posted
The pod surged forward. 476 sleek bodies tensed and relaxed in unison. 952 sets of nostrils flared as the salt tang in the wind spurred them on. They flowed like an ocean wave at the height of its crest, ready to crash into the sea. All except for Lenny. “Hey, guys, wait up!” he hustled to catch the edge of the pack. “You’re going the wrong way!” The pod surged forward, indifferent. They had their orders. Who was this pudgy underling to countermand them? They twitched their ears back and their eyes forward. Lenny hustled faster, four paws flying, looking for the chief. He had to be near the head of the column…There were too many bodies! The musk of mating pheromones filled Lenny with
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 17, 2007).]
posted
Not sure where you're going with this - is it really about lemmings?
One thing - when you said
quote:476 sleek bodies tensed and relaxed in unison. 952 sets of nostrils flared
my poor brain stopped reading to try to figure out if you did the math right (476 doesn't naturally look like half of 952), and it took me a bit to get back to the flow. Consider leaving out how many nostrils there were.
posted
A story about lemmings and their thoughts and feelings sounds intriguing and I would like to read on. One thing though, the early reference to “pod” threw me off. I immediately thought of a space ship pod, or capsule, and had to reread it. If I stumbled so might others. The reader needs to quickly grasp that it is a group, gang, throng or cluster – or whatever word is the right word, then pod can be introduced later. Posts: 147 | Registered: Mar 2007
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quote:...the early reference to “pod” threw me off. I immediately thought of a space ship pod, or capsule, and had to reread it...
Exactly! With the first line, I had forgotten the lemmings from the topic title, and was in space. Then, my mind went: 476 sleek bodies tensed and relaxed in unison... "they are a hive-presence, traveling through space", until I got to 952 sets of nostrils... and went "wow, they each have two noses."
The Ocean reference threw me further off track, and outright stopped me. I couldn't make it relate.
Lenny's "You're going the wrong way!" comment compounded it.
IMHO, something like:
Lenny the lemming tried desperately to catch up to the surging force of his 476 brothers. They were caught in the scent of mating pheromones, and moved through the (insert setting here) like a writhing tidal wave of lust.
"Wait," he yelled. He forced his way through the rest of the pod. "You're going the wrong way!"
...might be clearer. It would also allow you to tell a little more of why it is so urgent to stop them.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 18, 2007).]
posted
Hi, Think you could quite easily start with the comment bu Lenny and leave the rest out. Sounds like it will be quite amusing though. li
Posts: 112 | Registered: Apr 2005
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