posted
A crowd of the curious had gathered in the square diagonally across from the Edison Tower, a business high rise that dominated other nearby office buildings. Although there was plenty of space in the square, the onlookers, all pedestrian strangers, seemed to form a close group with their faces turned upward. All were focused on the man in a white T-shirt sitting on the ledge 30 stories up. From where John Emory sat they appeared like ants clustered around a breadcrumb. On Broadway, traffic rolled along like any normal day, the tops of cars, buses and yellow taxis crawled slowly like synchronized beetles, their horns and shifting engines faintly subdued in the gusting wind. He shivered uncomfortably as the cold stone under his jeans numbed
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 06, 2007).]
posted
The first paragraph sets a scene with the onlookers doing what onlookers do every time someone sits on a high ledge. The MC POV starts in the second paragraph - guessing that John is the MC. You start to get inside his head and by the time he's shivering, you're in pretty deep. I like the way you follow his mind wandering to the sweater when he gets cold.
With all that depth, we still don't know why he's on the ledge. None of his musings are despondent and I even wonder if he's out there to jump at all. Morbid curiosity over a potential suicide on a ledge doesn't hook me. Without knowing something about why he's there, I'm not one of the crowd on the ground.
Perhaps if the scene was set as seen from John's perch there would be some room in the 13 lines for his reason to be out there.
posted
My assumption is that he is thinking of jumping, but not sure. However, if suicide was on his mind, wouldn't his thoughts be more chaotic than to think about wearing a sweater?
"He shivered uncomfortably..." Is there a comfortable way to shiver? Consider deleting uncomfortably.
"...the wind nipped at his bare arms." Somewhat passive. Maybe "the wind ripped at his..." or something similar.
"...the tops of cars, buses and yellow taxis crawled slowly..." I know what you mean, but this left me smiling. I got a visual of only the tops of vehicles moving around. Why not just say "...far below cars and buses crept along..." Or something like that.
A crowd of the curious had gathered in the square diagonally across from the Edison Tower, (period here, drop the description of the building) a business high rise that dominated other nearby office buildings. Although there was plenty of space in the square, the onlookers, all pedestrian strangers (strangers to whom?), seemed to form (did they form a close group or not. Seemed to whom?) a close group with their faces turned upward. All were focused on the man in a white T-shirt sitting on the ledge 30 stories up. (Can they really tell what they guy 30 stories up is wearing?)
(This is the start of your story. Drop everything that came before.) From where John Emory sat they appeared like ants (cliche) clustered around a breadcrumb (what feature in the view plays the role of the breadcrumb). On Broadway, traffic rolled along like any normal day, the tops of cars, buses and yellow taxis crawled slowly like synchronized beetles, their horns and shifting engines faintly subdued (do you mean "faintly subdued", that is, only slightly subdued, or do you mean "subdued until they were faint", which is something else entirely?) in the gusting wind. He shivered uncomfortably as the cold stone under his jeans numbed his backside and the wind nipped at his bare arms. He should have worn a sweater.
Rewrite. Pay close attention to every word. Don't tell us anything John doesn't feel, see, hear, smell, taste, or think.
quote: [Story really starts here:] From where John Emory sat on the thirtieth-story ledge of the Edison Tower[[, the gazers looked] like ants clustered around a breadcrumb. [The] Broadway [Deleted] traffic rolled along like synchronized beetles, its [cacophony] (That's twice that this word could be properly inserted today. )] subdued [by] the gusting wind. [He shivered [Deleted] as the cold stone [Deleted] numbed his backside and the wind nipped at his bare arms. He should have worn a sweater.<--As of this, I'm no longer interested. The urgency of a man on a high ledge has been squashed. However, starting here, gives you room to get to a more exciting hook.]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 05, 2007).]
posted
If you're establishing a suicide scene, I think you need to be consistent with the urgency. A sweater is not what I want to know. Why he's trying to kill himself is. Who are the people who care about him, and where are they? Does he have a huge gambling debt? Have his heart broken? Kill his best friend? ETC.
Also, how are the onlookers important? I didn't get that. If you are treating the onlookers as mere setting, then don't spend so much time on them.
posted
if he is not committing suicide,but has some other wacky reason for being out on the ledge, that could be the hook, if you can work it in quickly. And would make his notice fo the cold weather more fitting. Although, folks who are contemplating suicide are not thinking straight - they will sometimes get hung up on seemingly trivial details that delay the act.
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
I'd be willing to read it too, but be aware, I'm a bit backlogged with stories I'm supposed to be reviewing - so it might take me a few days.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007
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posted
I see two things that I would identify as problems. You seem to do some head-hopping, chaing PoV from omniscient in the first paragraph to seemingly the "jumper" PoV in the second. Not everyone will agree, but head-hopping is something I personally seriously dislike.
Secondly, it seems to me that the first paragraph just doesn't do anything. I would consider cutting it entirely.
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)] subdued [by] the gusting wind. [He shivered [Deleted] as the cold stone [Deleted] numbed his backside and the wind nipped at his bare arms. He should have worn a sweater.<--As of this, I'm no longer interested. The urgency of a man on a high ledge has been squashed. However, starting here, gives you room to get to a more exciting hook.]
