Now, for the actual critique....

"...it raided the storage shed..." Why are you being obtuse about what exactly raided the shed? Three lines later you identify that it's a bear. Don't hide it at the beginning. Come out with it.

Saying "Young William" and "the boy's hands" makes me think of a very young boy, 12 years old maybe. Pre-teen. Given that, he is suddenly stringing up a bear all on his own, and then heaving the meat he's claimed on his shoulder and marching a full day's hike home? Seems like he should be older.

"...just above the holler allowing a moment of pleasantries; cold buttermilk, Ma’s hot biscuits and fried chicken with gravy." This sentence seems confused. I get what you're getting at, I think - he's dreaming of the good things that await him below - but "allowing a moment of pleasantries" isn't the way to say this.

Dem's the technical parts I could see most glaringly.

As for the story itself... well, you've pretty much wasted the first paragraph telling me about this bear, when the real story actually starts when he gets back at the house and sees what has happened to his parents. Fixing that in itself will shorten you down to closer to thirteen lines, I'm pretty sure, depending on how you do it. We don't need to see him leave the house, just a brief one liner saying he is returning carrying a load of fresh-killed bear, or deer, or whatever.

I also dislike the tone you're using to tell this story. Why are you so detached from the action going on? First he went to kill a bear. Then when he got home he found his parents murdered. Then he found the guys that did it. There: three lines. The other seventeen you've posted are just details that don't really help the story much. If you allow us to experience these scenes through your main character, rather than as a security camera lodged way up in a tree, you'll have a much more compelling story.

As of right now - I'm not hooked, and if I'm an editor, I'm not reading any further. Your rejection letter is in the mail.

Jayson Merryfield

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In the still hours of night when all were asleepThis sounds like a beginning of a fairytail, MHO. it raided the storage shed destroying the feed supply, then retreated into the woods before dawn. Taking Would read better as: Pa took down the family gun from the wall and thrusting it in the boy’s hands, Pa said, “Don’t come back without killing it." After tracking the bear for most of the day, young William spotted it near a clearing pawing at a fallen log swarming with termites. It was an easy shot, just under the ear. Then he strung it up and skinned it,. Selecting the better cuts, he wrapped them in the skin pulling the ends tight then hoisted it over his shoulder and headed for home.
Huffing a bit, he stood on the ridge just above the holler allowing a moment of pleasantries; cold buttermilk, Ma’s hot biscuits and fried chicken with gravy. But the house was dark

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I liked the second half of the first sentance.

Whose POV this is from. I would say omni to make it work - otherwise, who saw the creature in the storage shed?

I'm not sure how important the creature is to the story, I would have liked a description, however brief. However, I would read further. Hope this helps.

I only got to this after it had been whittled down to 13 but reading Wolfe_Boy's comments - the parents have been murdered? If so this would probably be the place to start the story rather than an impersonal account of the killing of a bear.

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In the still hours of nightcomma needed for an introductory clause and for clarity in a confusing sentence when all were asleep comma needed here again it raided the storage shed destroying the feed supply, then retreated into the woods before dawn.

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I can deal with not knowing what it is if it fits the story, and the author handles it well.

This is telling, not showing. My advice is to be sure you want to tell us this, not show us.

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Taking down the family gun from the wall and thrusting it in the boy’s hands, Pa said, “Don’t come back without killing it."

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Now, I'm wondering why we don't know what it is. The father seems to know. I'm also wondering why the father isn't doing this himself.

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After tracking the bear for most of the day, young William spotted it near a clearing pawing at a fallen log swarming with termites.

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Again, this is a lot of exposition and little story so far.

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It was an easy shot, just under the ear. Then he strung it up and skinned it, selecting the better cuts he wrapped them in the skin pulling the ends tight then hoisted it over his shoulder and headed for home.

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I don't feel any conflict here, so its hard for me to care about anything so far. (I grew up in Alaska with men who hunted bears. There can be a lot of conflict--even if only internal--for a boy hunting one. One mistake and it becomes a life and death situation.)

You set up some conflict with the "don't come back..." part. You could have followed through on that.

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Huffing a bit, he stood on the ridge just above the holler allowing a moment of pleasantries perhaps pleasantness would work better-- pleasantries reminds me of agreeable conversation; cold buttermilk, Ma’s hot biscuits and fried chicken with gravy. But the house was dark...

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I stopped here because that's 13 lines.

I'm not hooked. Where does this story really begin? Everything I see here could be summed up nicely in one or two sentences if it's critical to the story that we know he shot a bear.

The goal of the 1-13 is to hook the reader, somehow. A hook can be anything, and it doesn't need to be a fist to the face, but it does need to exist. It can be good, interesting writing. It can be conflict--always a great one. It can be an interesting character or voice. It can be a question we want answered. Sadly, I have to say I don't get any of this from this opening.

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... hot biscuits ...

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Oh, and I also had to wonder why the biscuits are still hot if he's been out hunting a bear. Everything you described him doing would take hours.

Still, I liked several of the visual details (like the log full of termites). I'd love to see more of those as your story progresses.

Note from Kathleen Dalton Woodbury:

If it was cut off, that means it was longer than 13 lines, so it does not belong here.

Sorry.