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A YA Fantasy (2000wds). I'll be happy with a full critique or just a shot at the first 13.
Thanks
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Blood seeped from the wound on my head, sweat collecting on my temples, running down, stinging and salty. I could still hear the screams. Even miles away now, I could feel them thickening the dusty air around me with fear.
Father had known this day would come. He’d made me repeat the sacred words over and over as he skimmed his roughened hands over vellum and papyrus, searching out truth in the words. A Seeker with every fiber of his being. I wished to have the same passion, but never quite reached that mark. And now the holiness was lost to me; slipped away with my father’s life, with my mother’s spirit.
Even my twin sister--the mirror of me in every way--was stolen, taken by the Queen’s men for horrors beyond words. But I
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 06, 2007).]
posted
Well, any piece that starts with the word “Blood” is gonna get your attention. This is a great opening, well hooked. I would certainly keep reading. I was slightly distracted when you said you could still hear the screems “even miles away” as I paused to consider if you meant figuratively or literally. I then had a debate with myself as to whether one could possibly hear a scream from “miles” away and decided, no way! She must mean figuratively. This little male logic dispute could probably be avoided with a little change in wording. Like: “Even though I was miles away now, I could still hear the screams in my head.” Or something like that.
The sentence starting with “Issa,” should probably be a new paragraph, as it doesn’t seem to flow with the previous statement. But yeah, I like it. I would read it. Send it to me!
quote: Blood seeped from the wound on my head, [sweat collecting<--Do you mean "collecting sweat"? If not, this should begin a separate sentence. on my temples, running down, stinging[Stinging what? His/her eyes? His/her wound? What part of the head is the wound on?] and salty. I could still hear the screams[What screams? "..of the victims in the wake of the Evil Robot Monkeys..."]. Even miles away[From where?] now, I could feel them thicken[ing<--needed?] the dusty air around me with fear.
Father had known this day would come. He’d made me repeat the sacred words over and over[,] as he skimmed his roughened hands over vellum and papyrus, searching out truth in the words. A Seeker[A what?] with every fiber of his being.[<--Fragment.] I wished to have the same passion, but never quite reached that mark. And now the holiness was lost to me; slipped away with my father’s life, with my mother’s spirit.
Even my twin sister--the mirror of me in every way--was stolen, taken by the Queen’s men for horrors beyond words. But I couldn't think of that.[<--These two sentences contradict each other-->] For it was her screams that drove me on. Issa, the watcher for us all.[<--Huh? As a fragment, this is confusing.] Even she had not seen until it was too late.
This is interesting. Is it a first draft?
If you are not in a rush, you can shoot me a copy.
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Ok the first paragraph has my interest - then you "downshift" into dad telling you this day would come etc. - this was a real jolt for me. Not only that, it loses credibility as it is hard for me to believe that in such a condition the MC is going to be filling us in on backstory. The writing is not bad, I just would like to see the momentum of the first paragraph maintained or increased.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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It grabbed me, though I agree with most of what I B suggested. If you have something to send out and want readers i'd be in. lianne
Posts: 31 | Registered: May 2007
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I'm a pattern person. I notice them. (They talk to me...LOL)
The first few lines have a LOT of ing words. They're not all doing the same thing, but there are many of them. I noticed them. Collecting, running, stinging, thickening.
"Issa, the watcher for us all" - even after several readings I don't know what this is. Is it the twin sister's name/role? That needs to be clarified, in my opinion. You could do it in the previous line. "For it was Issa's screams that ..." See what I mean?
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