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Author Topic: Jazz and the Beasties
ArachneWeave
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Bertie rolled the statue out from the long white hall with dread building at his lungs. Getting a call to ready an Awakening was foreboding at the best of times. This O'Neill was known for subduing the beasties, though, and he didn't like the thought something slaveringly fearsome was loose on the streets. Fiddling out there was bad enough with just thieves and false friends to watch for.

He was a little sad, too. O'Neill was his favorite statue. She looked the most natural, captured as if she were just one in a gaggle of punks at the street corner, arms crossed and feet firmly balanced. She was half-smiling, but not in the usual noble, distant way. She seemed to be about to come out with a really smart, nasty remark.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 16, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 16, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited May 16, 2007).]


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Nemonus
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Interesting. I'd be willing to look at the rest of this, as long as its not uber-long. The description of the punk statues is fun, and the "Awakening" plus that gives a distinct world-feel. Some issues: "with dread building at his lungs"; I just can't see that; 'building in' would sound better. "This O'Neill was known..." I have no idea what O'Neill means--is it the artist? The subject? I guess it's okay that I don't know this if it is explained later.

"he didn't like the thought [that]something"

Pretty good. (Hopefully all those edits don't mean I'm getting into something I shouldn't be?)


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darklight
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I really like this idea and you have me hooked. I want to know more, but what immediatly jumped out at me was:

1. There are SEVEN -ing words in the first paragraph.

2. Fiddling out there was bad enough with just thieves and false friends to watch for. What do you mean by 'Fiddling.'

3. I would suggest either smart OR nasty. I think smart on its own would be much better than with nasty.

Here's an example of how to get rid of those -ings.

Bertie rolled the statue out of the hall with dread. It built up in his chest from the moment he got the call to ready the Awakening. It was ominous enough, but this O'Neill was known for its ability to subdue the beasties; he didn't like the idea of some fearsome creautre loose on the streets. It was bad enough out there with thieves and flase friends to watch out for.

Hope this helps.

[edited to alter my edit]

[This message has been edited by darklight (edited May 17, 2007).]


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ArachneWeave
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Nemonus:
I think what happened is I was counting out the empty line in my line tally, and Kathleen didn't like that. I trimmed it back another sentence beyond what she did because I liked it to end there. Subject matter hasn't changed, and it'll stay far from inappropriate (if I know myself at all).

If ANYONE does want to read the rest of what I have (what's up here is actually second draft: the first direction wasn't working for me) I'll send it to you. It's around 2000 words right now, about four pages.
Thanks for the feedback! I will definitely work on that first paragraph's sing-sing sound.


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InarticulateBabbler
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My take:

quote:

Bertie rolled the statue [of O'neill?] out from the long white hall with dread [building at his lungs<--needed?]. Getting a call to ready an Awakening was foreboding at the best of times. [What's an Awakening?] [Do you need?--> This] O'Neill was known for subduing the beasties, though, and he didn't like the thought [of?] something slavering[ly<--not needed, IMHO, replace with: and] fearsome [was<--not needed] loose on the streets. [Fiddling out there was bad enough with just thieves and false friends to watch for.<--worded strange.]
He was a little sad, too. O'Neill was his favorite [statue<--needed?]. She looked the most natural[.][, captured as if she were just could be replaced with: He could imagine her as] one in a gaggle of punks at the street corner, arms crossed and feet firmly balanced. She was half-smiling, but not in the usual noble, distant way. She seemed to be about to come out with a really smart, nasty remark. [IMO, those two sentences could be simplified into one: She was smirking, as if she bit back some nasty remark.]

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 17, 2007).]


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ArachneWeave
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Good stuff. Thanks a lot! Good reminders for the rest of the story, too. I agree with everything you said. >_<
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Nemonus
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I'll read the rest. cysky05@gmail.com


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InarticulateBabbler
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I'll give it a go, if you are not in a rush.
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NoTimeToThink
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I think I didn't realize that the statue was O'Neill until you state it in the 2nd paragraph. Because of this I did a double take after struggling with the 1st paragraph. Because you are dealing with something that doesn't happen in our "reality", make the label clear in the beginning:
Bertie rolled the Statue of O'Neill out from the long...
I agree with the other comments made so far.

I would also be willing to read more (it may be 3 or 4 days before I can get to it).


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limo
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Hi,
Just a few suggestions, I think they're the same as the others but hey take what you need and leave the rest.
liked the sound of the O'Neill character and wanted to read more about her.
li

"Taking a deep breath" Bertie rolled the statue out from the long white hall (with dread )(building at his lungs). Getting a call to ready an Awakening was "nerve wracking" (foreboding) at the best of times. This "statue" O'Neill was known for subduing (the) beasties and (he didn't like the thought) something slaveringly fearsome was loose on the streets "now". (Fiddling) "Business" out there was bad enough with just the human monsters (thieves and false friends cliche) to watch for.

He was a little sad, too. O'Neill was his favorite statue. She looked the most (natural) "human", captured as if she were just one in a gaggle of punks at the street corner, arms crossed and feet firmly balanced. She was half-smiling, but not in the usual noble, distant way. She seemed to be about to come out with a really smart, nasty remark.


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ArachneWeave
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Sent out a slightly refurbished whole to all those who accepted it. Thanks!
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