posted
This is my most recent attempt at a worthwhile fantasy/sci-fi. Should end up being as long as 10,000 words when finished, though this fragment is actually about 2/3 of all I've written so far. The speaker is male, and the genre is either fantasy, sci-fi, or a combination of both (as impossible as that sounds).
Just comment on the fragment, please.
-------- There’s something about those Treiksdone Mountains that just catches the eye, like the sheer precipices, smooth and sharp as glass, sky’s reflections cascading down the sides. Like that four hundred foot dip there, up there—right above that granite ridge on the eastern slope. Too late—can’t see it now, the trees are blocking the way—but I’ll tell you, I spent days on that ridge, days below that cliff waiting for the sky to fall from its top and crush me into blood and dust. Me, myself and the other man, what was his name—doesn’t matter, as he’s dead—but what a death that was! Two nights on that slope we kept our camp, bones our tinder and gravel our bed. We held camp there longer than any other sane man, any other living man, and longer than a few dead men, I can witness. --------
Also, a few elements of horror.
--Spencer
[This message has been edited by s_merrell (edited April 05, 2007).]
I like the first sentence up to 'glass'. Here are some suggestions:
There’s something about those [the]Treiksdone Mountains that just catches the eye, like the sheer precipices, smooth and sharp as glass,[.here and leave the rest of the sentence out or reword ot some how, eg; how the light cascades down the side.] sky’s reflections cascading down the sides.
[wouldn't start here with 'like'] Like that four hundred foot dip there, up there—right [Unless this is someone talking to another person,it doesn't work for me.] above that granite ridge on the eastern slope. Too late—can’t see it now, the trees are blocking the way—but I’ll tell you,[ again here, maybe its just me, but for this to work, we would have to see it IMHO] I spent days on that ridge, days below that cliff waiting for the sky to fall from its top [top of what?] and crush me into blood and dust. Me, myself and the other man, what was his name—doesn’t matter, as [would remove 'as' here] he’s dead—but what a death that was!
Two nights on that slope we kept our camp, bones our tinder and gravel our bed.[I think this needs rewording it doesn't read right to me]
We held camp there longer than any other sane man, any other living man, and longer than a few dead men, I can witness.[I'm not sure you need 'other']
It's interesting and I would want to read more.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited April 05, 2007).]
posted
Thanks for the quick and thorough response, darklight. I absolutely appreciate it.
However, there's something else that I should have mentioned--something I've just decided is critical to the plot--the narrator is talking to someone, and it becomes more apparent through the rest of the story. See, the narrator is actually relating his tale to another person while they are (presently) traveling somewhere. I can't really give away any more than that.
I'll send it over to you when it's finished, since you're interested.
And though I do appreciate your constructive comments, there are certain aspects of the story tat I need to keep--the narrator's tone and accent, for instance. He's not the most well-spoken individual, well-mannered individual, or most likeable individual, for that matter--this quickly becomes apparent in the story.
However, now that you've pointed them out, there are some words that I could do without. Thank you for your help.
posted
There’s something about those Treiksdone Mountains that just catches the eye, like the sheer precipices, smooth and sharp as glass, sky’s reflections cascading down the sides. [CAN'T PICTURE THAT] Like that four hundred foot dip there, up there— [EM DASH IS --] right above that granite ridge on the eastern slope. Too late—can’t see it now, the trees are blocking the way—but I’ll tell you, I spent days on that ridge, days below that cliff waiting for the sky to fall from its top and crush me into blood and dust. [HUH?] Me, myself and the other man, what was his name—doesn’t matter, as he’s dead—but what a death that was! [HUH? WHAT'S THE NARRATOR TALKING ABOUT?] Two nights on that slope we kept our camp, bones our tinder [YOU BURNED BONES? WHY?] and gravel our bed. We held camp there longer than any other sane man, any other living man, and longer than a few dead men, I can witness.
I like the attitude. I did find myself confused in parts. The best solution to that IMHO is just to tell us. If you tell us what we need to know to understand the text -- and nothing more -- that's not a detraction from the story.
quote: There’s something about those Treiksdone Mountains that just catches the eye,[I think that the first sentence should end here.] [[This should be made into a separate sentence -->] like the sheer precipices, smooth and sharp as glass, sky’s reflections cascading down the sides. Like that four hundred foot dip there, up there—right above that granite ridge on the eastern slope.[This doesn't make sense, without the narrarator literally pointing it out to someone] Too late—can’t see it now, the trees are blocking the way—but I’ll tell you, I spent days on that ridge, days below that cliff waiting for the sky to fall[What? Are you telling me the sky is falling?] from its top and crush me into blood and dust.[This is a lot of jumbled fragments jammed together, through here. It is confusing...] Me, myself and the other man, what was his name—doesn’t matter, as he’s dead—but what a death that was![There was another guy? He doesn't matter? Then why are you telling us about him? Why does his death matter?] Two nights on that slope we kept our camp,[Who are we? What bones? I thought one person was with him/her? By the way, is the narrarator a he or a she? Human bones?] bones our tinder and gravel our bed. We held camp there longer than any other sane man, any other living man, and longer than a few dead men, I can witness.[What is he talking about? Where is he going with all of this? This begs for clarification. I'm sure if it was cleaned up, I would be hooked.]
Especially because this is a short story, the beginning needs to be clear. I get that you are alluding to the narrarator meeting the dead or living dead, and that would have hooked me, if I could make sense of the rest. Is it a Donner Party-type story?
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 05, 2007).]
posted
I'm not real clear as to what is going on here. Not bad writing so far as description though. However "sky's reflection cascading down the side." I can't imagine this. I've only ever seen "sky's reflection" in a body of water, never on a mountain. I think it would be more clear with something like... "Clouds parting, sunlight rippling across the slopes...or sliding down the slopes..."
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posted
The descriptions and voice are interesting, but we still don't know what the character is doing, what situation he is in, or why we should be interested in the rest of his story. Presenting those things up will maximize reader interest right up front.
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posted
Hey, I think it makes perfect sense. You have your MC recounting some adventure he had in these Treiksdone Mts. (Which, apparently, are composed of some sort of mineral which allows them to reflect the sky, thus his mention of wiating for the "sky" to crush him if it fell. I'm guessing they're rather unstable mountains?)
I like it - I got the feeling the MC's quite old, and is retelling his adventures to someone much younger.
posted
There’s something about those Treiksdone Mountains that just catches the eye,[Period] like the sheer precipices, smooth and sharp as glass, sky’s reflections cascading down the sides. [Is the mountain glass or of glassy substance? if so this makes sense, but this high reflectance needs to be established beforehand] Like that four hundred foot dip there, up there—right above that granite ridge on the eastern slope.[Confused: Is the narrator talking to me or to someone else? "Like that..." says another person is there. It assumes that I can see it] Too late—can’t see it now, the trees are blocking the way—[HUH? confused am I supposed to be standing beside the narrator?] but I’ll tell you, I spent days on that ridge, days below that cliff waiting for the sky to fall from its top [confused---what's 'from it's top?'] and crush me into blood and dust. [You're being metaphorical here, but it could easily be taken literally since this is spec fiction] Me, myself and the other man, what was his name—doesn’t matter, [that's a bit callous isn't it?] as he’s dead—but what a death that was! [It's here, at mention of the dead man, that you start generating interest] Two nights on that slope we kept our camp, bones our tinder and gravel our bed [Again, some dissonance here "gravel our bed" makes sense, but what does "bones our tinder" mean?]. We held camp there longer than any other sane man, any other living man, and longer than a few dead men, I can witness. [Confusing, "living man" "dead men." Again, my interest as a reader is stimulated by "We held camp there longer than any other sane man"]
On the plus side you seem to be striving for a unique narrator voice, which, given some more work, would be interesting. The technical issues: Is the narrator directly addressing the reader, or is the narrator addressing another person or group of persons? Speaking from my own recent submission experience, spec fiction places a high demand for absolute clarity in the beginning. Save any metaphorical language until the reader is firmly anchored in the reality you're creating. (Ex. In spec fiction, if you describe a bald-headed character as having a dome-like head, someone might visualize an android. So just say he's bald.)
posted
Hurrah! Someone got it exactly the way I meant it.
Congratulations, Jesse D--you managed to break my code. Seriously, though, you figured out exactly what the setup is. The protagonist is an old man, and he is in the process of recounting his adventures to a different individual. The reader can insert themselves in that particular role, if they feel the need to. However, the entire perspective may soon be rewritten.
However, I'm going to have to remove that part about the sky reflecting off the sides--a bit too confusing for most. And to better clarify the part about the sky crushing him, I'll have to adjust the height of the cliff by about, oh, maybe a thousand feet. At least. (The phrase is supposed to portray how dizzyingly high the cliff is that he had camped next to.)
[This message has been edited by s_merrell (edited April 06, 2007).]
posted
There’s something about those Treiksdone Mountains that just catches the eye, like the sheer precipices, smooth and sharp as glass, sky’s reflections cascading down the sides(1). Like that four hundred foot dip there, up there—right above that granite ridge on the eastern slope. Too late—can’t see it now, the trees are blocking the way—but I’ll tell you, I spent days on that ridge, days below that cliff waiting for the sky to fall from its top and crush me into blood and dust.(2) Me, myself and the other man, what was his name—doesn’t matter, as he’s dead—but what a death that was! (3) Two nights on that slope we kept our camp, bones our tinder and gravel our bed. We held camp there longer than any other sane man, any other living man, and longer than a few dead men, I can witness.(4)
(1) Nice hook. You let me know that these mountains are special. But it would have bemore effective if you showed us first, instead of telling us, then showing us. (2) Is the this literal? Is the sky going to fall and crush them? I get the feeling that it’s a metaphor for nature killing them, but since this is a fantasy, expectations need to be set firmer than in straight literature. This is a fantasy, right? (3) Ok, so we know the story teller isn’t dead, and we know the other guy is dead. So what am I waiting to find out? This took the tension potential out of the rest of the story. (4) I get that this is written in a conversational tone, like one guy telling a story, and that such oral stories don’t usually have carefully crafted scenes, dramatic tension, or complete sentences, but this story could benefit from all those things. I think you should rewrite it in a form that allows all those things (first person, third person limited). This strikes me as a story heavy on action and the emotions of two people on a mountain, something not conveyed with the common language of a oral telling.
Many of your sentences wander off and confuse the reader, such as “sky’s reflections cascading down the sides,” “bones our tinder and gravel our bed,” and others. You need to fix the run-ons, loose style, and unneeded modifiers ( mostly in the first sentence) before we can take the rest of the story seriously.
Sorry if some of the others adressed these problems before me, but I just skimmed over the other responses.
quote: The protagonist is an old man, and he is in the process of recounting his adventures to a different individual.
Tell us this, why make us work to understand it?
quote: However, I'm going to have to remove that part about the sky reflecting off the sides--a bit too confusing for most. And to better clarify the part about the sky crushing him...
Or you can write it out plainly:
The sheer precipices of the Treiksdone Mountains looked like they were formed of mirrors.
But...
I've never seen reflective granite.
I don't think that if it is reflective, it will necessarily break and fall off.
posted
I was able to understand pretty quickly that the MC is relating his story to a fellow traveler (the "Too late" part tell's me they're both there and moving). I became a little confused over what was reflecting the sky (mineral? ice? snow? mist?), so my brain was wrestling with that as I was trying to press onward. Despite that, good overall description and voice.
A nit that probably only hit me - when he says:
quote: Me, myself and the other man, what was his name—doesn’t matter, as he’s dead—
made my brain think "Me, myself and I", and with it being speculative fiction, I began wondering if this is a dead man talking, and it's so long since he died that he doesn't even remember his own name. If this was your intention then leave it that way. If not, then consider changing the phrasing to drop the Me and just use "Myself and the other man".
I would be interested in reading more if you want to email it to me.
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