I'm having a bit of trouble understanding what's going on here. I know that the MC is in a bunker and that somewhere else a cat is emerging from a cave and the MC's afraid of it...why?
I do like the opening line, I think that's a good hook. But to me it felt like the successive imagery was trying too hard to be vivid - I had to work extra to understand. Perhaps less is more?
An interesting start, but I think it needs cleaned up a bit, tightened.
[This message has been edited by Dulci (edited April 02, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Dulci (edited April 02, 2007).]
Why is the narrarator letting a cat into a aviary? Is he/she a sadist?
Why would I be interested in reading about the narrarator's assistant's cat?
Except for the first two lines, the "my assistant's cat", and the last sentence, it's well written and interesting. If I was following the cat the whole way, or I knew the why the cat was needed, the story would draw me in.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
