[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 24, 2007).]

"Master replied with obvious annoyance." You might consider deleting this. Don't underestimate the reader - we know the master is annoyed when he says "Hush boy, you'll interrupt my thinking."

"...feet feeling so sore" Delete feeling, it's extraneous.
"...so sore that i thought they would..." delete "that"-not needed
"...fall off at any time now." delete "now." You've written this beginning in past tense and "now" seems to be a violation of that.
"...with his longer strides." Consider changing this to "...with his stride." since we know he is an adult and naturally his stride will be longer.
"We had left the city of Ivinuk..." Delete "had.""...three or four paces ahead of me,( consider putting a period here - making a long sentence into two shorter ones.) my short legs..."

Good job in general - I would love to read more of this.

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 24, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited July 24, 2007).]

That aside, this is a nice bit of writing but if I were reading this in a bookstore, I am not sure I would turn the page. It is lacking a punch to hook me. If, however, it was in the middle of a story, I would not need such a hook.

Basically, there are two people walking (one is apparently a child-slave). While the child doesn't appear to have been a slave long (talking out of turn, complaining about walking), it still isn't very exciting. Perhaps if you gave a bit of information that added context to the situation? Did Master purchase (or simply demand) the boy in Inuvik? If so, what was the boy before? Was he the son of the warrior Hector, taken as the spoils of war to work in the house of Agamemnon? Was he a street urchin, to whom Master simply gave the command to follow? Did the boy even exist before he was willed into existence to serve?

Additionally, is there anything particular important about the fact that they are traveling? That is, if you started the story when they arrived at their destination, would you loose anything that would be missed?

A bit of a nitpick...

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... my child’s feet...

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I understand that you mean the narrator is a child with child-like feet, but the way it is phrased is a bit odd. This specific phrase raises the expectation that the narrator has a child. A hyphen might serve you better than an 's. "My child-feet" seems much clearer than "my child's feet."

Here's a few nits.

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“Master, my feet hurt.”
“Hush, Boy,” Master replied [delete this; his words show us he's annoyed]with obvious annoyance. “You’ll interrupt my thinking.”
So I kept walking, my child’s feet[This sounds like the narrator has a child and thier feet were sore.] feeling so sore that I thought they would fall off at any time [suggest delete now]. This was how our whole journey had been. We had left the city of Inuvik near the coast of Pararan quite near ten days ago, I think. Or had it been longer? My feet told me it was at least a month, maybe more. Master and I walked and walked, and when the sun had finally retired behind the hills to the west, we stayed in a field, a hollow of rock or in a tall tree with wide branches stretching outwards.[I assume you mean many nights but to me it reads as only one. Suggest something like: when the sun retired behind the hills to the west each night] Master was quiet most of the time and was usually three or four paces ahead of me, my short legs simply not willing to move fast enough to keep up with his longer strides.

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This is a nice piece that could be even better if you removed some of those -ings.

If you're looking for readers, I'll look over a few pages.

“Master, my feet hurt.”
“Hush, Boy,” Master replied, “You’ll interrupt my thinking.”
So I kept walking, my feet so sore that I thought they would fall off. This was how our whole journey had been. We left the city of Inuvik near the coast of Pararan ten days ago, I think. Or had it been longer? My feet told me it was at least a month. Master and I walked and walked, and when the sun finally retired behind the hills, we stayed in a field, a hollow of rock or in a tall tree with wide branches stretching outwards. Master was quiet most of the time and was usually three or four paces ahead of me, my short legs simply not willing to move fast enough to keep up with his longer strides.

Now, picture this as vividly as you can. How does the Master know Boy is still behind him if he doesn't look back? A child cannot keep up with an adult unless the adult matches his pace to the child's.

I'm not hooked by a conflict, but I am hooked enough to turn the page. The hook here is good writing and a sympathetic character. However, I'd be looking for a stronger hook pretty soon after this opening.

If you ask in the general area, someone may be able to suggest other place where you can post entire stories, if that is your wish. However, you may find you can learn a lot about writing just from the F&F here. I have, anyway.

Now, on the to the nits. Keep in mind that nits are just gut-level reactions and thoughts as I read through. Nothing is law here. (Forgive me if I repeat what others have said, I try not to read comments until after I comment so you get an untained reaction.)

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“Master, my feet hurt.”

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Personally, I would have liked an "I said" tag here, just because its the opening line. It's nice to know who is speaking when we don't have a previous reference.

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“Hush, Boy,” Master replied with obvious annoyance. “You’ll interrupt my thinking.”

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So I kept walking, my child’s feet feeling so sore that |that could be dropped| I thought they would fall off at any time now.|"at any time now" is extraneous to me| This was how our whole journey had been. We had left the quite near ten days ago, I think. Or had it been longer? My feet told me it was at least a month, maybe more.

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I'm not sure we need quite so much geogrphic detail from a child. For now, this early, I'd be happy with just "Inuvik" instead of "city of Inuvik near the coast of Pararan".

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Master and I walked and walked, and when the sun had |Don't think you need HAD here since you don't continue the tense later in the sentence| finally retired behind the hills to the west, we stayed in a field, }I think an OR here would help|a hollow of rock or in a tall tree with wide branches stretching outwards. Master was quiet most of the time and was usually three or four paces ahead of me, my short legs simply

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Not sure where this final sentence is heading, but I think you could drop either short or simply, depending on how things look.

That's a good start on a sympathetic character. These first 13 leave me with some questions that the story should answer, and I'd turn the page to read the answers.

It's tough to put the boy's name in when he's narrating in first person, but that shouldn't be kept a mystery for long.

What's the Master a master of?

What difference in the world are these characters seeking?

I'll offer to read, if it's not too late, and I'll be looking for those answers to keep me in the story.
Now one for you to consider -
Your length is still considered a short story by some markets, but it's nearing the Novelette level. Do you have a market in mind and does this size fit?

“Master, my feet hurt.” I said.
“Hush, Boy,” Master replied. “You’ll interrupt my thinking.”
So I kept walking, my feet so sore I thought they would fall off. This was how our whole journey had been. We had left the city of Inuvik quite near ten days ago, I think. Or had it been longer? My feet told me it was at least a month, maybe more. Master and I walked and walked, and when the sun finally retired behind the hills to the west, we stayed in a field, a hollow of rock or in a tall tree with wide branches stretching outwards. Master was quiet most of the time and was usually three or four paces ahead of me. My short legs were simply not willing to move fast enough to keep up with his stride.

[This message has been edited by Kakichi (edited July 24, 2007).]

I might read, but I have trouble committing to pieces over 5,000 words usually. (Or in keeping the commitments, I should say.)

Do you want readers on the 9,200 you have now, or on the finished product? How long do you think the finished product will be?

If you want to send me what you have done now, I'll read. I'm not sure I could read more than that, to be honest. (Time constraints.)

"We had left the city of Inuvik..." Delete "had" here as the word really is extra baggage. When all the fat is trimmed out of a story, you will be surprised at how the prose will sparkle from that alone.

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Again this is a nice beginning. Not much hook, but written well enough with an interesting enough opening that it invites me to read further. Let me also add that if I had tossed aside every story in which the first 13 lines did not have me salivating over a hook - I would have missed out on many a great story, in fact some that are my favorites.

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I agree wholeheartedly, Nitewriter. A hook is just, "Would you turn the page?" to me. There's little hooks and enormous hooks, but they're all hooks.

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Master and I walked and walked, and when the sun finally retired behind the hills to the west, we stayed in a field, a hollow of rock or in a tall tree with wide branches stretching outwards.

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I'm sorry, but if you want people to read the rest of your story, you need to ask them to volunteer to have you email it to them.